Author: 360degreechange

Some say life is a journey and that is what I am on. I am tired of sitting in a cube all day, I want to feel the breeze on my face, not air conditioning; I want to move, not sit at a desk; I want my efforts to make a difference, not do redundant tasks all day long. That is my journey...can you live well (expectations to change) and still be true to yourself? Here's to jumping out of the frying pan and directly into the fire!!

By Another Name by Lois Hewitt

We have all experienced words spoken in hushed tones, as if not saying them too loud is somehow better…

She is such a slut.

So sad that’s he’s a junkie. Or she is such a lush.

She’s just a _______ (fill in the blank)..woman, secretary, mom, housewife…what could she know?

He’s a Christian, you know how they are.

She is such a bitch!

I hear he is gay!

She lives over there, she can’t be any good.

Some of these things have been said about me, some even worse. You have heard a few yourself, I am sure.

Labels. In this enlightened age, we still rely on putting labels on people.

I have done it many times myself. The older I get the more useless labels become. I could be wrong but I think labels make us feel better about ourselves. I may be this but, at least, I’m not THAT!

Self-worth, or lack of, is the keeper of labels. When you look in the mirror and hate what you see, you desperately try to find something to feel better about…usually by way of another person. It’s so easy to pass judgement and place a label on someone. You may feel better for a moment, but it doesn’t last. Then you need another fix. Soon it is hard not to talk about someone else.

Some labels are accurate and can be a good thing. They are brilliant, a great artist, an amazing chef and the like. But even those labels do not embody the entire person. Humans have the ability to have multiple layers and intricacies. Humans are seldom entirely the make up of one label.

When you look at a person and only see one label, you are missing the big picture. Our behaviors stem from our experiences. What happens to us or by our own hands, are the things that shape us.

I’m reading a lot about addiction. I used to think one way about it. I passed judgement about it, especially since I was hiding my own addictions. I saw just an addict and that is all I saw. Now I know that there is more to the story but also there is more to the person.

Sometimes in life things happen and they forever change your course. Your brain rewires itself to help you cope. Those experiences cast a hue over everything that comes after. Many times pain or loss are involved and feeling better is all you can think about. But that does not negate the other aspects of your life.

You may be hurting but you still help a homeless person or you paint a beautiful picture or write an inspirational song or take a dramatic photograph or any number of things. That’s why labels are so damaging. They usually focus on the bad with no regard to the good.

I do not allow myself to use labels anymore. I still do but I am fighting the urge. Seeing a person’s entirety is now more important to me than what someone else thinks of me. Once I stopped caring about what “they” think of me, the less important labels became. I used to label myself and quite honestly those were the worst labels I can think of. And I used labels on others to feel better. No more.

I see it everyday in life now. People are so angry and upset. It becomes more difficult to care about others because your pain and fear are so great. As labels are placed on others so is does the fact that it is now easier to discount that person. They become a non-entity. Cast them aside. When we do, we lose a small bit of our humanity and pretty soon there is not much left.

The words and labels that are written behind the security of a computer screen are devastating. The things we say to each other, to people we have never met. It’s heartbreaking. As in an abuse situation, after a while you start to believe those words.

Labels are angry words said with the intent of causing harm. It’s easy to think they are harmless, especially the ones we speak in hushed tones. But those labels have the ability to manifest themselves into a horrible, never-ending scenarios. Telling someone that they are only one thing opens the door to making that a reality. Tell an alcoholic that’s all they will ever be and many times that is the reality that becomes truth.

I am, personally, going to try to give up placing labels on others as I heal myself from those placed on me. I, truthfully, have lost some of my humanity over the years. The words said to me hurt as did the ones I spoke. Words cannot be taken back that’s why we all need to talk less and listen more. That girl everyone calls loose has a story as does the man who who drinks everyday.

No more labels. No more judgements. No more harsh words said in anger. My self worth is no longer contingent on someone else. I do not know if this will make any impact at all in life as a whole but I’m going to try.

The Mirror by Lois Hewitt

I have started a new, actually good habit, of walking during my lunch break. I just circle the parking lot but at least it is a nice parking lot. Trees, a creek and railroad tracks with an occasional train surround the space. The sun peeks through the trees, the sound of the creek running and cute little woodland animals really make it pleasurable.

In my one ear I am listening to a specific playlist I developed just for my walks. Alice in Chains, AC/DC and the like help keep my energy up. I leave the other earbud out so I can hear the nature and cars that come up behind me.

