Generally Speaking, Generalizations are Bad by Lois Hewitt

Too many times, I speak using words like always, never, all, everybody and so on.  These words, in and of themselves, are not bad. But used to paint a broad stroke statement about a group is bad.

Here is an example.  The other day, I posted what I thought was a fairly harmless post on Facebook.  After a particularly difficult driving day in the city, I came home and posted that I was disappointed with the concept of the “big city” and was surprised at the rudeness I had endured that day.

i was not intending on making a political statement or any statement at all.  I was simply frustrated at the fact that driving in my new town has been a challenge for me. Many of my friends replied agreements and told stories similar from small towns and large.

Then came the reply from someone I had offended.  She felt that my broad generalization was completely incorrect.  She lives near New York City and feels big city people are friendlier than the small minded tourists that visit the city.  I read her post and I understood her point although I did not necessarily agree, so I sincerely apologized.  I did make a broad stroke generalization and I was wrong.  I thought it was over.

Then she wrote back attacking my friends who had agreed with me.  She talked with contempt about the visitors to her home town that are rude and ignorant and that they hail from small towns. Then she ended her post by saying that we were probably missing a Trump rally or an anti-immigration rally.  Wow, where did that come from?  Politics was never mentioned.  She basically called me out for my generalization but didn’t she do the same about my friends, me and everyone from a small town?

I was taken aback.  I don’t know where her anger came from over a fairly innocent post on Facebook.  I surely was not attacking her in any way or the people of NYC.  I was just pointing out that the drivers in Asheville are aggressive at times, to be clear I mean some, not all the drivers.  I was venting some frustration and apologized for speaking out of turn.  She was not satisfied.  She immediately unfriended me, the only thing that upset me about that is that she unfriended me before I could have unfriended her.

Honestly, I was not trying to offend anyone, except maybe the person who nearly ran me off the road because they were in such a hurry.  I tried to see her side/the other side of the story.  I understood what her original point was and I conceded that I was incorrect in my statement.  That should really have ended it.  It may have been nice if she had tried to see my side, but I didn’t really expect that to happen.  But I never expected the continuation of the outburst with personal attacks.

Unfortunately, my travel blog is turning into something completely different.  I’m desperately trying to figure out our society but I cannot seem to understand where it is right now.  Now I’m not talking about racist remarks.  I’m not talking about harassment of any kind, but just simple observations about things happening today.  Not everything said is meant to start a fight.  Sometimes an observation may have been intended to be funny or cute.  I was not looking for a fight that day but I got one.  It was also one I was not going to win because my “opponent “ was offended and felt the only way out was to attack me.

There were a couple of things that could have happened.

  1.  I could have kept my thoughts to myself. I am getting less and less inclined to speak anymore for fear of retribution.  As a side note, I finally overcame my shyness and now the climate we live in does not tolerate free speech or thoughts that do not agree with the offended party.
  2. She could have disagreed with my post all together and moved on without saying a word. When I see a post I do not like, I simply keep scrolling.  My opinion is not going to change it.
  3. She could have said her mind.  Read my next post to her with my apology and she could have gracefully moved on without making it political.

None of those things happened.  They hardly ever do anymore.  We see the fights and the name calling everywhere we look these days.  I do not expect that everyone will think the same way I do, but I still feel entitled to my believes as I respect those of others. Give and take….does anyone remember that concept?  I,at the very least, try to understand your point and you do the same for me.  If we agree to disagree, so be it.  We shake hands and walk away friends still. No one was called a bad name, no “F” bombs were dropped.  We simply disagreed.  Those days, I assuming are gone.  I am sad because we sometimes learn from others opinions and ideas.  Now if they are not my ideas, they are automatically wrong.  I’m very sad for our society.  Civility is leaving the building.

One thing I did learn from this, and it is a good thing, I will try not to make broad generalizations.  They are not good.

