Life Lessons

Getting Old: It Is Not for the Faint of Heart

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As the saying goes, getting older is not for the weak.  I am finding that statement to be one of the most truthful statements I have ever heard.  As I look through the postings on social media, I see people who are ill, depressed, lost, depleted and grieving.  That names just a few of the human conditions being dealt with on a daily basis.  My heart breaks for my friends who are suffering.

I am sitting here right now contemplating the latest of many losses already this year.  Prince.  I was a huge fan back in the day and his loss is weighing heavy.  But it is not just him, it is all of the loses I have endeared in this life.  There are days I wake up and my first thought is that I am going to call my mother today.  Well, I cannot do that because she went to heaven several years ago along with my father and my sister.  But I would do anything to hear her voice and get her advice one more time.

I am blessed that I do believe in Heaven and believe that I will see them again, but for those days when the heaviness of loss is almost unbearable, that time cannot come soon enough.  I took my loved ones for granted.  I never dreamed that they would ever be gone.  Yet, they are and the loss is epic all these years later.

That is not to say that one cannot experience loss at a young age. There are so many young people hurting from their loss suffered in childhood or young adulthood.  Loss is not, by any means, gifted only to the older.  I realize that, but I am personally getting older and that is where my particular viewpoint focuses.

So add the new aches and pains of older age, the possibility for accidents and disease, the questionable future of retirement and the uncertainty (which again crosses all age lines) of this political  future we are all looking at and getting older stings a little more.  Yes, it is better than the alternative, but it still hurts.

Getting older has some advantages.  I enjoy the wisdom I have now that was completely nonexistent in my younger years.  The filters now work on my mouth much better than before.  I have deeper understanding and empathy for others now.  Those are just a few of the blessings that come with age.  Most days, you can see those positives and put the negatives out of the picture for a day or however long.  But the losses never really go away, do they?  You never quite stop missing the parent, sibling, family member or friend.  You even miss the celebrities you never met.  I see a picture of Princess Diana and I feel remorse to this day.  I hear Stevie Ray Vaughn and my heart skips a little beat.  That is all part of being human.

I am happy that as I age, I do not feel the overwhelming need to rush at everything I do or to do every single request that comes my way.  I have learned to say “No” as a complete sentence.  That was unheard of as a young person.  My back hurts now and I have a garden variety of other ailments that come with getting older.  The once broken heart has mended a bit and appears to still be working, and that is a good thing.  To add insult to injury, I now pee a little when I cough, laugh or sneeze, I pass more gas, my favorite foods give me heartburn and the reflection in my mirror is unrecognizable at times.  As my mother used to say sarcastically, “More fun.”

The reason, in my mind, why aging is not for the faint of heart is because burying pain and angst is no longer an option as when you were younger.  When I was younger I could make myself so busy those thoughts never entered my mind.  Now in the dark silence of the many sleepless nights I encounter, the reality comes to the forefront and stays there.  There is no dismissing it or moving on.  Age seems to make you deal with it, sometimes once and for all and sometimes over and over.

We all will deal with things that make us wonder about that alternative that is so much worse than this, but in the end we should all be glad for each new sunrise we see and each day we get to say “I love you” to those important people who are left.  I think for today I will stand in the Purple Rain and let it wash my tears of sadness away.

Tomorrow is another day I hope to see.  If I do, it will have its share of pain and sorrow, but lets hope yours and mine are gifted with some peace and lots of love.  That is all we can ask for.

Bad Company Till The Day I Die

Anyone who knows me can attest to the fact that I tend to be a little obsessive at times.  My obsession with Dean Winchester is now going on almost nine years (if you have to ask….). But long, long before that character was even born I became an avid Bad Company fan. I had all their records, yes vinyl, knew all the words to all the songs and read the liner notes forward and backwards.
During the time before music videos and all access passes, I loved this band without ever really seeing them. They may have appeared on television but not on any of the three channels we got at our house.  There was no magic lighting, no auto-tune and no stylized outfits…just great music and great lyrics played by talented individuals.  

Then the 1980s came and I fell under the spell of the magic world of videos and over-saturation of musicians.  For a time I forgot my real first loves, which included Bad Co., Foghat and the like. Beautiful videos by George Michael and Whitney Houston swayed me away.  We all know what happened after that, in my opinion, a musical dry spell. 