Yesterday I was walking in the newly cool fall weather. A light rain falling on my face, which felt so good. The music pumping directly into my brain. Everything looked and felt like a Tarantino movie. You know the scenes with just the right music and life has a certain look. I even felt like time slowed and my pace looked like slow motion.

I was feeling pretty groovy and a bit hip. The breeze was blowing ever so lightly and I imagined my hair moving to the breeze. My step was brisk and well timed. It was glorious.

When my break was over I energetically walked up the stairs to my office and took a turn to the restroom to check the state of my rain touched hair. I was unprepared for the horror I saw there.

The automatic light turned on as I entered the room, a reflection appeared in the mirror. Gone was that groovy girl with the wind blowing in her hair. Replaced by an old woman with dark circles beneath tired, dull eyes. The dewy skin I envisioned was actually pale and dry and a little lifeless.

Who is that I thought? The person I was a few minutes ago seemed to have disappeared or, even worse, never existed. When I am away from the mirror for any amount of time, I seem to indulge in some fantasy and exclude reality. I think myself younger than I am. I forget my almost 60 years that are under my ever expanding belt.

I never minded growing older. I figured the older I got, the wiser I would become. That part is true. But life, no matter who you are, is difficult. Full of loss, pain, and difficulties as well as laughter and joy. All of which seem to have ended up on my face.

I love the wise aspect of aging but am not relishing the constant look of exhaustion. I don’t even mind the lines as they are proof I lived a life. But the hard reality of no longer being youthful looking hit me yesterday.

Never a beauty queen, I get that. But youth has a certain glow. Tired and youthful looks different than tired and old. Funny how our brains picture a false reality that does not match up with actual reality.

Oh that dammed mirror. Always reflecting all, even the things I do not want to see. To be fair, a mirror once saved my life. After living a reckless lifestyle for a time, I remember looking in a mirror to hollow and dead eyes. I remember thinking I can no longer look at myself. Things I was doing and the way I was living was not authentic to me. I realized in that moment I had to change. I had to get on the right path.

It took some time, a lot of regrets and some hard choices but I was finally able to look into those eyes once more. I knew then that I had changed for good. Today that is still my litmus test, will I be able to look myself in the eye?

So I guess that bathroom mirror isn’t such a bad thing. The reflection might not be exactly what I was hoping to see but at least the image is honest and authentic. No more could I ask for.

I Am by Lois Hewitt

I am…

Broken and flawed

Socially awkward

Fearful and often unsure

Obsessive and compulsive

Over thinking in every situation

Really bad with money, really bad

Self-centered as a way of self-protection

Full of doubts, confusion and contradictions

Not always great at decision making

I am also

Trying to heal

Trying to be better

Trying to help others

Trying to be the person I know I am…

The paths I have chosen went through the darkest of places and to the highest mountain tops. I have cried until there were no more tears and laughed until I could not breathe. I have hated and I have loved.

My story is not unique. Many have lived it in variations on the major themes but when all is said, this is my journey. My life. This is who I am…scars, bruises and all.

In my youth, I tried to be someone else. I tried to hide and reshape who I was. I hated myself and the things I had done. In my older age, I no longer have the energy to hide, pretend or second guess. Today I realized that this is who I am.

You can always try to be better but the core of you is you. No amount of polish or decoration can change that.

So today I accept who I am with love and gratitude. Today I will look for the finery. Today I will embrace all that is wrong with me and realize my uniqueness.

Today, I am…

Good by Lois Hewitt

Most of my life so far has consisted of sugar, fat and loads of preservatives. I always considered eating right as being boring, expensive and restrictive. That is, of course, until my body could no longer survive under these conditions and started to break down.

My body had been whispering to me for years to start rethinking food and I chose to ignore it. I loved sweets, fried food and basic garbage food and stubbornly refused to change.

While doing this I would wake up every morning feeling like I had not slept at all. I had to think about everything I did during a day and planned activities (like walking from the car to the grocery store, yes that was an activity for me) according to current energy levels which we always near empty.

I became easier to just sit, eat, drink and smoke. Of course the more I lived like that, the less I could do. Add a heaping serving of depression and anxiety and it is, truly, no wonder I didn’t have a heart attack.

Then along came Covid. I ended up ill from something else during the lockdown and when my legs were too weak to hold up my own weight, the voice inside went from whispering to yelling for change.

