Hello, I’m back. I thought that maybe I would quit blogging. After all it is going by the way of newspapers and phone booths. I’m not interested in video so this blog will remain my voice. I truly appreciate everyone who has ever read a word I have written.
I have a topic on my heart. It’s not a pretty one but I think it needs a discussion. I have spent my life either in manic mode or depressed mode. I think today they call it bi-polar. I lived with this since I was young.
The problem with living with this is that it is assumed that you are lazy, that you can never finish anything and that you are just flaky. When in reality, I know now, you are so hopeless and scared and sick that you cannot do the basic things in life. Taking a shower was a major event. It was one of the hardest things to do.
Cleaning house was crazy in manic mode. The OCD would kick in and I would run around to the point of exhaustion. In depressed mode, I could even get out of bed. One day, someone I cared about came into my home during a depressed time, looked around and told me that I lived like a pig. And asked what was wrong with me. Those words stabbed me worse than any derogatory comment made about me.
I wondered too what was wrong with me. I saw other people dealing with life and yet I was unable to feel enough of anything to get moving.
The manic stages were actually worse for me. I would not be able to control my impulses. I would sign up for classes, start volunteering, buy hundreds of dollars of craft supplies, and generally fill every waking moment with a project. Then the crash would come. I always thought I was getting sick. But actually I just crashed into depressed mode. All the things I signed up for only got part way done before I quit.
I felt worthless because I could never finish anything. I could hardly do the bare minimum. It was a constant cycle all my life. With no words for what I was going through, I just felt worthless, lazy and insane.
Fast forward to now and I understand what was happening. My brain is not wired right. Today I know my triggers, I know what my mind is thinking and I can fairly successfully navigate through the darkness of my mental situation.
It’s funny I’ve been healing for several years now and I still have bad days but not as many. But I was just now doing dishes and I heard the voice in my head say “you live like a pig. What is wrong with you?”
I was devastated all over again. There are tears in my eyes from the pain of a wound that just will not heal. I have to heal that wound if I ever expect to keep getting better.
So why am I writing about this? No one, including me, knew I was in trouble. I had no words to verbilize what was happening. I silently suffered while I continually tried to do better and tried to be better. But it did not work until I learned what was happening.
If you are suffering silently, please talk to someone who can help. Don’t listen to the negative words that cut like a razor. Become an advocate for your own health and do not stop until you find the help you need.
It can get better, I promise. Please take care of yourself. Thank you for indulging me with this post. It felt important. You are important. Please please believe that!!