Some people love trains because of their amazing mechanics or the fact that these behemoths gracefully move down two thin rails.  Trains can move people as well as freight.  You can ride in  ultimate luxury or with basic surroundings.  You can feel the warm breeze on your face in an open air car drinking an iced tea or the sipping a mimosa in the cool air of a climate-controlled coach.  You can go somewhere new or no where at all.  

I love trains for all those things and more.  The ride, at least, on my train is slow.  You have a chance to actually catch your breath and enjoy the scenery. There is no wifi so the only connections you make are with other human beings.  The ride is like a huge rocking chair gently swaying back and forth to the rhythm of the wheels.  

You can drive to the same places we go but on a train you do not have to contend with traffic.  You actually get to enjoy the sights at 19 miles an hour instead of 50.  Many folks do not care for the slower pace.  Let’s face it, there are always a million things to be done at any given point in time.  Riding a slow train through the woods seems like a huge waste of time.

 But it’s not.  I don’t believe it’s healthy to be constantly on the run.  Down time is something no one has time for anymore. Your soul suffers without a respite. Your body becomes stressed and learns to stay that way.  I know from experience what it feels like to be in fight or flight mode all the time. Rest becomes a memory. Always feeling your heart beating out of your chest is the norm.  Joy is gone.  

There is no way a train ride will answer all of life’s problems, but what if you had a chance to become reacquainted with yourself again.  What if you had the chance to actually relax without anything you had to do.  Wouldn’t that be nice?  I’m not trying to do a commercial for my train or any other.  I have come to learn the value of finding that thing you love to do and gaining the benefits from that.

I work on a train. It is, by far, the most physically demanding job I have ever had and ever loved. I can have just a horrible day at work and wake up the next day excited to go to my office, a train car.  It’s an unexplainable feeling.  For someone like me who wants to keep moving, it is perfect.  

The best part are train people.  I have met the most wonderful and giving people on this train from my co-workers to the passengers. The train is what brings us all together and it’s the train that makes us feel alive. It’s more than an engine and metal. It’s a daily journey that is ever changing.  It can make you happy, make you laugh and, at times, make you cry. Riding the rails has healed me deep into my soul. And the people I have met have touched my heart. 

I am forever changed.

Our story is not an epic one.  We were young and ill-prepared for marriage. We toughed it our six years before throwing in the towel.  I was a mess as a teenager, crazed like a feral cat.  I wanted to calm down but did not know how.  Then one day at the bar I met him.  A few years older, not much though but stable.  We started talking and drinking, he eventually asked fir my number with no other intents for that evening.  

We actually went on a few dates.  It was fun and he was always the gentleman.  We laughed at each other and the feeling was very comfortable. Not long after that, we talked about getting married.  Neither of us knew what it would entail but we were heavy into like and probably a little bit of love too.  So we picked a day and got married at the local courthouse.

Marriage to us, at the time, meant that we could make out anytime, eat Oreos for dinner and buy stuff.  It was all light and breezy until the talk turned to children.  We both thought children would be a cool idea, besides our friends were starting families. So we tried, tried some more and tried again to no avail.  People we knew were pregnant almost the moment they thought about it but we had no such luck.  

The weeks turned to months and the months turned to years and still no child.  The lightness had left the marriage. Behind it was depression and what I thought was my own madness.  Due to my inability to control this situation I started to exhibit OCD tendencies.  I already had them, but the stress of infertility made them surface wholesale.  I started losing my grip on reality and he started to drink even more. He never drank at home only at the bar. 

He loved it when people found out he was married.  They never would have guessed it, they would say.  This was his way of having his cake and eating it too.  More years past as we languished in the infertility wasteland.  The love seemed to fall away.  We still liked each other but it became clear to me that might not be enough to keep the marriage alive.

We tried a weekend getaway to see if it could be salvaged and we both knew the end was approaching.  We talked about divorce and he moved out.  I proceeded to get the paperwork drawn up.  I wanted nothing from him and he nothing from me.  I cried for the loss as well as the failure. I liked him and he liked me but that was not enough to fill the cup of marriage.

We both went our separate ways. Certain songs made me think back in time. I would see him around town and we would speak.  Genuinely concerned how the other one was. I remarried, he did not. Apparently he wasn’t alone too much, and that was good.  I don’t think he was cut out to be married and that’s ok too.

