I find myself saying “I just want to go home” a lot. Sometimes I am even home when I say it, which is really odd.
I have always believed that where my husband and I are is home. It’s been our car, motel rooms, a house and apartments. As long as we are together, that place is home.
This is different. I find myself longing for a place that I don’t believe I have ever seen. A place that calls my name but that I cannot find. Even when I had a house, I somehow felt slightly homeless. Like I wasn’t in the right place.
I do not believe this feeling stems from a physical location as much as it is a mindful place. An ethereal place. Not tangible.
I read an article, written by someone who probably has no specific credentials, that we all long for a place that harbored us in past lives. I do not, personally, believe that theory but it made me think.
What if this allusive place is Heaven. That I do believe. You may not but I strongly do. I think that as we get older, life gets harder and we long for carefreeness. I think back on some of those carefree days of old. My anxiety didn’t allow for many of those, but there were some.
Youth allows for a laziness (in a good way) that is harder to grasp as the years pass. And that mysterious homesick feeling gets stronger with age. I have this feeling inside that I cannot reconcile. I simply do not know what it is. I know I just want to go home.
This world ain’t great at offering lasting security. We all know that things can change in an instant. That fact has always weighed heavy on me. I lived in fear of that unknown, unforeseen possibility always. I didn’t feel secure. So maybe that’s what I long for.
My husband used to travel a lot for work. He traveled internationally and was gone for weeks at a time. I remember being so happy when he got home and almost immediately filled with sadness that he would be leaving again soon. I didn’t even know when he next trip would happen, yet I feared it anyway.
I’m working at being healthier inside and out. I’m now exercising and eating right. I try to keep the anxiety at bay but I still have a veil over me.
I guess there isn’t always an answer to be had. I guess there are deeply fundamental ideals that are not grounded in things we can see or touch. I may never know truly what this yearning is. Not in this life anyway.
So in the meantime, I will try to be present where I am at, no matter where it is. I do think someday the curtain will draw back and all will be revealed. Until then, this is home and I will relish it.