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The Changing Me by Lois Hewitt

I’m going to be completely honest here, even if it paints me in a bad light.  In this age of tolerance, I am becoming intolerant.  I see all these bumper stickers that say “coexist” but those are the same cars tailgating and cutting off other drivers.  I see t shirts that say “all we need is Love” being worn by people who are impatient with older citizens and who yell at service workers.  I hear the words being spoken that we must all be tolerant of everyone else while no one is tolerant in what I believe.  I hate to say it, but all this blathering on and quoting John Lennon is just hot air.  I know there are people who are trying to make the world a better place.  All I want to know is where they are at. We need you!

i just came home from the laundromat as mad as I have been in a while.  I am trying to teach myself that rudeness is all around and the only thing I have in my arsenal is tolerance and empathy.  But that did not cut it today.  The place was full of unsupervised yelling children.  One child decided it was ok to get on the folding table and walk on my clean clothes.  Where was the mother you ask, on the other side of the room on her phone.  Meanwhile her spawn is wrecking the place with the other feral kids.

My mind wonders what in the world they are going to be like when they become adults.  Then there are the entitled ones who expect you to cater to their every whim.  I’m intolerant of both sides of that spectrum.  I’m intolerant of the parents ignorant behavior.  Believe me, I can only imagine what it takes to be a parent, I don’t envy the job.  I will have empathy for those who are at least trying to teach, if not manners, at least boundaries.

But then I see all the adults around who have very little regard for anyone but themselves and I totally understand where the children learn these behaviors.  I am at a loss.  I cannot understand the thought process that, for example, let’s a parent place a baby on an expensive piece of art so they can take a picture. Happened just the other day.  Or the parent that allows their offspring to throw rocks at glass art that is someone’s property.  I’m intolerant of the lack of respect.  In reality, it comes down to us…the adults.  I cannot really blame a child for bad behavior.

This post is not really about rude children as it is about where we as a society are heading.  There is more and more anger.  Everyone is constantly in a hurry to yet another event.  Money is tight and advertising still pushes us to buy more and more. We have to make a date with ourselves to relax. But then we can’t because there is always more to do.  We are all going to collectively snap one day.  Tensions are so high and manners take too much effort.  But it’s manners that make us human. What are we going to do?  I don’t know, but I’m tired of all the attitude.

Its easy to say coexist but it’s an entirely different world to live it. I thought by trying to ignore or accept it that I could live with it.  I was wrong.  I cannot tolerate bad behavior as a way to get through the day.  I hate that I don’t have the answer.  But I’m really done accepting it.  When a child I didn’t even know decided to get up on a table and walk across my freshly washed laundry, I declared war on bad manners and ignorance of such things.

All I can say is that it’s on!  I have no idea what I’m going to do, but accepting it is no longer an option!

Don’t Ignore a Day by Lois Hewitt

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In my blog, I try to not mention my husband, Mike, too much.  Not because I do not want to but I respect his privacy.  I spent too many years embarrassing him, especially when alcohol was involved, by talking about everything.  I did not have any filters when I was younger.  I would say anything.  I’m sure there were times when he would cringe and wonder what he got himself into.

But here we are 28 years later, still married and still friends.  I am truly blessed.  We all know couples that have suffered loss.  One partner passes away unexpectedly or, maybe, they knew it was coming.  Either way, it is still an epic blow.

I  find, after being together for a while, it’s easy to take one another for granted.  We really mustn’t do that.  Life can change in a millisecond and there is no going back.  Nothing in the future is promised to us. I shutter to think about all the possibilities that can happen in a day.  I try not to dwell on them, but oue just never knows the outcome.

I need to appreciate the little things.  Mike carries my purse when I’m too tired to do it.  He opens car doors for me.  He walks on the outside when we are on a sidewalk.  He listens to my crazy ideas.  He will stay up all night researching alternative remedies if I am not feeling well.  As well as a million other things.  He is a good man, a true gentleman.

Do I tell him enough?  Probably not.  Do I expect such kindnesses? Sure.  Do I know how special he is?  Absolutely!  So how do you deal with the stresses of every day life and still have wonder about the person you are spending your life with.  It takes an effort, but one that is worth the work.  We may have been together a while, but there are still new stories to hear or repeats of old ones.  There are adventures to be had and dreams to dream about.