So I start a new life in a new place and I get a message in Facebook that he has passed away.  I rush to the phone to call the person who sent me the note.  We talk at length about what happened and how he passed away.  I sat there alone crying uncontrollably.   My marriage is great and strong, we conquered the “dark years” and came through the other side. No. I do not cry for any regrets, or any misgivings.  I cry because he was a good and decent person who suffered. My heart breaks not for missed love but because he passed away so young. 

I remember the laughs, the late nights, forgotten are the childless years for they do not matter now.  I remember his smile and always the kind word. I am imagine I drive him crazy with my bad temper and mood swings. He never let on to me though. He seemed content those few years so much time ago.  I hope for a brief time he found some happiness with me and longer spans of happiness after me.

I’m sorry our love story was not an epic one. I’m sorry our love was not the kind to last through time.  You deserved better than that. I’m sorry you left your family and friends so young.  But thank you for taking the time to give it a try.  Thank you for honesty caring and for trying to understand those things about me I did not even understand. You were a good and kind man. The world is better for your time in it. Rest well now with no more pain. 

Good night, dear Pete, good night.

My story usually revolves around what is wrong with me or what is wrong with the world around me.  As I sit here today, my heart is still broken from the never ending conflicts, the natural and man made disasters and all the turmoil.  Well, for me, for today, I’m going to be thankful.

I’m thankful today for:

— A clean, safe and lovely place to live and a truly amazing landlady.🏡

—  Food enough to eat to stay nourished and for a few treats.  Fresh water to drink.  Always thanks for a good hamburger!🍔

—  Clothes to keep me warm and comfortable.  And having learned to live with the minimal amount needed has relieved much daily stress.👖

—  A wonderful vehicle that has transported me to mountains, to oceans, to deserts and to the road of real freedom. Love you Devi!🚗

—  Good books.  Much of what I have learned in life is from reading. Not everyone one can or has the freedom to read.  I’m extremely grateful.📖

— Good music.  Music has always been a constant companion assisted me through the lonely nights and days and celebrated the most awesome of times! 🎼

— For learning the importance of giving up possessions and their hold on me. For giving up the need to always have the newest stuff.  Stuff was drowning me, not any longer….best lesson ever learned! Losing everything gave me everything I ever wanted!🗑

— For work and or purpose.  I used to hate work, thinking I was missing out on something else.  Now I know without the right work and purpose life is meaningless. I need the structure and the accomplishment that work brings.  If I did not have that, I would have no reason to get out of bed. 🛏

— For Christmas lights.  They give me a sense of wonder no matter what time of year.🎄

— Fot one good purse.  Got to have one!👛

— For finding the train.  The train I work on has changed my life. It is hard to believe that I used to be afraid to speak in public.  Now I do it daily as I ride a slow train through the amazing Nantahala Gorge!  It has changed my whole perspective.🚂

— For my belief in God.  I sometimes question my faith, sometimes I turn my back on it outwardly but I always have it inside of me.  Without it I would have perished many years ago from bad decisions.  One of my most prized possessions is my worn Bible. It has carried me through the darkness so many times.  I am eternally grateful for Mr. Fredrickson for showing me that light when I was 16 years old.  It forever changed me✝️

I could go on and on, but you get the idea. No matter what, there really is always something to be thankful for.  My biggest Thanksgiving goes out to my family and friends.  I have so many people who care for me, I honestly do not know how I got so blessed.  I’m thankful I learned how important it is to have other people in your life.  Every one in my life has touched my heart and my soul.  My life has been transformed by the people in my life. I am truly and utterly blessed beyond all comprehension.

So for today I give thanks and bask in the glow of all my many blessings!

Let me preface this blog by saying I have a fever and it might have fueled this rant. From my 20s to my 30s, I cared about everything.  I cared what people thought of me.  I cared about what I looked like.  I cared about my makeup and my clothes.  I cared about what kind of car I drove and how my house was decorated.  I cared about what books were on my bookshelf and what music I listened to.  I cared about the environment to the point of depression.  I cared about getting sick.  I cared about how the events of the day would effect me.  In all truthfulness, as I look back, it was all about me and how I felt.  Not really the definition of caring.
Then my 40s came, and I was tired of caring about most things.  No longer did I care what people thought of me.  I only cared about running away whether only in my mind or for a day.  I stayed the course and worked while I earned my degree, stayed responsible.  But I found inside I cared about very little.  I was profoundly sad all the time and probably drinking too much.  I didn’t care what happened because all I wanted was a different life and I became resigned to the fact that would not happen.  

