The other day I was emailing my sister about the things going on in my life.  She is my best cheerleader; she picks me up when I fall, she encourages me when I am down, and helps me think clear when my mind is cloudy.  This particular day I as down more than my usual amount and she encouraged me.  Then she said that she was a glass half full person.  I have heard that saying so many times, but I never really thought about what it meant.

What does that mean?  In her case, I believe, it means that as long as there is something in the glass she still has hope and blessings in her life.  She does see the positive in life.

So in the reverse, I suppose, it would mean that if your glass was half empty that you feel that you are lacking in something, in need of whatever was in the glass even though there is still some remaining.

I got to thinking about a glass of iced tea (my favorite!).  The glass comes to me full and after I take my first sip I worry when am I going to get more.  The glass isn’t even half empty yet and I am already ruminating about running out. I can no longer enjoy the tea because I am worrying about it. The same is true with Oreo’s.  I eat the first one and I feel the need to get a new package for when the first package is gone.  How messed up is that?!?  It is almost like hoarding, but not quite.  I do not want to keep the tea or the Oreo’s indefinitely.  I want to consume them but I want to be sure I have more for the next time.

So, the half-full, half-empty scenario does not seem to work for me.  I do not want lots of things, but the things that I do want I tend to want in overflow mode.  Then comes the time I have had my fill of Oreo’s and I move on to PopTarts or some other thing.  Then the cycle starts all over again.

After much thought, I do not think I really want the Oreo’s, but I want the comfort they provide.  I want to hoard comfort.  I realize that I am so afraid of losing the few things that give me comfort that I am in a constant state of anxiety trying to be comforted.  I know it makes no sense.  I think that is why the epic journey did not work as well as I had hoped because I could not live in the moment.  I had to be on the look out for my next comforting moment.

When I speak of comfort I do not necessarily mean a posh bed with a down comforter.  I mean the intangible feeling of being safe and secure; having my own space where I can just be.  I had a hard time finding that on the road.  Devi became my comfort zone as she represented a space that was mine, and even today she is that to me.

I feel I am in constant anxiety mode worrying that my comfort zone will be gone or that I will have to find a new one, so I am always looking.  I am never enjoying today because tomorrow I may be out of Oreo’s.  It is no wonder I am never happy or content, I am always on the edge of the cliff.

That explains a lot.  Now, how do I fix it?  Do I give up Oreo’s all together and learn to live without them?  I have written in the past wondering how important a comfort zone really is and I am still struggling with that ideal.  I need to start living in the moment, but I honestly do not know how.  I should be able to eat the Oreo’s and not worry about getting more.  I should be able to eat them and move onto HoHo’s or whatever that particular day offers me.  Each day is different and I think I look to the Oreo’s to be the consistent thing, the comfort, in my life.

I have to learn that, as the saying goes, it is the journey not the destination that is what makes life worth living.  I have been fighting the journey all the time saying that the journey is all I want in life.  I have been afraid; afraid of change, afraid of discomfort, afraid of everything.  Now it is time for me to wipe all that away and live today without worrying about the Oreo’s for tomorrow.  For tomorrow there will either by Oreo’s or maybe even something better.  I cannot hold on so tightly to an ideal that I cannot live my life.

I spent many years  barely able to leave the house without extreme terror.  I was literally afraid of everything and everyone.  I was miserable. I finally learned to step out of it, but not completely.  I must have held onto some of that fear as it has resurfaced.  The comfort I thought I felt being in that house and not being able to go out actually turned into a prison rather than a place of comfort.  I am starting to do that again without the house part.  I have no real place to hide and it is freaking me out.

Understanding the problem is the first step to recovering from it.  Maybe now I can start working on weaning myself off of the Oreo’s and enjoying the things going on around me instead of worrying about tomorrow.  I want to be a glass half full person.  I want to see the possibilities and not the reasons it will not work.  I am going to start enjoying the moment and forget about tomorrow.  As it has been said, tomorrow is not guaranteed anyway.  Why ruin today because I have to plan out tomorrow?

I am sure this is going to be easier said then done, but now I understand the Oreo’s in my life and I think I can make some changes.

Here is to the people in your life who are your cheerleaders…we all need them and I hope to “get well enough” to be that for someone else.  Those people are the ones that create the change in life.  Thank you to Rita for being my cheerleader.