Some days life weighs too heavy on me and I forget that the pressures will eventually pass.  I need to always listen, take the time and be present.  Sometimes we sit and talk about where we have been and what we have gotten through together.  Not to obsess over the hard times, but to recall a few and remember that we moved forward through them together.  Of course, it always fun to laugh about the crazy times.  But it’s also important to think about what you want to do as a couple.  We may never do half of what we talk about but dreaming together is fun and helps to strengthen the bond you have as a couple.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m the last person to be giving advise on anything.  But I notice in myself how easy it is to get caught up in every day life and forget to look for the magic.  Every day is a gift, and I don’t want to take it for granted.

Mike is the first person I want to call with a triumph and the first person I need to talk with when I’m sad.  I have said it before but I’m blessed. I plan to always try to appreciate the little things in life as they are the things that touch our very souls.  Those little things make us better human beings.  We must not take those things for granted, life is way too short!

I’m Not As Smart As I Think. By Lois Hewitt

A lot has happened since my last post.  That job I was disappointed about not getting, I actually got it.  So I have been training and reading.  I am required to know a lot of history for my new position.   For each stage of the job, you get certified by taking a test.  Well, I took my first test last week.  I walked in cocky, like I always do.  Took the test.  I left with crazy ideas about being the first person to get all the questions correct or maybe I That broke some sort of record.  Then I got the call with my results.  They asked when I could come back in and retake the test.  Seems I missed quite a few of the answers.  I returned much humbler than before and still barely passed it.

it’s a funny thing, I have never done anything that made me stand out as a super intellectual or a super athlete, but deep down I’m always just a bit full of myself and it is unwarranted.  I work hard at being humble. It’s not easy!

I got to thinking that is why pridefulness is one of the big seven sins.  It’s so easy to be prideful without much provocation.  It happens to the nicest people as well as the most ruthless.  We, as humans, can so quickly think that we are something that we not. It seems to be part of our make up.

i learned a great lesson.  Don’t think overly of yourself and your abilities.  Don’t seek validation for successes.  Do accept failures and really learn from them.  Do seek to be genuinely humble.  Every time I think I’m “Miss All That”, i generally get knocked down a peg or two.  I don’t want that anymore.  That hurts and I don’t like hurting any longer.

I see the beauty and the grace in a humble spirit and that’s the person I long to be.  Being brazen never really suited me anyway.  I’m so happy I did not pass my test the first time as it made me realize that my priorities were slightly skewed.

Life certainly takes some curvy paths to get you were you need to go.  I guess it’s best to buckle in and enjoy the ride!

Disappointment…A Good Thing?  By Lois Hewitt


The past few days I have been waiting patiently by the phone for a call about a job I wanted.  I waited and I waited, but no call came.  Then this morning I received the “thank you but no thank you” email.  I didn’t get the job.  I had two interviews that I thought went perfectly.  I was charming and witty, or so I thought.  But, apparently, it was not enough.  

I’m very disappointed and can add this experience to my rather long list of things that did not work out the way I had planned.  I was so disappointed that I replied to the email and asked, point blank, what I had done wrong.  I really wasn’t expecting a reply.  I just wanted to say something. 

But I got a reply back stating that the notes from my interviews were very positive and not to be discouraged.  They also pointed me in the direction of other open positions that might be a better fit.  

Quite a while ago I wrote a blog post about all the mistakes and failures I have made in my life.  There have been many!  As I wrote that post, I realized that those outwardly failures were actually blessings in disguise.  I learned more from stumbling and falling than I ever would have if it had all just gone my way.  This morning I realized the same is true of disappointment.  Normally, I would have been upset and cried but this time I am looking at what my next step is.  What do I do now? 

I know, in the past, if things had gone my way that I would have gone down the wrong path.  Maybe that is what would have happened if I had gotten that job I thought I wanted.  Maybe it was the wrong path and now I’m free to go down the correct one. Truthfully, I wish it was easier to know but that takes the mystery out of all of it.

So instead of being upset, I am going to explore other options within the same company and outside it.  I was so certain that I was getting this position that I may have missed a few good ones.