I would wake up in the morning disappointed that I had woke up.  I was that empty inside.  Every day was a chore to get through and at the end of it my reward was NyQuil and dreams of the road. I stopped caring about all the things in my life and started down a minimalist path.  I lost the ability to find joy, although I have doubts that I ever really experienced true joy.

Clinical depression was talked about like it is today. I just thought I was going slowly insane.  
Then I turned 50.  Nothing changed for a while, but then everything changed.  I felt like I was drowning everyday. Then one day I wrote a note to my boss explaining why I had to resign. My reasoning wasn’t all that clear, but I knew I had to go.   She stood behind me as my crazy ideas unfolded. That is how the epic journey was born.  I got rid of almost all my belongings and felt nothing. I did not care except for a few things and many of those things have since found a new home with someone else.  As I hit the road, I still felt nothing. I tried but it was all too overwhelming. I was sure the Pacific Ocean was going to heal me. When I got there, nothing.  Nothing changed and I could not have cared less that I was there. That’s when I knew I was in trouble. 

Then I started meeting fellow wanderers and people on the fringe, for lack of a better word.  I started talking to other people and listening to their stories. I was moved by them.  I started to care again.

On this epic journey, I have met some amazing people. They have changed me as have the places I have been. I do care again but about different things. I don’t care what color your skin is or what religion you are. I don’t care where you have been only where you are now.  I don’t care how much money you make or don’t make. Car? Who cares? Home furnishings? Who cares?  I know there is a class structure in this country but I don’t care. The only thing that matters, that I care about, is how human you are. I use the same criteria for myself.  I have often said in this blog we, as a society, are losing our humanity.  We just don’t care anymore. 

Caring hurts, but so does being dead inside.  Caring takes time and time is harder to give than even money. Caring is about someone else, not just you.  All the turmoil and separation going on in this country scares me.  The person who does something caring is news because it doesn’t happen all the time. I want to relearn the meaning of caring and start living it for real.  I want others to start caring again. It is so much easier to live within the walls we construct for ourselves but it is empty. I’m tired again but this time I don’t want to give up. I want to care again. We will see how that goes…

My new philosophy in life is to be calmer and more mindful. Last weekend was a very busy weekend at work. I thought it would be a great time to test the waters of my new internal calmness. I realize it is easy to be calm and thoughtful when you are in a calm and thoughtful place, but really putting the concept to the test seemed like a great idea. That is why I picked last weekend to jump into the fire, so to speak.

I started the day by having everything ready for work; my uniform was ready, lunch was packed, etc.  I got to work a few minutes early which was good.  I collected my money bag, keys and other items I would need for the upcoming 12 hour day.  I got to my train car and proceeded to get it organized the way I like, made sure I had enough supplies for two runs and started my evening paperwork so it would be done in a timely fashion at the end of the day.  I was feeling good about myself.

I was told that I would have help boarding passengers and that I would have time to start getting beverages early which is essential when you are the one server on a car with up to 44 passengers.  Efficiency and order are the rules of the day.  When doing a double run, it is absolutely imperative!  I was relieved from boarding and I was able to give the morning announcements earlier than usual. My new plan was working perfectly.  I was just getting ready to start my first beverage service when a co-worker asked for help.  I jumped in and helped, when I got back to my car the train was moving.  That meant that i was suddenly already behind. The ideal situation is to have the first beverage service done before the train moves. I wondered how I got behind all ready.

So I rushed as fast as I could to catch up, and was starting to feel upset and frustrated. How could I have done all this planning and still be behind?  I continued doing my tasks at a pace as fast as I could. I figured I would be friendlier after I got caught up.  Then the power went out in my car, which has never happened before.  I had visitors in the car entertaining so I could not continue my tasks until they were done.  I finally was able to start bar service, much later than normal.  So I quickly ran to my server station made four cocktails and poured four glasses of wine.  I picked up the tray like I have done hundreds of times before, took a few steps past the first few tables, lost my balance and proceeded to spill all the drinks down the front of my uniform, the uniform I still had to wear for 11 more hours.

I was devastated as this has never happened before.  Next thing I know I am down on all fours trying to clean up the absolutely huge mess I made while realizing that now I was even more behind and was worried about my customers becoming upset.  By this time, I still have a few tears running down my cheeks, I have several alcohol and wines dripping from my sarturated vest, and now lunch is being served without many of the customers lunch bar requests. I stood for a moment contemplating my next move.  Do I simply throw in the towel realizing that no matter what I do nothing will ever go right? Or do I calm myself, talk to the customers and keep going?