This where Dean Winchester appears.  It turns out that Dean’s favorite musical genre is classic rock as in music from the 1970s.  Hearing those songs on the show took me back to a time i had forgotten. I slowly started to reintroduce myself to songs that kept me company during my turbulent teen years. Songs I danced to, dreamt to and even cried to.  It felt like going home after a long absence. It just fit. 

One day I am listening to an audio-only recording of Paul Rodgers singing “Gone Gone Gone” live at the Hard Rock in Las Vegas. He proceeds to sing a few babies and darlings into the lyrics. My face flushed a little in embarrassment. Let’s face it, he cannot be a young man and he is still using those words in songs. I thought maybe looking back would become a little bit hard to take.  A few weeks later I saw that same concert was on television, so I decided to watch it with every intent on feeling uneasy about the old guy on stage.

I could not have been more wrong. Paul came on the stage healthy, vibrant and ready to rock.  He literally owned the stage. The babies and darlings now fit in context and added to his allure. No old man vibe here. And a voice that sounded better than back in the day.

Last year, my husband surprised me with VIP tickets to see the band live. They hit the stage and the only word I could use to describe the performance was perfection. I am still in awe today.

So what does this have to do with my epic journey?  I have started to really look at people I admire and see how they act. Paul did not once appear on stage looking like an apology.  He commanded the stage and every one of us in the audience with a quiet confidence. He did not have to tell anyone how good he is, we already knew.  That confidence was like pure sex appeal. You could not look away.  It was magical.

Princess Diana had that same confidence as she aged and her beauty blossomed. There are many people I admire now later in life and I have begun to notice they all have that same quiet but constant confidence. I know you are not supposed to use, in writing, the same word over and over, but the magic it factor for me is confidence.  Something I have lacked much of my life. Now I see that being confident is more beautifying then clothes, makeup or gems. It is that hard-to-pin-down quality that makes someone stand out. They done wring their hands, fretting about things. They just go out and do. That is a promise I am making to myself…to be more like that, quietly confident. I now have an experience or two under my belt and feel that it is my time to own who I am and not apologize for it. 

I do not suppose it will be easy but I want to try it and see where it leads me.  

No More Wringing of the Hands

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I worry about everything.  Things that are possible, things that are impossible and all that is in between.  Basically I wring my hands a lot.  I have known for a long time that worrying is a waste of precious time, but I cannot seem to drop the habit.  I feel as if I do not worry about something, that thing is going to happen.  It is a vicious circle.

This is not a new behavior for me.  As a child, I worried that my parents would die, that I would get sick or that some catastrophe (like nuclear attack) would happen.  It was the groundwork for my OCD in later years.  OCD that hampered my life for so long.

So here I am on a quest, and I have something holding me back.  I knew it was fear but the fear is based in my worry.  Now is the time I need to break the chain of both fear and worry.

No more rethinking every conversation, no more coming up with scenarios that are not  ever going to happen and no more wringing of hands.  I cannot even imagine how freeing it would be to step out the front door in the morning and not have that dark rain cloud over my head telling me to stay in and hide.

I have found it is actually easier to be fearful than to be brave.  Which makes sense; going out on a limb, so to speak, is scary no matter who you are.  After talking with many people who have done exciting things, I have found out that brave people are not necessarily unafraid, but the fear does not stop them.  Some say that the fear actually encourages them to keep going and pushes them further.

I am going to take baby steps.  Firstly, stop wringing of my hands.  Secondly, I need to accept the fear I feel as motivation to walk over it and start experiencing all those things I have been looking for.  Modern life is always trying to cramp the bold style; scary news broadcasts, all kinds of media that exploit the horrendous nature of some humans, and just a general fear of those things we do not understand.  Life seems to have become full of random, unexplainable violence. That will do a lot to keep you behind closed doors.

For today, I will let the sun shine on my face.  I will feel the breeze blowing through my hair. I want to smell the outdoors and hear the sounds of nature.  I am excited to finally be taking steps to actually go outside my comfort zone, not just words.