I  feel like I finally learned an epic lesson.  When something doesn’t happen the way you thought it might, it’s not the end of the world.  No.  It’s really a chance to broaden your horizons and look beyond the circumstances to see a much bigger picture!  I’m so excited that my epic journey is finally teaching me real life lessons.  I’m beginning to see the world differently.

Disappointment is going to happen.  I might as well come to terms with it and embrace it.  

A Human Problem by Lois Hewitt

I was just scrolling the MSN homepage.  This is what I saw:

A school shooting, 17 dead.  A six year old boy abused and killed by his older brother.  A teenager stabbed and beaten to death by a man and his girlfriend.   A preschool teacher accused of abuse during nap time.   A young child abused, torchured and killed.  Aid agencies accused of abuse.  A young woman sold into modern day slavery (human trafficking).

That’s just part of the feed for this morning.  First, let me say how sad I am for these victims and their families. I cannot even begin to understand their pain and loss.  I’m mad for them.  I generally try to stay away from these types of subjects.  There are enough opinions out there to go around, but I wanted to say something.  

The media is screaming that guns kill.  From the Internet feed, so do knives and blunt instruments.  How many lives are lost to someone’s bare hands?  I know a person who was almost killed by a tow chain.  Lest not forget how many people die from hit and run accidents or other forms of vehicular incidents.

I am in no way advocating guns or no guns, knives or no knives, cars or no cars.  Seems to me these issues come down to the same common denominator…human beings.  A human has to choose to pull the trigger or grab a knife.  A human decides to kidnap, enslave or kill.  A human chooses to buy a child for unspeakable acts.  Choices were made in every one of these scenarios by a human being.  

We can outlaw guns as well as butter knives and all variety of blunt objects.  But the core problem, in my uneducated opinion, is what can we do about the deprivation of the human spirit.  What has happened to our world that genocide is a sideline on the news.  Why are people so much more violent today?  What has happened to brotherly love?

Just the other day, Mike and I were out for a drive through a park when this menacing truck speeds up behind us. Mike sped up since it was a no passing area but no matter the speed it wasn’t fast enough. When we finally got to a passing location Mike flagged the truck to go past.  The truck passed alright but not before almost running our car off the road.  The driver literally was inches from hitting us and possibly pushing us down a steep hill.  I understand that is not the same as these horrific crimes.  But I can tell you that random type of aggression is very scary.  It seemingly came out of nowhere.  Was it the trucks fault?  No, the driver was the one with intent in their heart.  What can be done about the human condition?

I do not have an answer. I find myself retreating more and more.  I always search for ways to better myself.  I try to be encouraging and positive.  I try to learn from my mistakes.  That’s all fine and good. What do we, as a society, do about those with aggression in their hearts? Do you wake up one morning and decide to hurt someone or is the thought always there in the back of your mind?  

I understand the father who tried to hurt the doctor that abused his daughters.  His thought process was probably the same as another parent in that situation. I cannot understand how someone can hurt a child or another human being?  That thought process is beyond me. 

So, society, what do we do?  How does the human factor/problem get fixed?  I wish everyday that I had an answer. I used to think it was enough to try to make my piece of the world better. But now I see life is like an oil spill. You start out with lots of clean water, then slowly the oil starts to foul some of the water and you think you can keep up.  Then the spill rapidly starts to grow and you realize the oil is going to contaminate all the water and there is no stopping it.  The violence has ramped up.  Even non-violent demonstrations seem to end in violence.

Dare I say this is what happens when humans turn their back on God and His moral compass?  The more ungodly society gets, the more anger and aggression rears it’s ugly head.  Religion has failed society also.  Not God, but religion.  So humans turned to other forms of comfort and instruction.  Those ended up being much more fun anyway.  Bar stools and crack spoons became the new alter in which to worship.  Gluttony, sloth and greed became the new gods to worship.  And the oil spill continues with no resolution in sight.

I’m sorry this isn’t my normal post, but I think we all have to look at the human aspect of these problems not the instruments used, but the human choices that are made. What can be done about that?  I don’t know.  I wish I did.

