Self-awareness

Do Not Stop Daydreaming!!
This is not my design, but I am respectfully using it in my blog...oh how it fits perfectly!!

This is not my design, but I am respectfully using it in my blog…oh how it fits perfectly!!

Today…I am three days from launch. In three days, I will start my Epic Journey. As I sit here, I know I have not done enough to prepare, I know I am going to be forgetting something, I am seriously starting to wonder if I can do this and I am crying at every post on Facebook. What a mess I am!! I guess, though, that is a normal way for someone like me (shy and timid) to act before doing something so absolutely crazy.

I was thinking…I used to daydream of driving on the open road, never had a destination in mind, just driving with the radio blaring and the wind in my hair. Then life hit and the responsibilities started. My daydreams then became filled with things I forgot to do at work, or when I would fit a load of laundry into my schedule. As the years passed, more and more I forgot how to daydream.

One day, not too long ago, I realized that something was missing in my life. I realized that the lazy Saturday afternoons of reading a book by an open window with a slight breeze blowing had gone. I cannot remember the last time I even read a book for pleasure. After a crazy day at work, if no one was home, I used to turn up the radio loud and pretend I was on stage singing (badly, of course); that has not happened in ages. When I was down, I used to bake a batch of chocolate chip cookies and pretend that I was a kid again and that my mom made them for me like she did so many times before her passing. Sound weird? Maybe, but these were all things I did to comfort myself when I was sad and overwhelmed. Funny thing, the more sad and overwhelmed I got, the less I did these things.

Now I am at a point where I wonder if I can even let go of the responsibilities long enough to daydream again. I want this trip to turn me around and shake me up. I do not want to be the person I am now. I used to be, at least, somewhat optimistic, I used to laugh a lot more, I used to sit and think about things and now I only feel like a shell of a person with very infrequent bursts of happy. This has nothing to do with my outer life. I have an absolutely wonderful husband, great friends and family, a roof over my head, food on the table, etc. I know I am VERY blessed. This is more about the inner person, like a garden I forgot to water.

Just saying that out loud seems selfish and self-centered. That is not what I am trying to get to either. But I do not feel as if I am the person God wants me to be. I have let my past and my failures and all the negativity take away my sense of self and sense of purpose. It does sound like some babble from the 80s about “finding yourself.” It is hard to explain and yet I feel compelled to share my story in hopes that it helps just one person.

So it has become decision time…either continue on the road I was on that I can only see ending at a bitter, lonely life or make a drastic change. Keep getting angrier or finally find inner peace. Always be sick and tired or find health and vitality. Be negative all the time or feel blessed no matter what. Feel restless every single day or learn to be content in the now. These are the issues I am struggling with along with a few others. As the old saying goes…I sick and tired of being sick and tired. I need a change, I need to daydream again and I need to become a better person.

Over the years, I have gotten rid of many of my possessions. My things started to own me and I did not like that at all. Things were given away, thrown away or some were sold. I started with the things that meant the most to me because I knew it would hurt the most and it would also build the most character. Now I am down to just plain junk which no one wants. That is what I have to do inside myself; I have to get rid of the clutter and baggage that has accumulated over the years. I need a clean slate, a fresh start and a way to start over inside my own head. I am going to start by daydreaming again, go back to simpler times and enjoying the simpler things in life.

I have yet to see how the road changes me, but I think it will be an interesting ride.

Thank you for listening!!

Absence Does Not Mean Forgotten
This is not my design, but I am respectfully adding it to my blog.

This is not my design, but I am respectfully adding it to my blog.

I learned a very valuable lesson today and I wanted to pass it along. Just because you do not see someone all the time, it does not mean that you (or they) have been forgotten. Case in point: I am leaving in about six days to start my Epic Journey and my lovely and beautiful extended family organized a get-together to wish me well on the trip.

As a child, I attended many family reunions and always enjoyed seeing my Aunts, Uncles and Cousins. We would always have a good time and laughed a lot. There never was any drama and everyone always got along. There were no fights, like you hear happening so often.