Here is to being brave, even if it is a small step.  It is, at least, a forward step.

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Here is from going from wringing hands to praying hands.

Summer Riding the Rails

  
Try as I might I have not been successful in finding a way to live without money.  To date, I still like to eat and buy necessities.  As my bank account balance started to run like water down a drain, I decided to spend the summer working with the hopes of saving enough money to do some more traveling this winter.

I tried looking for office work, waitress positions, and the old stand-by of retail work.  I sent out resumes and got very little response.  It could be because of my lack of permanent address or because I dropped off the work grid for a while. I’m not sure.  But I have been blessed with a really awesome opportunity for the summer.

The Great Smoky Mountains Railroad has offered me a seasonal position working on a train.  How cool is that!  Basically I am a stewardess but on a train.  I got to meet lot of people; older people, younger people and families. We are in the same train car together for several hours. Although I have not been doing it long, I have already meet some great people.  

Every day I work I have the privilege of riding a train.  I get to hear the rhythmic clanking of the train over the rails, I get to try to walk straight in a moving train car and I enjoy hearing the whistles as we pass railway crossings.  I feel so lucky and blessed.

When I was young, my dad took me on a steam train through Pennsylvania.  When the trip was done, we were both covered in soot.  Note to self: close train windows  when traveling through a tunnel.  Covered in soot and smiles that lasted for days, that was us.  My train is a diesel so there is no soot, but the excitement is the same.  

One reason I think I like it so much is because it feels like I am traveling.  The scenery in western North Carolina is breathtaking and always changing.  Each excursion is like a new adventure. So even though I am staying in one place this summer, I am still moving and seeing new things. 

This was a curve in the road I never saw coming but it is a good turn. I hope to make enough money at the end of the summer to take another small trip, one I feel I am ready for.  The first journey was all about learning how to enjoy the journey.  I hope the next journey is less about my fears and more about enjoying the adventures.  Until then I am going to enjoy my train adventures and meet as many new people I can. It is those amazing people that enrich the days.

Here is to an amazing summer. 

“Naked and Afraid” – A Human Condition?

  
 As of late, I have been binge-watching “Naked and Afraid” on the Discovery Channel.  From the title alone, I assumed that I would never watch this show.  It just sounds like a bit of a downer.  Yet one day I turned it on and a binge began.

The premise of the show is that two total strangers meet in a remote and usually dangerous location.  Both parties are stripped of any clothing and belongings (they are allowed a canvas bag with one item of their choosing) .  They are not given food, water, shelter or anything like that.  They must survive 21 days finding necessities from their surroundings.  There is an emergency crew but they are at a different location.  The two participants are basically on their own. 

Why naked you may ask?  Because we, as humans, can “hide” behind clothes, we can use possessions to guard us from real interactions and we can stand behind “things” in order to hide our real selves.  I found this concept, not only completely terrifying, but extremely interesting.  For most of my life I have hidden behind things.  Closed doors allowed me to justify not leaving the house.  Closed curtains allowed me to never see outside myself.  Clothes and make up made becoming someone else much easier; someone who was not me because I was afraid to let the real me show.  I wore my fears like a suit, forever holding me back from trying new things or from trying to connect with a world that I was unsure of.  

This adventure I am on is my own version of “Naked and Afraid”.  I no longer have those things I used to hide behind.  I may not be physically naked but I feel spiritually naked.  Hiding from life is no longer an option.  Being afraid is my constant companion.  Not that my life is necessarily in danger, but everyday presents new things for me to try and to learn.  Resting on laurels is a thing of the past.  I realize now that I have been paralyzed by that fear.

I have previously outlined past failures but I do not think I understood how much that particular fear has ruled my life.  Now I can see it clearly.  It is so much easier to do nothing or only those things you are good at then to step outside the circle of comfort and either fall on your face or climb to the top of the mountain.  The participants of the show are asked why they took on this challenge, especially since there is no big cash prize.  They all say, something to this effect, that they needed to challenge themselves and to find out what they are made of.  Each person was being held back by some fear and this group of people felt the need to challenge those fears.  Most came out of the experience stronger and more sure of themselves.