Yet Another Ism by Lois Hewitt


Today the talk is all about racism and sexism.  There are marches to show the injustices.  There is looting and destruction in the streets to show the injustices. Speech after speech is being made to help the uninformed understand the injustices.  Violence seems to be the answer for many people.  Believe me, I do understand that things are not fair and I wish life was more equatable.    But there is a silent ism that I haven’t heard anyone talk much about.

The people, including myself, involved in this ism do not generally protest, loot or create havoc.  Basically we are just too tired and too beat down.  The ism I speak of is ageism. In my travels, I have met hundreds of over 50 people working minimum wage or a little higher.  They cannot find jobs in their fields.  We have experience that no one wants to pay for.  Now I’m not saying if I got an office job doing many multiple duties that I should get $18 an hour. But I think the experience and work ethic are worth more than minimum wage.

My resume does not state my age nor are prospective employers allowed to ask. But if I have 25 years of experience, you can guess I’m not 25 years old.  I’m currently looking for work that will allow me to pay my bills and put some aside for more travel. Of the hundred or so resumes I have sent out, I have only gotten interest from minimum wage positions that are part time with no benefits.  At this point, I have given up any chance for health insurance.  Most older people I have talked to are in the same predicament.  Every day hoping that this is not the day you get really sick.

I’m also finding how difficult it is to find affordable housing.  In the city I am currently in, rents start at over $1,000 a month.  How can I make that and pay my other bills?  I cannot. I worked with an older woman who resorted to living in an RV because she and her husband could no longer afford their home after they lost their jobs. All they could do is wait until they were eligible for SSI.  

I know what you are thinking….well, Lois, if you had been more fiscally aware in your younger days, things may be different.  That is an absolute correct response. I do not try to hide the fact that I was a shopaholic for many years.  Those years I made extremely good wages and I blew it. Many people have similar experiences or maybe an unexpected catastrophe made them lose it all.  Lots of things can happen. Most people are not looking for a handout, just a decent paying job.  Is that too much to ask?

My skin isn’t as tight as it used to be.  I don’t have a cute, tiny figure.  I do, however, have job experiences and a strong work ethic.  I tend to tolerate less drama than my younger counterparts, but they get the interviews not me.  Does it come down to youth and looks?  I hope not, but you think it.  Some jobs I apply for I just know they want a younger person to be the face of the company.  I could be off base, I just don’t know for sure. No one ever mentions age.  Most of my rejection emails say they found someone more qualified.  I am pretty sure I was qualified.

My journey has been about finding the authentic me and empowerment.  But, and I hate to admit this, a lot of times I feel discouraged and disenfranchised.  I assumed that once “they” saw my credentials, a job would not be far behind.  I fooled myself with this type of thinking.  I based an entire lifestyle change on a lie.  The lie that no matter what, I could support myself.  I could work for minimum wage but I could not support myself.  There is a difference. It has nothing to do with a job being beneath me either.  If only I had been born rich instead of beautiful (LOL)!

I’m not trying to complain but I think it is time to think of the realities that my age brings. I still think that I am a young person but my body show the truth.  I’m slower than I used to be.  Some jobs I have had of late were very physically hard on my body and my mind.  I am not as resilient as I used to be.  I run the risk of being sicker than the young ones vying for the same jobs.  Getting old is not for the faint of heart.

I want to end this post on a positive note, but today I do not have one.  My bank balance is as low as I am right now.  Job prospects are not in my sight.  This is a tough time in history to be older.  My advise to young people, plan for getting older.  It’s easier stocking shelves at 25 rather than 55.  I do believe there is a greater plan.  Today I’m too tired to look for it.  

There will be no marches for us today.

It’s The Little Things by Lois Hewitt


For the last five years or so I have been cutting my own hair and not wearing any make up.  My wardrobe consists of black t-shirts and black pants.  I do not even own a comb or a brush.  All the time I believed that I was living up to some unspoken code of either frugality or minimalism.  I felt that if I spent money on a real haircut that I was turning my back on my beliefs.  

So today I went on an interview with a company I really want to work for (if I get it, I will tell you all about it).  I walked into the corporate office in my train uniform as that’s the only thing I own that resembles anything even remotely dressed up. I wore a big scarf to hide the train logo on my vest.  My hair was an absolute mess.  I tried this morning to even it out and cover the ever-growing bald spot in the back, but I proceeded to make it even worse. There was no time to fix it.  My shoes were a muddy mess and my purse did not match anything I was wearing.