Since I could do barely anything else I started researching healthy diets. Not the ones where you need all sorts of special ingredients, but rather eating simple and fresh foods cooked properly. I started off slowly and with each change, no matter the size, I started to actually feel better. I wanted more!

Then I started to cut out unhealthy foods. I then added new tastes, textures and spices. I learned to make things by hand whenever possible so that I could control what I was eating. I learned ways to cut costs and not quality. I learned about planning meals and shopping as well as prep ideas. Now I’m obsessed with going further.

Food and all that goes with it has become my new obsession. A quite unexpected by product of this has been my new found joy in walking and doing some exercise–that was NEVER me.

I never understood good tasting food as my taste buds were perverted by all the sugar I consumed. Once I got away from that I started to crave healthy foods and certain spices. I lost my taste for meat and fried foods. Eating out used to be, basically, my only hobby. Now I want to cook or bake all my own food.

It certainly was easier when I wasn’t working and I feared that I would go back to my old ways when I went back to work. Truthfully, I fell off the vegetable cart a few times but now I think more critically. I made decisions not based on laziness but on good and solid options.

My life has literally changed completely. I still struggle with depression and a few physical problems but I cannot believe the difference. God gave us food to nourish and to heal. Yet we like and crave food which does neither. We have to be mindful (I’m sorry, such an overused word but fits in this context) of how we live. Where and how we buy our products, the best way to consume and store our food and how to quit making excuses for bad behavior.

I do not want to go back. That once beautiful, frosted, shimmering glazed donut now looks like not feeling good, becoming bloated and hurting my health. The “reward” of the taste is no where worth the risk. Never would I have thought this could be me.

Today I thank God for all the small local farms that are raising healthy nutritious food. That are fighting the big farms that only care about making money. I thank Him that organic foods are not just something you find once in a while. Not buying junk food has allowed me to afford more organic foods. I thank God for all the sources out there where, if you are willing, you can find recipes and tutorials for cooking for free.

A lot of things are going wrong in today’s world. I have learned to enjoy cooking and cleaning as my therapy and meditation. It used to be a chore I felt oppressed by, now I love the process and the final product of something cooked with love and care.

Today I hope you find that thing that feeds your soul and if it feeds the body too, all the better. I’m off to make a curry! Enjoy this day!

Words by Lois Hewitt

Words, they can comfort, encourage, teach, show love and caring. One kind word can overcome a hundred harsh words. Words can change a life.

I love words. I love to put them together in all kinds of ways. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. But I love them just the same.

I once had someone in my life that used words to control me and belittle me. Those words stayed with me for years. I used to be careless in my own use of words as I did not know the power they held. Thoughtless words thrown about carelessly can do as much damage as a physical attack on someone…perhaps even with more lasting damage.

As I grew older and started to write more as a way to heal myself, I learned the value of words as well as the value when not to use any. That last lesson took a lot longer to learn. Words, to me now, are sacred. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to be pompous. My vocabulary today is still not as developed as I would like and is heavily peppered with profanity. Very Oscar Wilde!

I am saddened by the lack of reverence for words and the effect they can have on others. I understand fully how easy it is to use degrading and hurtful words from behind the curtain of anonimity. The words I read, not even directed at me personally, on line shocks even my sensibilities.

I do not remember much of my years in high school. Pot fog, regret and bad memories have erased those years. I do remember my English teacher from high school (I never mention anyone without their consent so that is why I have not named her). She was a beautiful woman. How I envied her beauty and grace. She introduced me to reading and, ultimately, started my love affair with words.

It has gotten so easy to just blurt out anything that pops into our heads. I used to be the biggest offender of that verbal crime. Now I see the errors of my way.

One of my favorites lines in the show Longmire is when Vic turns to Walt and asks Whatcha doing? Walt hesitates for a moment and says “Thinking. I do that sometimes before I speak.” I hope I wrote that correctly. But you get the idea. It was brilliant and how I gauge my speech now.

Today’s world moves so fast and if you tend to contemplate your words too long you may not get a chance to speak at all. That’s why I love to write. I can say my peace and you can read it or not at your leisure. What a beautiful thing.

I hope there is a shift back to pausing before words are used. I hope that more thought goes into their execution and considerations are made for the end results of words used. Then a shift in the nastiness will be made.

As we get used to a slight lowering of verbal expectations, let’s push back a little bit and remember how powerful the written and spoken words are. They truly carry with them an ultimate power that should not be misused. We take for granted the power of an automobile and the damage it can do if it is not properly respected. The same with words. They can be a blessing or a curse. How will you use yours?