Fire does that; it purifies and strengthens. We are all experiencing our own fire scenarios.  Seems to me the human condition is a fearful one.  Yet some of us stand up to the fears and some of us hide from them.  Honestly, I would rather hide from them but something inside me has changed and no longer will accept that as an option.  Now when I meet strangers I try to be naked, vulnerable if you will.  Sometimes I am opened up to a wonderful connection with someone I may never have known and sometimes they look at me like what the heck.  You can learn from both experiences for sure but when you get that unexpected hug or the single tear in your eye you realize that you will never be the same.  When you step out and try something new, makes no difference if you succeed or fail, you are changed.  

I prayed for change for years, now I have it.  My thought process is so different now.  It is not all about me, it is about all of us as one community.  Not everyone likes who I am, but that is okay.  Life is not about making sure everyone likes you but it is about being true and authentic even through the fear.   Here is to being naked and afraid, the fires in life that make us all better, stronger people.  I now choose to face my fears instead of cowering in a corner. 

Blessings I Shall Be Counting

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1,2,3…

I have all of God’s blessings with me

4, 5, 6…

The blessings make for a very long list

7, 8, 9…

It’s time I take them all and count them as mine

Don’t worry I won’t quit my day job to write poetry…oh wait, I don’t have a day job.  LOL.  Anyway, I have been struggling to find anything of interest to say.  Words have not been coming and my idea well is somewhat dry.  I want to keep this blog entertaining, but sometimes I lack any interest in myself at all.  Such is the case lately.

Then I met a woman, a mother of a friend. Meeting her has changed my view of myself.  My life has always allowed me to indulge myself in self-absorption.  My world view tends to revolve around me although I see other things and people in life.  I do have empathy but I spend quite a bit of time worrying about me and my situations.

It is hard to look outside that, especially when your life is turned all around and you are searching for some meaning and direction; which is where I am at right now.  Meeting this woman* has opened my eyes to what other people are going through. You may know a person but knowing what they are going through are two different things.  She is a vibrant and intelligent woman with many passions who has had to switch those passions off in order to care for a family member who is very ill.  A woman whose best friend is no longer able to be that person due to illness that is ravaging his body.

Is this courageous person bitter?  No.  Is she struggling to try to do fill the roles of two people?  Yes, but her attitude is surprisingly calm and in control.  I am sure that underneath it all, she has self-doubt, but she knows what needs done and does the tasks at hand.  I watched her the last few days deal with this overwhelming turn her life has taken and she lives with absolute grace.  I can barely show grace on good day, let alone with the things she must deal with.

I am so tired of myself.  I cannot imagine having to let go of all I held dear and become a person who unselfishly gives and gives to another who cannot give much back at this time.  That is true and unconditional love.   I am crying as I write this at the reality of my own faults; which are many (see it is always about me).  I can barely get through a day without, at least, one pity party for myself.  I do not believe there is time or room for pity parties in her life.  What good would they do anyway?  There are happy couple pictures all over her home; pictures that reflect better days. Oh, how I long for those days for her but, alas, they are probably gone for good.  My heart is so sad.

Depression grips me some days and I cannot see anything but sorrow and sadness.  I shake myself trying to get those thoughts out of my head but the veil of darkness does not leave.  How does my new friend find the spark to get up every morning and face the day?  To say I am impressed is an understatement.

Seeing outside of myself really has allowed me to see the many blessings I have in my life.  Perfect my life is not, nor will it ever be.  Perfect is not the goal in reality. Living with grace no matter what the circumstances is a pretty good goal.  To meet someone so full of grace has inspired me to be a better me.   As I have stated many, many times in this blog, I always assumed it would be the “Epic Journey” that opened my eyes and yet again, it is not the traveling but the people I have met along the way who have changed me.  I have met so many wild and wonderful people, people with lives on hold, people unsure of their destiny and future, people who are hurting and people who love in ways I could not have imagined this time last year.

I need to count my blessings and not just say the words but actually do it.  I need to see my life in a different light and I need to remove myself from the center of my universe and be more like my friend.  Grace no matter what, grace to the end.  I have a feeling the journey will be a long one.

  • I did not mention my friend’s name out of respect for her privacy.  I hope you all understand.  Thank you!