My mind came up with a plan way before I realized what was happening.  I explained to my customers what happened, made a few self-deprecating jokes, aplologized profusely and started the day all over again.  I proceeded to still have things go wrong:coffee stations just stopped working, my normal schedule was thrown off because of the second run, and other small crises.  The day finally ended, most of my customers seemed to have a good day regardless of all the many things that went wrong.

After I got home, I was finally able to wash off all the stickiness from the mornings beverage spill.  My uniform was in the washing machine also getting cleaned and I realized something.  That morning I had expected everything to proceed smoothly because I had done a lot of preparation. But all the preparation in the world cannot take into account all the unknown variables that can happen on any given day.  My focus was completely incorrect. 

I should never have expected the day to be perfect.  What I needed to focus on, and eventually did, was how I would calmly and thoughtfully deal with all the mistakes, mishaps and unexpected events that happened. I realized the old me would have thrown a tantrum and gotten really angry. But I didn’t, I had a moment of that thinking, then gave into the situation. We all laughed a lot that day.  I felt like my customers and I were in this together and it seemed like we had all connected on some level.

Even though so many things went wrong that day, so many things were right.  My attitude was severely tested and for once I feel like I actually passed the test. Maybe I am starting to change on a deeper level.  I am well aware that I cannot go on living and stressing every little thing. I have tried to let go of things in the past with very little success. Maybe I am finally learning to let go and to let God.  I hope that is true. I’m so very tired of trying to control all the things in my life. It is absolutely impossible, so I have to let go in order to live a calmer and more thoughtful life. 

Wow, what a day and what an amazing lesson learned!

I’m going to start a new movement. A movement that is so new and so exciting everyone will want to join in.  I am going to start a movement that simply states that everyone has a right to their own opinion.  Crazy, right?  Yes, I’m being a little sarcastic but I am fed up with the thought that we all have to agree on everything. If I do not particularly agree with someone’s stand today, I run the risk of offending them.  We are all so easily offended in 2017.

Back when I was a kid, it was harder to get offended as I remember.  Unless someone overtly called you a name or made fun of your clothes, you pretty much were not offended.  Yes, feelings got hurt but we got over it for the most part. And when was it decided and by whom that we all had to have the same opinions?  Isn’t that a form of brainwashing?  Isn’t one of the beauties of living in America that we have the right to think for ourselves and, therefore, have the right to hold tight to our own thoughts and opinions?

I’m purposely turning off the television and lessening my time on the Internet.  There are too many factions fighting against each other because neither side agrees with the other.  Should we not embrace those differences and work together to find common ground?  Oh that’s right, there doesn’t seem to be such a thing any longer.  It’s either my way or you are completely wrong.  

There are days I feel so sad that our world seems to be dividing more every single day.  People’s anger is so out of control. Violence is rampant because we don’t see things the same.  That seems like groups are holding those who do not think the same hostage.  Threats of violence have never been the answer.

Of course, there are issues that need discussed and there are things that need to be changed but have we not learned how to remain civilized?  Can we engage verbally without the possibility of fisticuffs?  For me, no more “famous” people telling me that I am wrong and that I am the problem; while they totally ignore the rules of a civilized society.  No more yelling people on the news, screaming the same three thoughts over and over again.  In my little corner of the world, people I know are going to be free to have different opinions than me.  I want to foster calm and educational conversations about such things.

I’m saying no to being easily offended.  I’m saying no to being bullied because I have my own opinion.  I’m saying no to dirty, underhanded anonymous internet comments.  I’m going to “get over myself” and stop thinking that everyone has to think the same way like robots.  We are human with the ability to reason for ourselves.  I am going to embrace differences as well as civility.  I’m going to stop engaging in manipulating one-sided conversations.  I want to listen more and talk less.  I want to bring value to every person I meet.  All lives matter and we need to remember that simple fact.

You may not agree with the things I have written. I am well aware of that possibility. But this is my blog and I write about things that make me happy and make me sad.  Until there is no longer freedom of speech, I will do this same thing.  Honestly, I am worried about our world today with its aggression and extreme anger.  I can’t believe some of the things I hear people say.  I want the world to be a better place and my goal, as it has always been, is to make myself better with the hopes of making the world a little better along the way.