The interview seemed to go well I hope.  But when I got back to my car I looked at myself in the rear view mirror and came to a startling conclusion.  I had, plain and simply, given up on myself.  I was using the excuse that what I looked like doesn’t matter.  Well, it does…like it or not.  This place I want to work is not overly obsessed with appearances but has a certain reputation to live up to.  You have to look, at the very least, like you care.  I feel that I did not look that way.  Hopefully, my experience will get me in the door.

On the way back home, I stopped at a Fantastic Sam’s for a real haircut.  Because of the missteps I had take with the hair shears, there was not a lot she could do.  We laughed as she continued to cut and even out the mess I had made.  When it was all over, my hair looked really nice.  It was now well-kept looking and neat.  $16 plus a tip was all it took to make a world of a difference.  I had not betrayed any philosophy I was living under. The next stop was for a bottle of foundation to even out the skin tone. Nothing fancy, just a little bit of help.

I wish I would have done this before the interview, but I think it will be okay.  So what did I learn?  It is actually ok to look as good as you can. The littlest change can bring about renewed self-confidence and give you a little lift in your step.  Caring about your appearance does not mean that you can’t be authentic.  I foolishly talked myself into believing that if I cut my hair or wore a touch of makeup that I was being fake somehow. It caused me to basically give up.

Do not get me wrong, I can still comb my hair with my fingers.  The bottle of foundation will probably still be here long after I’m gone. But that’s ok. I can still be authentic and care about myself.

Why are these lessons taking so long for me to learn?  I guess I’m just a slow learner.  I’m, at least, glad to be learning them.  I’m marking in my calendar the date for my next hair appointment.  I sort of feel like an adult. 😜

PS. I forgot to wear deodorant….I will try to remember next time!

Giving Up and Letting Go by Lois Hewitt


As far back as I can remember, I have always eaten sugar and lots of it.  Sugary cereals were the norm, Coke was my only drink of choice and candy and sweets were their own food group. Back in the day, no one knew the ramifications of eating so much sugar. It was just the way I lived. I remember opting for Fruity Pebbles and a Coke for dinner many nights.

Vegetables were not even on my radar unless, of course, they were french fries.  The only thing I ate that was green were the green shamrock marshmallows in Lucky Charms.  As I grew older I did learn to love corn but found out the hard way that one cannot live by corn alone.

I recently read an article that stated (now the numbers may not be exact but you will see my point), at the turn of the century the average person ate approximately two pounds of sugar a year.  The article went on to say that today the average person eats approximately 156 pounds of sugar a year.  Big difference!  I would venture a guess that that number would be low for me.  I consumed sugar in copious amounts everyday.  

Everyday I felt worse than the day before.  Now that I am half way through my 50s I knew I had to change.  I tried gradually stopping which only served to work for a day and then I would reward myself with more sugar.  I knew I was literally and figuratively killing myself but I could not stop. The same article stated that sugar was more addictive than cocaine.  I was truly and completely addicted to all things sugar. I realized that weaning myself off sugar was not going to work.  I was starting to have real health problems.  After doing a lot of research, I found out diets full of sugar contribute to many of the issues I was having.

So one day I gave up foods with added sugar.  I started eating fruit and raw vegetables.  I started making mindful decisions about what I put in my body.  I started reading food labels and researching the best ways to eat.  I would love to say that everything was rainbows and unicorns after that, but I cannot.  My body revolted at the new foods.  It was like a demon inside of me making sick and nasty and hating myself for this new choice.  My anxiety levels jumped through the roof, my body physically hurt, I could not eat anything for days and water tasted like battery acid.  I thought about giving up and going back but I had come this far.

Days went on like this with no end in sight.  I had a few nights where I honestly thought that this was the end.  I thought I was dying.  My mind rationalized that it was just too late to change.  I had many opportunities to change before this and I foolishly denied them. Now I was paying the price.  But I made it through those anxiety-riddled nights. Then one day I woke up and felt better than I had in a long time.  I was thrilled.  I decided to hike and start enjoying life now that I was given a second chance.  The next few days were bad again but a good day snuck in here and there. 