Platitudes, No More by Lois Hewitt

I used to be the self-crowned queen of platitudes. I, as with most people, spewed them with only the best of intentions. I wanted to be helpful. It wasn’t until I actually experienced them did I start to wonder.

In my 20s and 30s I tried desperately to get pregnant. In my mind, a child was going to save me from my depression and anxiety…not a healthy ideal I know.

I had, just a few years before, experienced an unplanned pregnancy that ended in an adoption. At that time, I could barely take take of myself let alone a child. Now I was more stable, married and ready to try motherhood.

Weeks went by, then months and then years and no baby. I begged God and made deals with Him to give me a child but to no avail. As the years passed, my mental state deteriorated. I was despondent.

During this time, loving and well-meaning friends told me I was thinking about it too much. That it would happen when I least expected it. It never did. I was told not to stress about it, it would just happen. It never did. Lots of platatudes filled with love filled me with anger and grief.

Not only was I living with my guilt and remorse (was I being punished for my earlier sins?) but I was living with something I could not control. That manifested in overwhelming OCD which I dealt with before but took on a life of its own.

All around me I only saw pregnant women and babies. I wanted to join the club so badly, to do it right this time, but I was denied admission to that club.

All around me I heard it would happen. I finally accepted that sometimes things just do not work out. That is when I started to rethink my personal policy on giving freely platatudes in situations I knew nothing about.

How could I tell someone that a child lost was in a better place? Or that a medical situation will always get better…or any other number of circumstances. Sometimes life is pain and no amount of flowery words will take the pain away. I’m sorry but that’s a reality.

When someone wishes you a good day, most people mean it. I am not against the kind words spoken that are said in a way to try to brighten ones day. But when someone is in pain, a platitude can minimize said pain. Telling me to just wait, it will happened, made my grief feel unvalued.

Now I either say nothing or offer my sincerest help if needed. Just listening can bring more comfort than a string of pretty words.

Please do not misunderstand me, I love comforting words. I love inspiring words. I pray for a return to graciousness and civility. I’m speaking of those moments in one’s life when pain and grief and fear have veiled them. My grief was so much at one time, my words to others seemed hollow. I could only see my pain and felt as if it was marginalized. I cannot do that to others.

So for today I will be more conscious of those around me. I will think before I speak and will try to never demean a person’s experience no matter how unintentional.

So with that said, I wish you all a good day…and I really do mean it.

If you are in pain today, please find someone near you that you can talk to. You are NOT alone!

Lies and Untruths by Lois Hewitt

Words spoken as a lie are sweet to the ear. They ooze comfort because they are what we want to hear. I remember back in my youth, I so longed for someone to love me and sweep me off my feet…to carry me away from my depression and make everything better. For a time, I believed the lies I was told by those who wanted something from me. The possibility that what I was hearing were lies did not cross my mind until the lies were revealed. It did not take too long before I started to see those words for what they were. The feeling of being jaded washed over me followed by a crushing sadness.

Isn’t it easy to believe them? Isn’t it difficult to tell them? Lies and untruths are a bitter pill. We are surrounded by them today. Everyone screaming their truths, their version of the truth. Who is right and who is wrong? I got good at telling when I was being played by someone who had ulterior motives. The lie was easy to see once I stopped craving its sweetness. But today, the lies are not as easy to discern. In fact, some lies are not even sweet to hear. It can be so confusing.

I believe in the spiritual gift of discernment. That feeling in your gut that just doesn’t feel right when a lie is being told. The uneasy feeling you get when something doesn’t seem to fit. That is a gift we have inside us, but it has to be cultivated. You have to work at it in order for it to work. I feel I am pretty keen these days, but I have still been wrong. Mostly on the other side, I may be a little too suspicious. Better safe than sorry, I guess.

This is a perfect example of the confusion of today’s world. For example, I believe that the Bible sets my moral compass. Believe me, I lived using my own moral compass and that ended very poorly. I find comfort in the words written and images that play in my head. I believe it to be truth. Now the other side of the story is that a whole lot of people think those words to be bunk, lies, untruths. I will not sway from my beliefs, but neither will they. We live in a world that is turned around. I believe I am right, they believe they are right and there are others who have completely different opinions who believe they are right.