Today is my 55th birthday.  55 years old.  I swear I was just in my 30s.  Where did the time go?  It past by rather quickly, much to my surprise. I try to have a mindset that says it’s just a number, but my body and mind are fighting me.  I cannot believe the changes going on.

This bothers me the most….I lose track of my thoughts more often.  I will be talking about a view or point of interest on the train and my mind suddenly just goes blank.  Only for a second, then it reboots but it throws me off. This happens several times a day.  

I don’t register faces as well anymore. Last night I went to a local pub for a dinner hosted by my boss. As I walked in, everyone sang Happy Birthday.  It was sweet but the attention flustered me a little bit.  Then a lovely young woman came up to me and I ordered a beer.  Well, she was a co-worker of mine not a waitperson at the bar.  Everyone laughed, except her, and I felt bad.  I tend to not always recognize people out of the context in which I know them. If I had seen her at work, it would have been obvious.  

I am so easily overwhelmed now.  I always seemed on the edge of it, but now I go over the edge more frequently.  When this happens I lose my sense of internal balance.  I forget for a few brief seconds what I was doing and sometimes where I’m at.  Then it is difficult to get my timing back.

I don’t feel like myself anymore. Odd thing is I spent so much time trying to figure out who I was, and I found out for about a minute, then lost it again.  I snap at people and am generally lack patience across the board. I don’t like this version of me.  

I have been following my personal trends lately as I try to understand what is happening.  I do not think it has as much to do with age as outside stimuli.  There always seem to be a hundred things going on at a given moment.  There is no such thing as a leisurely drive anymore, someone is always behind and pushing to go faster or get out of the way. I feel as if I am always being pushed to go faster or to get more done.  Granted, my pace is slower than most as I constantly try to keep my, ever allusive, internal balance. 

 At the grocery store, I feel like I am being swarmed when I stop to look at something.  All of a sudden, everyone in the store has to look at breakfast cereal at the exact same time I do.  Or get gas at the time I do.  And on and on.  I just want to go about my business without having to get out of someone’s way constantly.  I live in a town where people come for vacation.  Why are they in such a hurry? I do not believe we as human beings know how to slow down anymore.  Everything is on a checklist, even having fun.  

So am I just getting old and feeble or is the world spinning faster?  Maybe a little of both, I would guess.  I want the pace to slow down but I do not know how to achieve it.  I believe that is the next step in the epic journey, how to slow down in such a fast-paced world.  There has to be a way, my mind is depending on it!

We live in a society of excess. We have probably all, at one time or another, been to a really cool sports bar. You walk in the door and the air conditioning blasts in your face. The lights are bright and blaring.  You are greeted by the over-exuberant host who talks a little too loud. You get to your table and notice that there are sixteen televisions broadcasting sixteen different sporting events, news shows or something else. The music is cranked so loud you can barely talk to the person across the table. You look through the nine-page menu trying to decide on what to eat.  Then you see the small book that is the bar menu.   It’s all so overwhelming in the name of fun.

To me, life is like that sports bar, full of excess and constant diversions.  At places like that, you feel like you are mult-tasking.  You can eat, drink, catch the latest scores, hear the news and catch up with friends all in one place. When I was younger that may have appealed to me but as I have gotten older I find I’m simply overwhelmed by the unnecessary noise, the constant activity, and having to yell to speak to the person across the table from me.

I’m learning to cherish the peace and calm of the world.  I honestly do not need to be entertained that much. A good book and a cup of hot tea are a wonderful way to spend a day.  Multi-tasking does not do for me what I want it to do.  One would think that getting as much done in the span of a certain amount of time would give you more time to pursue other activities. But it never did for me.  I only became anxious and exhausted. The two things I was trying to avoid.

I figured out that the never-ending to do list is really never ending.  I always left some things undone and I did not feel any peace ever.  I realize now that I was in a constant state of being overwhelmed.  I was continually fretting about the future things that needed done while I completely ignored where I was in the moment. I kept myself so busy (aka entertained) that I became unable to stop and think of only one thing at a time.  I literally thought I was losing my mind. While watching a movie, I would fold laundry, plan the next week’s menu, thought about what bills to pay next payday and any other number of tasks that were not necessary to do at the time.  Then you could ask me about the movie I just watched and I could tell you nothing about it. 

I was off in sports bar land totally ignoring my life. I thought if I kept so busy the worrying and fear would go away when in reality the overstimulation made those things worse. Then I found I could not sleep because the sixteen televisions in my head would never shut off. I was miserable. 

