Today…I am three days from launch. In three days, I will start my Epic Journey. As I sit here, I know I have not done enough to prepare, I know I am going to be forgetting something, I am seriously starting to wonder if I can do this and I am crying at every post on Facebook. What a mess I am!! I guess, though, that is a normal way for someone like me (shy and timid) to act before doing something so absolutely crazy.
I was thinking…I used to daydream of driving on the open road, never had a destination in mind, just driving with the radio blaring and the wind in my hair. Then life hit and the responsibilities started. My daydreams then became filled with things I forgot to do at work, or when I would fit a load of laundry into my schedule. As the years passed, more and more I forgot how to daydream.
One day, not too long ago, I realized that something was missing in my life. I realized that the lazy Saturday afternoons of reading a book by an open window with a slight breeze blowing had gone. I cannot remember the last time I even read a book for pleasure. After a crazy day at work, if no one was home, I used to turn up the radio loud and pretend I was on stage singing (badly, of course); that has not happened in ages. When I was down, I used to bake a batch of chocolate chip cookies and pretend that I was a kid again and that my mom made them for me like she did so many times before her passing. Sound weird? Maybe, but these were all things I did to comfort myself when I was sad and overwhelmed. Funny thing, the more sad and overwhelmed I got, the less I did these things.
Now I am at a point where I wonder if I can even let go of the responsibilities long enough to daydream again. I want this trip to turn me around and shake me up. I do not want to be the person I am now. I used to be, at least, somewhat optimistic, I used to laugh a lot more, I used to sit and think about things and now I only feel like a shell of a person with very infrequent bursts of happy. This has nothing to do with my outer life. I have an absolutely wonderful husband, great friends and family, a roof over my head, food on the table, etc. I know I am VERY blessed. This is more about the inner person, like a garden I forgot to water.
Just saying that out loud seems selfish and self-centered. That is not what I am trying to get to either. But I do not feel as if I am the person God wants me to be. I have let my past and my failures and all the negativity take away my sense of self and sense of purpose. It does sound like some babble from the 80s about “finding yourself.” It is hard to explain and yet I feel compelled to share my story in hopes that it helps just one person.
So it has become decision time…either continue on the road I was on that I can only see ending at a bitter, lonely life or make a drastic change. Keep getting angrier or finally find inner peace. Always be sick and tired or find health and vitality. Be negative all the time or feel blessed no matter what. Feel restless every single day or learn to be content in the now. These are the issues I am struggling with along with a few others. As the old saying goes…I sick and tired of being sick and tired. I need a change, I need to daydream again and I need to become a better person.
Over the years, I have gotten rid of many of my possessions. My things started to own me and I did not like that at all. Things were given away, thrown away or some were sold. I started with the things that meant the most to me because I knew it would hurt the most and it would also build the most character. Now I am down to just plain junk which no one wants. That is what I have to do inside myself; I have to get rid of the clutter and baggage that has accumulated over the years. I need a clean slate, a fresh start and a way to start over inside my own head. I am going to start by daydreaming again, go back to simpler times and enjoying the simpler things in life.
I have yet to see how the road changes me, but I think it will be an interesting ride.
Thank you for listening!!