There are a lot of people who make a lot of money twisting the words of the Bible, twisting truths, making their own assumptions. How is a person, who just wants to do the right thing, supposed to know which way to turn? I wish I had an answer. The saying “perception is reality” has never been truer. What I perceive is different than what you are seeing.

What about facts? There are always experts on both sides now, telling us what we want to hear. Someone has to be wrong, but the reality is harder to find, harder to see. Facts are being twisted into lies and untruths under the umbrella of ultimate truth. That umbrella covers us all, but the rain still soaks us because there are holes in it, it is flawed.

How can one tell when an act or words spoken are unencumbered by expectations and/or ulterior motives? Not every good act requires some sort of return on investment, not every act or word spoken carries its own baggage, yet so many do and that is where the confusion really takes hold.

So as I type my ramblings, I realize that we are all very different. Even those who believe what I do have different scopes of view. Is it any wonder we have a hard time getting along with each other in this world today? I guess we have to live with our own truths, eat the truth sandwiches that are of our own making. Nothing is a cut and dry as it used to be (maybe it never was), so all I ask is that we, as a society, try a little discernment. Words that fly into our ears with the softness of sugar-coated rose petals are not necessarily truth. Nor are the words spoken in anger, full of hate and malice. I have been trying to come up with a way to end this post, but there is no ending that is one size fits all. There is no big bow on this package. Truth is being lost in a forest of lies, and it is hard to see those lies up close.

The world we live in is a difficult one. I am praying for everyone (whether you want me to or not) that we learn new ways to deal with all the information and misinformation being thrown at us on a daily basis. All the newfound experts in every field, all the research conclusions, all the papers written and all the speeches spoken are muddying the waters. All I can say is be careful out there and stay true to yourself.

Hungry? By Lois Hewitt

I woke up this morning simply starving (not really, but extremely hungry). I walked into my very blessed kitchen to find absolutely nothing to eat. My stomach was really unhappy.

Oh I had food, just nothing that I could eat instantly. I could made eggs and toast, oatmeal, a smoothie or any number of other delicious dishes. But I would have had to make something. Since the Covid lockdown, I have started making my own dishes.

We used to eat out a lot. Or I would by something premade at the grocery store. Now I invest (money and health) in ingredients and not convenience.

We have made the commitment to not eat out and to eat more wholesome homemade meals. It has been life changing for our health and for our wallets. The amount we used to spending eating out, literally, makes me ill. Now I know why we were always broke and I was always sick.

But what about this morning. I’m low on energy and frankly patience. As I sit here pondering my options (in which time I could have made something already), I think about life in general.

My younger days were spent filling the never-ending hunger I felt inside. I fed myself lots of stuff that I could not afford, I feed myself alcohol and I feed myself with quick, easy and unhealthy food. The problem with all these things and many other self-medications is that the hunger never gets satisfied.

I was seriously addicted to food as a way to comfort myself. As I was eating an entire box of some unhealthy fare, I was thinking about when I would be able to do it again. So even as I was self-medicating I was already looking for the next time. Alcohol and smoking were the same. Always left unsatisfied and wanting more.

Buying things seemed like a safer way to feel better until the bills came that I could not afford. Then came the years of trying to outrun the wolves at the door. Shuffling money around, buying more things, eating more and secretly and drinking more. This went on for years and years. And I was still hungry.

I look back at those chaotic times and wonder how I ever got so far gone…so completely lost. My moral compass was broken, my inner bs was running the show and I was weak.

It took a complete life change to figure It out and years to implement. I was sick inside and out. I was so very tired. As John Mellencamp so eloquently put it, “life goes on..long after the thrill of living is gone.”

Today, although still a work in progress, I am centered more in my faith. God keeps me seeing what is really important. If you think that is a ridiculous concept, you are welcome to that opinion. But to me, it is not up for debate. I have thrown away many of the old crutches I used and am walking, albeit slowly, on my own. I’m working on myself.

I fell short a bit this week. That happens. We are all flawed. Life itself is flawed. But I’m just going to pick myself up, and try to be better today. That’s all I can do. Be a better person, for me there is no loftier cause.

As for today’s hunger, I won’t let it consume me. I’ll go to the kitchen and make an egg or two with some fresh veggies and that will nourish my body and my soul. Taking it slow and doing the right work is my fix today. It sure beats other addictions I live with.

I hope you find your truth and your peace today. I hope it’s not found in things but inside of you.

Silence by Lois Hewitt

As you may know from reading my blog, I have struggled with being bi-polar and with OCD. My younger years were brutal. Age and knowledge have helped me deal better with these things.