Now I have decided to be more intentional in my actions. My house may not be spotless, but truthfully it never was even with my flurries of activity. I may not read five books at once just so I can check them off my list and not remember a thing about any of them.  I want to be at peace without all the white noise and static that our world provides. I am planning to step back a bit, be more intentional and more about the current moment I am in. I no longer want to feel overwhelmed every minute of every day. Life is, honestly, too short for that. 

I want to laugh more.  I want to connect to others in person more. I want to enjoy little things more. I want to see beauty more. We all get so busy with all we have to do. I’m going to reassess my priorities again and see what excess I can get rid of. I need to learn to turn my mind off and drift into the sweet sleep I knew as a child. There are always going to be times in life where you have to be in high gear but it does not have to be everyday.  My promise to myself is to truly find peace and learn to love life again, not just trundle through waiting for a better time to start living. I’m shutting off the theoretical televisions and the jukebox.  I don’t need constant diversions anymore. I want to be at peace as much as I can. 

I was a terrible teenager.  I skipped school, hung with the wrong crowd and was generally an overall pain in the neck.  I hated school and thought it was a waste of time.  I had people who loved me almost give up on me because of my horrible behavior. I could not find anything I was good at and had an overwhelming fear of failing. Until one day in high school English. We were tasked with writing a short story.  Not being much of a reader at the time, I can only imagine how awful my story was but my teacher, Ms. Richter, encouraged my writing.  That blew my mind.  

Over the years, I wrote mostly in private and discarded the ramblings after I was done. My fear of failure again stifled me but I did learn the healing properties of writing.  As I grew older, I learned to read more.  Each book taught me a little more about word usage and formalizing an idea from a thought to words on a paper.  I’m no English major or even terribly fluent in all the rules of the English language but I have come to love the written word.  My mind does not function in a fictional world, I admire those who can think of a story and literally bring it to life.  I, personally, like to learn from the world around me.  Those lessons have helped me grow and turn from being a complete nightmare to a decent person (still a work in progress).

I never got to thank Ms. Richter.  She lit a flame that has followed me my entire life.  Amazing how one small act or encouragement can plant a positive seed.  I’m sure everyone has that one person who changed their view of life.  It makes me want to be that person for someone else.  I am not sure how to go about it but it seems that in the world we live in today, the opportunities to be positive are everywhere.  I just have to open my eyes and realize the absolute importance of encouragement .

I’m going to try to be more like Ms. Richter and look for those places where I can help a spark grow into a flame for someone else.  I don’t say writing saved my life but it did teach me a better way to live.  It helped me through the dark times and assisted me in becoming a life-long learner.  

Do you have a spark to try something?  Then try it.  You might not be good at first but there is always room for improvement.  Each small step is part of an amazing journey that will change your life. I’ve learned not to fear failure. It’s better to have tried and failed than to never have tried at all (I paraphrased).  Learn what you love, even if you aren’t sure exactly what it is, and once you find it you will begin to soar!  

Back in the day, I lived for drama.  I loved my own as well as other people’s.  Seemed as if life was a big competition to see who had the more compelling or the most outrageous drama.  I said I hated it but I sniffed it out like a dog sniffs for treats.  What I did not realize was it was making me miserable.  Self-pity was a normal mode for me.  I swore off it many times but I was addicted.

Now, I know how serious addiction is and I am not making light of that problem at all.  I honestly think I was addicted to the drama and the depression that always followed.  It seemed to give me purpose in some perverse way.  I loved carrying that cross even though it was totally unnecessary.  I hated the light of day but loved the shrouded darkness of night. 

In the dark you cannot see yourself or your motives, everything is veiled in secrecy.  I had manic periods where I couldn’t sleep and I signed up for all sorts of projects I was not capable of doing once the mania left the building.  I thrived on the hardness of my life and my situations, real or imagined.  The mania loved the drama as if there were some quota to fill.   

But with age comes wisdom.  I no longer feel the need to chase after the drama and chaos.  I want to be at peace but I cannot be while living inside a hurricane.  I am going to actively seek out peace and forfeit the “high” of drama.  I have always lived in the darkness and have seen small portions of light. Like a vampire, the light scared me but I am determined to seek the light and forget the dark.  No more drama, life is just too darn short to be consumed with that nonsense. 

Hello new peaceful life. Goodbye drama and depression!