Then life stepped in and things got complicated. People married, babies were born, jobs were taken, bills had to be paid and family reunions were put on the back burner due to everyday time constraints. I know this is just a process that happens to all families as priorities shift and free time becomes a premium. I did not see my extended family very often over the past years. Christmas cards and funerals seemed to be the common ground for a time.

Then the magic of Facebook reunited me with a couple of cousins, then more were friended. Then there was a forum that we found to re-connect and become involved in each other’s lives again. It was great. As my trip started to come to life, my lovely family stood behind me and offered their support. A group of us met today and even though many (many) years had passed; it was actually like no time had passed. We hugged and kissed and laughed and talked about everything. It was purely magical.

I realized on the way home, talking with Mike, that bonds that strong do not just simply go away. They continue, maybe dustier than before, but they stay strong. I have many friends from a past job that I have also kept in contact with and when we meet it is the same…like we still see each other every day.

Growing up, I loved and adored my older sister (I still do by the way). She was ten years older than me and she made the decision to go into the Air Force when she turned 17 (almost 18). She left home when I was young. She traveled the world and lived several places abroad. Her life was the life I lived vicariously through. I could never have done the things she did and her strength inspired me to believe I could take my trip now. The point is we have not seen each other a lot over the years, but yet when we talk or email (sometimes that is all we have time for), it is like we have never been apart. That is amazing to me the bonds humans have.

Today, I realize just how blessed I am to have family and friends who truly care about me and whom I care for in return. Time passes, but those bonds do not pass. Today we have unique opportunities for reconnecting and I now realize the value that those opportunities hold.   As my trip progresses, I want to keep in touch with my loved ones as I realize this trip is not just a solo journey as I originally thought, but a journey involving many more people than I ever imagined; some I have known all my life and some I have yet to meet. I get it now; I used to think if you did not see someone that they were out of your life. I could not have been more wrong. Minor pauses, if you will, are all the time apart is. Today I vow to turn off the pause button in my life and really start re-connecting with loved ones, friends, myself and God.

Thank you for listening!

Let Go and Let God — Easier Said Than Done
If only I could live these words...

If only I could live these words…

A strange phenomenon has begun in my life since I seriously started planning my Epic Journey. I have lost my ability to sleep through the night even with large shots of NyQuil, I bite my nails more than I ever did (nasty habit, I know), I am extremely anxious and overwhelmed. I started planning this trip to rid myself of these anxiety-related problems. Now I have them worse than before. My stress levels are through the roof.

As with many people, the last few years have been very stressful. That is nothing unique to me, everyone I know is stressed. But one day I decided to finally act on something I had been thinking about for many years and start planning my Epic Journey. I thought just knowing that my life needed some changes and that I was going to be proactive would be enough to counteract my then current stress levels. I was wrong.

Walking into the unknown sounds great and exciting in theory, but when you actually start to try to do it….it is downright scary. So I do research about places, I make list after list of things to do and to bring, I try to figure out every possible problem that can happen along the way, I try not to think of really bad things that could happen and I worry about finances. I do all this work and still feel like I have no idea what I am doing while the reasons for doing it get pushed to the back of the line.

I feel strongly that I am meant to take this trip and meant to take it now. It has been brewing in my head for over ten years and I never had the strength to really consider it before. Since the planning phase started so many things have happened (lost jobs, illness, and many other unforeseen complications) and sometimes I am weak and just want to give up, like the wimp I have been most of my life. The road gets rough and I simply crumple into a pile of sobbing waste of space (harsh, I know but brutally honest).

After yet another sleeplessness night last night, I came to a conclusion. I know what my problem is. I am the one trying to figure everything out, I am the one trying to meet all the needs of the trip and home when I should be praying more, listening more and giving it to God. I have always been the type of person who tries to work out my own problems and that, quite truthfully, has not been a very successful plan of attack most times.

