Today is my 55th birthday. 55 years old. I swear I was just in my 30s. Where did the time go? It past by rather quickly, much to my surprise. I try to have a mindset that says it’s just a number, but my body and mind are fighting me. I cannot believe the changes going on.
This bothers me the most….I lose track of my thoughts more often. I will be talking about a view or point of interest on the train and my mind suddenly just goes blank. Only for a second, then it reboots but it throws me off. This happens several times a day.
I don’t register faces as well anymore. Last night I went to a local pub for a dinner hosted by my boss. As I walked in, everyone sang Happy Birthday. It was sweet but the attention flustered me a little bit. Then a lovely young woman came up to me and I ordered a beer. Well, she was a co-worker of mine not a waitperson at the bar. Everyone laughed, except her, and I felt bad. I tend to not always recognize people out of the context in which I know them. If I had seen her at work, it would have been obvious.
I am so easily overwhelmed now. I always seemed on the edge of it, but now I go over the edge more frequently. When this happens I lose my sense of internal balance. I forget for a few brief seconds what I was doing and sometimes where I’m at. Then it is difficult to get my timing back.
I don’t feel like myself anymore. Odd thing is I spent so much time trying to figure out who I was, and I found out for about a minute, then lost it again. I snap at people and am generally lack patience across the board. I don’t like this version of me.
I have been following my personal trends lately as I try to understand what is happening. I do not think it has as much to do with age as outside stimuli. There always seem to be a hundred things going on at a given moment. There is no such thing as a leisurely drive anymore, someone is always behind and pushing to go faster or get out of the way. I feel as if I am always being pushed to go faster or to get more done. Granted, my pace is slower than most as I constantly try to keep my, ever allusive, internal balance.
At the grocery store, I feel like I am being swarmed when I stop to look at something. All of a sudden, everyone in the store has to look at breakfast cereal at the exact same time I do. Or get gas at the time I do. And on and on. I just want to go about my business without having to get out of someone’s way constantly. I live in a town where people come for vacation. Why are they in such a hurry? I do not believe we as human beings know how to slow down anymore. Everything is on a checklist, even having fun.
So am I just getting old and feeble or is the world spinning faster? Maybe a little of both, I would guess. I want the pace to slow down but I do not know how to achieve it. I believe that is the next step in the epic journey, how to slow down in such a fast-paced world. There has to be a way, my mind is depending on it!