If only I could live these words…

A strange phenomenon has begun in my life since I seriously started planning my Epic Journey. I have lost my ability to sleep through the night even with large shots of NyQuil, I bite my nails more than I ever did (nasty habit, I know), I am extremely anxious and overwhelmed. I started planning this trip to rid myself of these anxiety-related problems. Now I have them worse than before. My stress levels are through the roof.

As with many people, the last few years have been very stressful. That is nothing unique to me, everyone I know is stressed. But one day I decided to finally act on something I had been thinking about for many years and start planning my Epic Journey. I thought just knowing that my life needed some changes and that I was going to be proactive would be enough to counteract my then current stress levels. I was wrong.

Walking into the unknown sounds great and exciting in theory, but when you actually start to try to do it….it is downright scary. So I do research about places, I make list after list of things to do and to bring, I try to figure out every possible problem that can happen along the way, I try not to think of really bad things that could happen and I worry about finances. I do all this work and still feel like I have no idea what I am doing while the reasons for doing it get pushed to the back of the line.

I feel strongly that I am meant to take this trip and meant to take it now. It has been brewing in my head for over ten years and I never had the strength to really consider it before. Since the planning phase started so many things have happened (lost jobs, illness, and many other unforeseen complications) and sometimes I am weak and just want to give up, like the wimp I have been most of my life. The road gets rough and I simply crumple into a pile of sobbing waste of space (harsh, I know but brutally honest).

After yet another sleeplessness night last night, I came to a conclusion. I know what my problem is. I am the one trying to figure everything out, I am the one trying to meet all the needs of the trip and home when I should be praying more, listening more and giving it to God. I have always been the type of person who tries to work out my own problems and that, quite truthfully, has not been a very successful plan of attack most times.

The saying is “Let Go and Let God”. I am a Christian and have been one since I was 16 but I have no idea how to do that. I pray when I need help but mostly like God is a supernatural ATM. I read the Bible but am unsure how it fits into my life. I know, in my heart, God exists but I rely on myself more than Him. Which brings me to one component of this trip, I wanted to get away from all the daily distractions and find my spiritual center. I want to rely on Him and not just by saying words of comfort that I barely understand myself, but by becoming a better person and a stronger Christian. For me, I know that is lacking in my life.

As of today, I am going to try my best to Let Go and Let God. I realize now that I cannot do this thing called life on my own. I need help from above. My humanly efforts always fall short and I am in a constant state of disappointment because I am not Wonder Woman and cannot do all things myself.

If nothing else, my Epic Journey has already shed some light on the things I really need to change and I have not even left yet. I am looking forward to the other changes I encounter along the way. My mind is open to a new level of self-awareness but I also know now that a bigger picture view is necessary in order to create real, honest and lasting change. Here’s to the pain that comes from eye-opening experiences…may it make be a better person for myself and for the world!!