The other day I was grocery shopping and had filled my cart with organic vegetables and nutritious foods.  By some odd twist of fate I ended up in the bakery.  Surrounded by lovely sugary confections. I found myself wondering if one treat would really hurt. Yes, It would because for me it would start the entire cycle over again. I could not bear to have that happen. So I walked away.

I’m still waiting for the other health issues to resolve themselves or I hope they will. But I figure I beat my body up for 55 years, it was going to take longer than four weeks to fully recover. Patience and discipline were my new friends.  

So what have I learned from all this.  Healthy, nutritional foods actually taste better than sugary, empty foods.  I also learned the value of sticking to something even if it is very difficult.  This was a hard time but I rode it out. It showed me the person I always wanted to be.  She is inside me, she just needs a little coaxing to come out.  

I’m happy to have given up something that had such control over me. The battle may be mine but I know the war is still waging.  Like any addiction, I have to be aware of it every day and at every meal. I need to reset certain activities that centered around my binge eating entire boxes of Pop-Tarts.  I was a closet binge eater, I would do it when no one was around so that way I would never have to be accountable to anyone. It was my dirty secret. Now I am accountable to my loved ones, to God and to myself. 

It is a beautiful lesson to learn that going through the fire does lead to purification.  

Reflections on Past Resolutions 


Every year at this time I break out the colored pencils and design a resolution board.  This board is complete with pictures that are meant to inspire me as well as goals I would like to reach in the new year.  Typically when I am done it looks awesome.  Then I put it away and never look at it again.  I realize now why I do that every year….it’s overwhelming.  

I desperately want to change so many areas of my life, I want so badly to be a better person.  My resolution board actually undermines the whole process.  By seeing all the things I want to change in one place, my mind shuts down and, basically, laughs at itself.  All the negativity starts to flow.  What are you thinking, you can’t believe you can change all that.  Self-doubt joins the party.  And I sit there discouraged and deflated.

I may be ok for a day or two, but the change is never long lasting. So this year is different. No more resolution boards or lists.  This is going to be my year of self-control and of doing the right things even if they are not easy.  I would much rather eat a Big Mac and fries then make a salad.  It’s easier to watch television then it is to read a book.  Don’t get me started on all the excuses I can come up with that exercise is bad for me.  No more excuses.

The last few weeks have been a challenge for me.  I was unwell and could barely leave my bed. I started researching health issues. I started a journal for all the information I found.  I have done this all before but this time it seems to have stuck.  I started with small changes, and felt worse (which is normal during the detoxification stage). Every day or so I added something new and took away something bad.  And I still felt worse. But I stayed the course and one morning I woke up and felt better than I had in years.  Then I had another bad day, then a couple of good days.  Suddenly I could actually see some positive changes.  

I’m starting to feel better and now I don’t want to go back.  I could still probably eat a box of Twinkies (who am I kidding, of course I can eat the whole box) but do I want to?  No, I don’t. I realize now that if I ate just one, like a normal person, that I could not stop.  There is the core problem.  I have an obsessive personality that does not allow me just one.  Finally realizing that has helped me to come to terms with those things that I thought used to comfort me, but in reality were killing me.

Once I felt better I started working on my anxiety issues and seem to be making progress.  As each day dawns, and I feel better I can take a half step closer to becoming the person I want to be.  I felt so miserable for so long I gradually became a miserable person.  I was someone I did not like.  Writing all the resolutions in the world wasn’t going to change that. The change comes from within and evolves as my mind and body change.  

I have learned a lot over the past few years, but now my soul seems more open to new and different experiences.  I’m eating foods I would never have looked at before.  Meditation is helping control the anxiety.  Exercise is changing my physical body.  These are the changes I always wanted to make but didn’t know how.  I simply made a few changes out of necessity and then more opportunities to change appeared.  

I’m sure I will have days that I backslide but I hope it’s not an epic fail, like eating an entire cake.  If most days can have some forward progression I will be happy.  Here’s to healing the body and the mind in the new year.