 

 

 

 

A Day Spent with the Lady on the Hill
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These are photographs I took for my blog, they have no commercial value and are not being used commercially.

Last Monday was an extra calendar day this leap year, so I wanted to take advantage of the time and do something different.  I decided to visit the Biltmore Estate in Asheville.  The Biltmore Estate was opened on Christmas Eve 1895 for the Vanderbilt family.  I believe it is the largest private residence in the United States.

Here are a few interesting stats:

  • It has four acres of floor space.
  • 250 rooms:  33 bedrooms, 43 bathrooms, 65 fireplaces, 3 kitchens, an indoor swimming pool, a bowling alley and a gym
  • 125,000 acres of forest and farms
  • 250 acre park
  • Garden and conservatory with orchids and other plants
  • Elevators, indoor plumbing and refrigeration were just some of the extras (remember it was built in the 1890s)

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I expected some garish home that was only lived in a couple weeks a year.  I was incorrect. Do not get me wrong, the house is over the top, even by today’s standards but the house was actually lived in and their children were raised there.  It was much more than just some rich family’s fancy weekend home. There were many parties and extended family was always invited to stay for a while.

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The house is amazing, way different from the tiny house models I love (obviously).  But I could appreciate the added touches that were everywhere, especially given when it was built.  Although the house is not what you would call cozy, it was not cold and unlivable either.  According to reports, the staff were treated well and the family was very philanthropic. You read about these people who have homes all over the world and hardly even go to them. That was not the case with the Biltmore.

After touring the home, I toured the gardens and walked on one of the many trails.  The day was beautiful.  The leaves had not budded yet nor were the flowers in bloom but it was still breathtaking.  I cannot even imagine how stunning it is when everything comes back to life after a winter’s nap.  There are streams, ponds and a waterfall.  So much beauty all in one place.

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All in all, it was a great way to spend the extra time given from Leap Year!!

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The Heart is Heavy from Loss

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Today, I just heard that a mentor of mine has passed away.  His name was Bill and he started the company I worked at for almost 20 years.  Today, I am flooded with memories of my time there, some good and some bad but all were amazing.

When I started working in 1989, I was really a lost soul (even more than I am today).  I had recently gotten divorced, had no real job experience to speak of (retail, some bank experience) and I only had my GED.  I had been interviewing all over the place and getting the same response:  sorry, you do not have experience or education.  So when I interviewed, I was asked why I was having such trouble finding a job and I explained what I was being told.

Many years later, the HR Manager told me that when she heard me say that I could not get a job because of lack of experience and education, she decided right than and there that she would get me both.  That was the corporate culture, set forth by Bill and his partner.  Not only do you grow your business, but you grow your employees.  There was an entire culture built around that philosophy.  Many people gained work and life experience as well as a degree. They had a very generous education policy that allowed many to get their degrees, including me.

When I started it was in the Mail Room.  I was scared every day that I was going to goof something up.  I apologized constantly to everyone, I must have looked so pathetic.  One day Bill came up to me in the mail room and asked me what did I know.  Taken aback by the question, I said not much and continued to do my work.  He then asked me what they were paying me for.  That was his sense of humor, but I did not realize it at the time.  For the next two years or so, every time I saw Bill I would start to sweat and shake.  When I had to do something for him, I would do it so completely wrong because I was totally nervous.

I eventually did get over all that and he became a mentor to me.  There were days when he would walk around the facility talking to just about everyone (and he knew all our names), he would get to my office and sit down and either ask me a question about how I thought things were going or something completely random.  He would often tell a story, and when he told a story it was riveting.  Sometimes I would work Saturdays just to get caught up and he would visit my office and ask why I could not get my work done during the week.  Again, it was his sense of humor.

My work days were filled with hard work, learning new things, making lifetime friends, giving back to the community, and having fun.  We all worked hard but when it came time to relax, we did that too.  Picnics, parties and luncheons were all coordinated to either celebrate a milestone or give everyone a break after a long stretch of work. The employees were cared for.

I learned many things about business from Bill, but also things about life.  My life before was unstructured and not cohesive.  I learned to wear many different hats and I gained so much experience.  All the time watching this interesting man run his business and continue to be humble.  His humanity and humility are the things this world will miss the most.  We live in a society where Donald’s and Kanye’s boast about their greatness.  I learned from Bill if you are truly great, you do not have to tell a soul.  It can be seen and felt.  With Bill it was.