The saying is “Let Go and Let God”. I am a Christian and have been one since I was 16 but I have no idea how to do that. I pray when I need help but mostly like God is a supernatural ATM. I read the Bible but am unsure how it fits into my life. I know, in my heart, God exists but I rely on myself more than Him. Which brings me to one component of this trip, I wanted to get away from all the daily distractions and find my spiritual center. I want to rely on Him and not just by saying words of comfort that I barely understand myself, but by becoming a better person and a stronger Christian. For me, I know that is lacking in my life.

As of today, I am going to try my best to Let Go and Let God. I realize now that I cannot do this thing called life on my own. I need help from above. My humanly efforts always fall short and I am in a constant state of disappointment because I am not Wonder Woman and cannot do all things myself.

If nothing else, my Epic Journey has already shed some light on the things I really need to change and I have not even left yet. I am looking forward to the other changes I encounter along the way. My mind is open to a new level of self-awareness but I also know now that a bigger picture view is necessary in order to create real, honest and lasting change. Here’s to the pain that comes from eye-opening experiences…may it make be a better person for myself and for the world!!

Off Topic…A Busy News Week
This is not my photograph, I am respectfully borrowing it for my post.

This is not my photograph, I am respectfully borrowing it for my post.

I try not to write about politics or religion because I am not that qualified in the subjects that I can speak intelligently. Also, I realize that my opinion is not the opinion of everyone and we have enough people who spout their opinions freely. But these last few weeks have me wanting to voice my opinion, this one time.

I am outraged about the hateful debate about the Confederate Flag. I abhor that this country allowed slavery; The Land of the Free should never have allowed that to happen. I believe most Americans feel the same way. I am truly sorry it happened, but is it not time to start looking at what is happening today? It is estimated in the United States alone there are up to 17,500 (number is probably higher) people sold into human trafficking a year. These horrific people sell children, women and men into what can only be considered slavery. The victims are forced to work inhumane hours as indentured servants or they are sold into a life so horrible that the average sex slave (for lack of a better word) is only expected to live for two years before they are completely used up or dead. Is that not more important than yelling the “F” word to each other about a flag?

Gay marriage was in the news a lot lately. With this particular debate always comes the debate of Christian versus everyone else. I am a Christian and I am proud of it. With that said, I know many more people who are not Christian than who are. We have agreed to disagree. They know where I stand and I know where they stand. In my small circle of friends, we work to try to live together in harmony and mutual respect.

We do live in a country that was founded on religious freedoms, so why are those freedoms being taken away daily. I believe that, and this assumes no one gets hurt, killed or maimed, you should be allowed to live religiously.   Wearing a bomb around your waist and walking into a mall should NEVER be a sign of religious freedom. I think we all agree on that. But if you follow the laws that dictate human decency and respect, you should be able to freely live out your religious beliefs. You should be able to do that without fear of some random person shooting up a church.

As for the people who do not have any particular religious affiliation, I understand that also. There was a time in my life when I was more like that. I understand and respect their choice, now they need to do the same for me. Taking away every single symbol and sign of Christianity does not seem respectful in any way. I cannot believe that the symbol of the Ten Commandments makes non-Christian people so uncomfortable that they require them to be removed from every public building. If the symbol makes you uncomfortable, simply walk past it. Why can’t we live with tolerance and respect?

On Facebook today, I saw a post of a dog defecating on a picture of the President of the United States of America. I do not happen to personally think our current President is doing right by the people of this country, but I still believe we, as the American people, should show a more respect than that. He is our leader and was voted in by the people of this country, not to mention he is still a human being.

With that being said, all the political fighting back and forth between them and us is not helping the American economy. That should be the focus of everyone in this country. More and more layoffs are being planned, small businesses are closing daily and many workers are underemployed and over worked. How many of us are still reeling from the downturn in 2008? Is not the economy more important to be dealing with then spewing hate toward our President?

Please do not get me wrong, I do not have the answers. I barely understand the questions, but it seems to me the media would rather have the American people look at all the things that offend us, instead of bringing us all together to make this a better, safer and more workable place to live. I am not silly enough to think we can have Utopia, which will never happen. Nirvana is only the name of a 90s grunge band. But we do not have to fight each other on every single platform. We do not need to hate each other because of skin color, economic status, job type, gender, religious beliefs or any other unimportant symbol of “status.”

