I woke up this morning simply starving (not really, but extremely hungry). I walked into my very blessed kitchen to find absolutely nothing to eat. My stomach was really unhappy.

Oh I had food, just nothing that I could eat instantly. I could made eggs and toast, oatmeal, a smoothie or any number of other delicious dishes. But I would have had to make something. Since the Covid lockdown, I have started making my own dishes.

We used to eat out a lot. Or I would by something premade at the grocery store. Now I invest (money and health) in ingredients and not convenience.

We have made the commitment to not eat out and to eat more wholesome homemade meals. It has been life changing for our health and for our wallets. The amount we used to spending eating out, literally, makes me ill. Now I know why we were always broke and I was always sick.

But what about this morning. I’m low on energy and frankly patience. As I sit here pondering my options (in which time I could have made something already), I think about life in general.

My younger days were spent filling the never-ending hunger I felt inside. I fed myself lots of stuff that I could not afford, I feed myself alcohol and I feed myself with quick, easy and unhealthy food. The problem with all these things and many other self-medications is that the hunger never gets satisfied.

I was seriously addicted to food as a way to comfort myself. As I was eating an entire box of some unhealthy fare, I was thinking about when I would be able to do it again. So even as I was self-medicating I was already looking for the next time. Alcohol and smoking were the same. Always left unsatisfied and wanting more.

Buying things seemed like a safer way to feel better until the bills came that I could not afford. Then came the years of trying to outrun the wolves at the door. Shuffling money around, buying more things, eating more and secretly and drinking more. This went on for years and years. And I was still hungry.

I look back at those chaotic times and wonder how I ever got so far gone…so completely lost. My moral compass was broken, my inner bs was running the show and I was weak.

It took a complete life change to figure It out and years to implement. I was sick inside and out. I was so very tired. As John Mellencamp so eloquently put it, “life goes on..long after the thrill of living is gone.”

Today, although still a work in progress, I am centered more in my faith. God keeps me seeing what is really important. If you think that is a ridiculous concept, you are welcome to that opinion. But to me, it is not up for debate. I have thrown away many of the old crutches I used and am walking, albeit slowly, on my own. I’m working on myself.

I fell short a bit this week. That happens. We are all flawed. Life itself is flawed. But I’m just going to pick myself up, and try to be better today. That’s all I can do. Be a better person, for me there is no loftier cause.

As for today’s hunger, I won’t let it consume me. I’ll go to the kitchen and make an egg or two with some fresh veggies and that will nourish my body and my soul. Taking it slow and doing the right work is my fix today. It sure beats other addictions I live with.

I hope you find your truth and your peace today. I hope it’s not found in things but inside of you.

As you may know from reading my blog, I have struggled with being bi-polar and with OCD. My younger years were brutal. Age and knowledge have helped me deal better with these things.

I hated the manic times, as they were the worst. My brain was always in the mode of finding something to make me feel better. I just wanted to feel better. My energy levels were unusually high during these periods of time. I would overextend myself thinking that I had found the cure for what was wrong…something that had no name at that time. I knew about depression as I had been dealing with that since my youth. The manic part, I used to think, was when I thought I was better. How foolish one can be in their ignorance.

During the manic times, I could not stop talking. I was, in retrospect, thinking out loud and hoping for the approval I was desperately seeking. Silence was the enemy during those times. Looking back, I cannot imagine how annoying it must have been to hear my constant ramblings. To hear about my newest plan to get better. But I could not be quiet.

I regret the alienation I caused from friends and family. I thought I was upbeat and clever. I had no filter whatsoever at the time. Any thought that entered my mind, no matter the randomness, it came flying out of my mouth. I was trying so hard to be normal but without a roadmap showing what normal was.

When I started this blog I thought the physical trip I was going to take was my epic journey. I could not have been so incorrect. The trip facilitated the real journey but it was not the actual path to what I was looking for…wellness, peace and forgiveness where the milestones I so desperately sought.

Completely leaving behind my old life, as I look back, may have been a bit of overkill. But I think I needed a full-on exorcism of the old. I, no matter what I tried, could not unbound myself from my past and all that came with it. The constant roller coaster ride had taken its toll on me. If I had not been so drastic in my actions, I honestly do not know if I would have survived. It was dire there at the end.

The complete change gave way to the me I was looking for. I found that person on the road during a very difficult journey but one so full of blessings.

Age seems to be a factor also. Where I used to never be quiet now I use my new found love of silence to observe and analyze my surroundings. I can think one thought at a time without the constant battle of multiple thoughts vying for their place in my mind.

The saying is that silence is golden is an understatement for me. In a time where everyone feels compelled to speak their mind and make a stand on every single issue, I am enjoying my personal silence with the occasional written outburst.

Dealing with my lack of mental health has finally facilitated some peace and wellness. I had always that I knew what “crazy” looked like but I was wrong. I only needed to look in the mirror to see it.

My silence is healing me somehow. I still have my moments, but I am learning to love the quiet and the stillness.

If you feel like something is wrong, find someone you trust and get help. So many people suffer alone. This is not the time for silence. Get help. Feeling better is so much better than feeling bad. Help is out there!