I hated the manic times, as they were the worst. My brain was always in the mode of finding something to make me feel better. I just wanted to feel better. My energy levels were unusually high during these periods of time. I would overextend myself thinking that I had found the cure for what was wrong…something that had no name at that time. I knew about depression as I had been dealing with that since my youth. The manic part, I used to think, was when I thought I was better. How foolish one can be in their ignorance.

During the manic times, I could not stop talking. I was, in retrospect, thinking out loud and hoping for the approval I was desperately seeking. Silence was the enemy during those times. Looking back, I cannot imagine how annoying it must have been to hear my constant ramblings. To hear about my newest plan to get better. But I could not be quiet.

I regret the alienation I caused from friends and family. I thought I was upbeat and clever. I had no filter whatsoever at the time. Any thought that entered my mind, no matter the randomness, it came flying out of my mouth. I was trying so hard to be normal but without a roadmap showing what normal was.

When I started this blog I thought the physical trip I was going to take was my epic journey. I could not have been so incorrect. The trip facilitated the real journey but it was not the actual path to what I was looking for…wellness, peace and forgiveness where the milestones I so desperately sought.

Completely leaving behind my old life, as I look back, may have been a bit of overkill. But I think I needed a full-on exorcism of the old. I, no matter what I tried, could not unbound myself from my past and all that came with it. The constant roller coaster ride had taken its toll on me. If I had not been so drastic in my actions, I honestly do not know if I would have survived. It was dire there at the end.

The complete change gave way to the me I was looking for. I found that person on the road during a very difficult journey but one so full of blessings.

Age seems to be a factor also. Where I used to never be quiet now I use my new found love of silence to observe and analyze my surroundings. I can think one thought at a time without the constant battle of multiple thoughts vying for their place in my mind.

The saying is that silence is golden is an understatement for me. In a time where everyone feels compelled to speak their mind and make a stand on every single issue, I am enjoying my personal silence with the occasional written outburst.

Dealing with my lack of mental health has finally facilitated some peace and wellness. I had always that I knew what “crazy” looked like but I was wrong. I only needed to look in the mirror to see it.

My silence is healing me somehow. I still have my moments, but I am learning to love the quiet and the stillness.

If you feel like something is wrong, find someone you trust and get help. So many people suffer alone. This is not the time for silence. Get help. Feeling better is so much better than feeling bad. Help is out there!

Going Home by Lois Hewitt

I find myself saying “I just want to go home” a lot. Sometimes I am even home when I say it, which is really odd.

I have always believed that where my husband and I are is home. It’s been our car, motel rooms, a house and apartments. As long as we are together, that place is home.

This is different. I find myself longing for a place that I don’t believe I have ever seen. A place that calls my name but that I cannot find. Even when I had a house, I somehow felt slightly homeless. Like I wasn’t in the right place.

I do not believe this feeling stems from a physical location as much as it is a mindful place. An ethereal place. Not tangible.

I read an article, written by someone who probably has no specific credentials, that we all long for a place that harbored us in past lives. I do not, personally, believe that theory but it made me think.

What if this allusive place is Heaven. That I do believe. You may not but I strongly do. I think that as we get older, life gets harder and we long for carefreeness. I think back on some of those carefree days of old. My anxiety didn’t allow for many of those, but there were some.

Youth allows for a laziness (in a good way) that is harder to grasp as the years pass. And that mysterious homesick feeling gets stronger with age. I have this feeling inside that I cannot reconcile. I simply do not know what it is. I know I just want to go home.

This world ain’t great at offering lasting security. We all know that things can change in an instant. That fact has always weighed heavy on me. I lived in fear of that unknown, unforeseen possibility always. I didn’t feel secure. So maybe that’s what I long for.

My husband used to travel a lot for work. He traveled internationally and was gone for weeks at a time. I remember being so happy when he got home and almost immediately filled with sadness that he would be leaving again soon. I didn’t even know when he next trip would happen, yet I feared it anyway.

I’m working at being healthier inside and out. I’m now exercising and eating right. I try to keep the anxiety at bay but I still have a veil over me.

I guess there isn’t always an answer to be had. I guess there are deeply fundamental ideals that are not grounded in things we can see or touch. I may never know truly what this yearning is. Not in this life anyway.

So in the meantime, I will try to be present where I am at, no matter where it is. I do think someday the curtain will draw back and all will be revealed. Until then, this is home and I will relish it.