1,2,3…

I have all of God’s blessings with me

4, 5, 6…

The blessings make for a very long list

7, 8, 9…

It’s time I take them all and count them as mine

Don’t worry I won’t quit my day job to write poetry…oh wait, I don’t have a day job.  LOL.  Anyway, I have been struggling to find anything of interest to say.  Words have not been coming and my idea well is somewhat dry.  I want to keep this blog entertaining, but sometimes I lack any interest in myself at all.  Such is the case lately.

Then I met a woman, a mother of a friend. Meeting her has changed my view of myself.  My life has always allowed me to indulge myself in self-absorption.  My world view tends to revolve around me although I see other things and people in life.  I do have empathy but I spend quite a bit of time worrying about me and my situations.

It is hard to look outside that, especially when your life is turned all around and you are searching for some meaning and direction; which is where I am at right now.  Meeting this woman* has opened my eyes to what other people are going through. You may know a person but knowing what they are going through are two different things.  She is a vibrant and intelligent woman with many passions who has had to switch those passions off in order to care for a family member who is very ill.  A woman whose best friend is no longer able to be that person due to illness that is ravaging his body.

Is this courageous person bitter?  No.  Is she struggling to try to do fill the roles of two people?  Yes, but her attitude is surprisingly calm and in control.  I am sure that underneath it all, she has self-doubt, but she knows what needs done and does the tasks at hand.  I watched her the last few days deal with this overwhelming turn her life has taken and she lives with absolute grace.  I can barely show grace on good day, let alone with the things she must deal with.

I am so tired of myself.  I cannot imagine having to let go of all I held dear and become a person who unselfishly gives and gives to another who cannot give much back at this time.  That is true and unconditional love.   I am crying as I write this at the reality of my own faults; which are many (see it is always about me).  I can barely get through a day without, at least, one pity party for myself.  I do not believe there is time or room for pity parties in her life.  What good would they do anyway?  There are happy couple pictures all over her home; pictures that reflect better days. Oh, how I long for those days for her but, alas, they are probably gone for good.  My heart is so sad.

Depression grips me some days and I cannot see anything but sorrow and sadness.  I shake myself trying to get those thoughts out of my head but the veil of darkness does not leave.  How does my new friend find the spark to get up every morning and face the day?  To say I am impressed is an understatement.

Seeing outside of myself really has allowed me to see the many blessings I have in my life.  Perfect my life is not, nor will it ever be.  Perfect is not the goal in reality. Living with grace no matter what the circumstances is a pretty good goal.  To meet someone so full of grace has inspired me to be a better me.   As I have stated many, many times in this blog, I always assumed it would be the “Epic Journey” that opened my eyes and yet again, it is not the traveling but the people I have met along the way who have changed me.  I have met so many wild and wonderful people, people with lives on hold, people unsure of their destiny and future, people who are hurting and people who love in ways I could not have imagined this time last year.

I need to count my blessings and not just say the words but actually do it.  I need to see my life in a different light and I need to remove myself from the center of my universe and be more like my friend.  Grace no matter what, grace to the end.  I have a feeling the journey will be a long one.

• I did not mention my friend’s name out of respect for her privacy.  I hope you all understand.  Thank you!