I shudder to think where my life would be without knowing Bill and all the people who I worked with.  It was truly a family of sorts.  We would fight, tease, and be rough on each other but in the end we all admired and loved one another.  That is what Bill taught us.  Unfortunately, like all good things, those times ended and people moved on.  I have kept in touch with many and lost touch with many.  I never really talked with Bill after I left, and I regret that.  But his presence lived on in my life and will continue to.

Some people touch your life in ways that cannot be explained.  Bill touched my life and those of many others in that way.  He left a legacy in every person who knew him.  His light will shine for decades to come and I am honored to have known him.

Goodbye, Bill, your life showed me how to live. You WILL be missed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Riding the Tail of the Dragon
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I do not own any of the images used in this post.

A few weeks back I wrote a post about the lovely Tapoco Lodge and I purposely left out the information about how I got there.  Today, I will explain about the Tail of the Dragon (also known as US 129)

The Tail of the Dragon is a 11-mile stretch of paved road between the Great Smoky Mountains and the Cherokee National Forest.  It is, unbeknownst to me the first time I drove it, a coveted road for motorcyclists and sports car enthusiasts.  I have read that there are no intersections or driveways to interfere with the drive.  To be honest, I never even noticed that and I have driven it three times now.  When you ride the dragon, you keep your eyes on the road and that is it, end of story.

You see it is not just a scenic little drive through the mountains-although it is that–there are actually 318 curves, twists, and switchbacks on that 11 mile strip of road.  318!!!!  Did I mention the sheer drops, no berms and the possibility of animals crossing the road?  And there is always the chance of rock slides and fallen trees in the road.

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The first time I drove it I was totally ignorant of the dragon.  I had never heard of it.  In fact, it was my third time driving it that I even realized what was going on.  Then it all made sense.  Until then I thought it was just some poorly executed road through the mountains.  My first drive on the dragon was at night and during a rainstorm.  The absolute terror I felt has basically wiped most of the memories away of that night.  I thought I was in some bad horror movie.  The dark (very dark) road went on and on for what seemed like hours.  I had motorcycles and sports cars passing me at high speeds and there was no where to turn off or turn around.  There is very little phone reception due to the mountains.  I was sure that somewhere along the road was going to be my final resting place.

I made it to my destination about an hour late, then I had the great pleasure of driving it again to get back to where I was staying.  Luckily, the GPS found a different route back but it was still a challenge especially at night.

The second time I drove it was during the day and I just took my time.  Again, motorcycles and sports cars passed me with a vengeance.  It had to look funny seeing this middle-aged woman driving this four-door SUV on this road.  I was still clueless as to what was going on.  Again, I made it to my destination.  This time I stayed a while and did not give the dragon another thought.

It was when I booked the room at the Tapoco Lodge (I had stopped there on one of  my trips looking for directions–that is when I decided I wanted to stay there) that I started to read about the Tail of the Dragon and learned just how many curves there actually are. 318!!  Sitting on the porch of my cabin at the Tapoco Lodge I watched dozens of motorcycles, Corvettes, Porsches and other sports cars zoom past on their way to quite an adventurous drive.  That was in December, I cannot imagine how crowded the road can get in the summer.

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Riding the Tail of the Dragon (not once, but three times) was never on my plan when I started this trip.  But it actually has turned out to be one of my proudest achievements.  I am not sure how many SUVs make the trip, but Devi rose to the challenge, hugged that road and kept going.  She is an amazing vehicle!  The things I have put her through!

There are many accidents along this road.  I have read that it can take an hour or longer to get emergency personnel to an accident scene due to the remoteness.  This road is to be respected and not thought of lightly.  People have lost their lives here.  So if you ever find yourself on the tail, tread lightly but have fun.  It is quite a road and the scenery is breathtaking if you get a chance to see it.

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Half Full or Half Empty?