We need to come together to make a world where our children can safely play outside again without fear of being taken or hurt, a place where people can work and contribute to the economy, where everyone has a sense of dignity and purpose, where you are free to worship without fear of being killed, a place where children can go to school to learn and not be bullied or abused in any way and a place where you are free to express yourself, non-violently, without the constant fear of offending someone.

We are all in this together and no one gets out alive, so why do we have to make the journey from birth to death even harder than it has to be with so much diversion and animosity? We need Common Sense, Basic Human Manners and Mutual Respect to come back, and we need it now.

Thank you for reading my rant. I am not trying to ruffle anyone’s feathers, but we all need to stop talking for a moment and think before we speak. We all need to think outside of our own little world, myself included, and see the bigger picture. We can all make a change if we quit fighting one another and show love and respect.

“Too much time on my hands, It’s ticking away with my sanity…” Written by Tommy Shaw (Styx)
The clock clicks ever slowly when one anticipates a major change.

The clock clicks ever slowly when one anticipates a major change.

A wise friend once told me that only boring people get bored. I always agreed with that statement until now, because right now I am so utterly bored and I do not believe it is because I am boring. I have been planning my Epic Journey on and off for approximately 37 years. I have wished and wanted for this trip, anything to get out of the rut my life so conveniently fit into right from the start.

During the last few months it looked like the dream might come true and planning began. The exhilaration from this trip finally happening has been amazing. Then one thing by another has tried to rain on the parade that is my journey; financial setbacks, illness, self-doubt…you name it. I am trying to stay positive, which is not in my nature. I always felt it was easier to be a pessimist and never be disappointed, then to be an optimist and always be disappointed. Let’s face it…life very rarely works out like you imagine it will. How many dreams have you had that have had to be re-thought, picked apart, or just plain forgotten? Me, I have had plenty.

Now I am less than a month from my projected “Launch Date” for my trip and I am still working out some things. There may be a slight delay, but it looks like it is still a “GO.” The problem now is the waiting to-go part. My new-found sense of adventure has taken over my ability to continue doing the mundane things in life like laundry, cooking, cleaning and dishes. I am so completely bored with it all. I could just scream. I know I have some romantic notion that everything having to do with my Epic Journey is going to somehow be exciting and new. That is totally unrealistic and I logically know it. But my heart is feeling something different.

I feel like I have too much time on my hands, yet I am still working, trying to sell off my gift shop inventory, preparing for the trip, trying to keep up with the minimum in housework and just get through each day. Please do not get me wrong, my life is not horrible. It has just been the absolute same for a long, long time. The same type of work, the same house, the same sort of life and I am ready for a change. The only thing I do not want to change is my husband, he is awesome; everything else is fair game to alter!

I suppose this is what a mid-life crisis feels like? I never dreamed that I would go through a mid-life crisis. That was always someone else’s issue. But here I am at almost 53 years old and I am ready for the epic change. I probably never mentioned that during this trip, I hope to find a new place for Mike and me to live.   We want, maybe, a Tiny Home or some sort of downsized lifestyle that will allow us to explore some dreams we have while we are still physically able (not too old).

I am banking on a lot of things to come out of this one journey. Maybe I am expecting too much. I am sure I am not thinking about the hours of monotonous driving during this trip, only concentrating on the fun and excitement. I have romanticized how fun it will actually be to sleep and live in the back of my SUV day after day. No, I am sure I am overthinking this trip and all I will walk away from it with. But this is my first intentional foray into optimism. I guess if that is where my mid-life crisis takes me, I could be doing worse.

As far as having too much time on my hands, I have decided that travel creates that feeling inside the traveler. For if it was not for the longing for change, no one would have ever left home. No discovery of new lands, no inquiries into other cultures, no new discoveries would have been discovered. Boredom, now as I see it, is the very reason for travel. My soul has reached its current level of mediocrity and it must now move on to another phase or chapter in order to remain. So for now, I will look at my boredom as a gift, the gift that is making this trip actually happen. I may have too much time on my hands right now, but it will not be that way for long.