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The other day I was emailing my sister about the things going on in my life.  She is my best cheerleader; she picks me up when I fall, she encourages me when I am down, and helps me think clear when my mind is cloudy.  This particular day I as down more than my usual amount and she encouraged me.  Then she said that she was a glass half full person.  I have heard that saying so many times, but I never really thought about what it meant.

What does that mean?  In her case, I believe, it means that as long as there is something in the glass she still has hope and blessings in her life.  She does see the positive in life.

So in the reverse, I suppose, it would mean that if your glass was half empty that you feel that you are lacking in something, in need of whatever was in the glass even though there is still some remaining.

I got to thinking about a glass of iced tea (my favorite!).  The glass comes to me full and after I take my first sip I worry when am I going to get more.  The glass isn’t even half empty yet and I am already ruminating about running out. I can no longer enjoy the tea because I am worrying about it. The same is true with Oreo’s.  I eat the first one and I feel the need to get a new package for when the first package is gone.  How messed up is that?!?  It is almost like hoarding, but not quite.  I do not want to keep the tea or the Oreo’s indefinitely.  I want to consume them but I want to be sure I have more for the next time.

So, the half-full, half-empty scenario does not seem to work for me.  I do not want lots of things, but the things that I do want I tend to want in overflow mode.  Then comes the time I have had my fill of Oreo’s and I move on to PopTarts or some other thing.  Then the cycle starts all over again.

After much thought, I do not think I really want the Oreo’s, but I want the comfort they provide.  I want to hoard comfort.  I realize that I am so afraid of losing the few things that give me comfort that I am in a constant state of anxiety trying to be comforted.  I know it makes no sense.  I think that is why the epic journey did not work as well as I had hoped because I could not live in the moment.  I had to be on the look out for my next comforting moment.

When I speak of comfort I do not necessarily mean a posh bed with a down comforter.  I mean the intangible feeling of being safe and secure; having my own space where I can just be.  I had a hard time finding that on the road.  Devi became my comfort zone as she represented a space that was mine, and even today she is that to me.

I feel I am in constant anxiety mode worrying that my comfort zone will be gone or that I will have to find a new one, so I am always looking.  I am never enjoying today because tomorrow I may be out of Oreo’s.  It is no wonder I am never happy or content, I am always on the edge of the cliff.

That explains a lot.  Now, how do I fix it?  Do I give up Oreo’s all together and learn to live without them?  I have written in the past wondering how important a comfort zone really is and I am still struggling with that ideal.  I need to start living in the moment, but I honestly do not know how.  I should be able to eat the Oreo’s and not worry about getting more.  I should be able to eat them and move onto HoHo’s or whatever that particular day offers me.  Each day is different and I think I look to the Oreo’s to be the consistent thing, the comfort, in my life.

I have to learn that, as the saying goes, it is the journey not the destination that is what makes life worth living.  I have been fighting the journey all the time saying that the journey is all I want in life.  I have been afraid; afraid of change, afraid of discomfort, afraid of everything.  Now it is time for me to wipe all that away and live today without worrying about the Oreo’s for tomorrow.  For tomorrow there will either by Oreo’s or maybe even something better.  I cannot hold on so tightly to an ideal that I cannot live my life.

I spent many years  barely able to leave the house without extreme terror.  I was literally afraid of everything and everyone.  I was miserable. I finally learned to step out of it, but not completely.  I must have held onto some of that fear as it has resurfaced.  The comfort I thought I felt being in that house and not being able to go out actually turned into a prison rather than a place of comfort.  I am starting to do that again without the house part.  I have no real place to hide and it is freaking me out.

Understanding the problem is the first step to recovering from it.  Maybe now I can start working on weaning myself off of the Oreo’s and enjoying the things going on around me instead of worrying about tomorrow.  I want to be a glass half full person.  I want to see the possibilities and not the reasons it will not work.  I am going to start enjoying the moment and forget about tomorrow.  As it has been said, tomorrow is not guaranteed anyway.  Why ruin today because I have to plan out tomorrow?

I am sure this is going to be easier said then done, but now I understand the Oreo’s in my life and I think I can make some changes.

Here is to the people in your life who are your cheerleaders…we all need them and I hope to “get well enough” to be that for someone else.  Those people are the ones that create the change in life.  Thank you to Rita for being my cheerleader.