Back in the day, I lived for drama. I loved my own as well as other people’s. Seemed as if life was a big competition to see who had the more compelling or the most outrageous drama. I said I hated it but I sniffed it out like a dog sniffs for treats. What I did not realize was it was making me miserable. Self-pity was a normal mode for me. I swore off it many times but I was addicted.
Now, I know how serious addiction is and I am not making light of that problem at all. I honestly think I was addicted to the drama and the depression that always followed. It seemed to give me purpose in some perverse way. I loved carrying that cross even though it was totally unnecessary. I hated the light of day but loved the shrouded darkness of night.
In the dark you cannot see yourself or your motives, everything is veiled in secrecy. I had manic periods where I couldn’t sleep and I signed up for all sorts of projects I was not capable of doing once the mania left the building. I thrived on the hardness of my life and my situations, real or imagined. The mania loved the drama as if there were some quota to fill.
But with age comes wisdom. I no longer feel the need to chase after the drama and chaos. I want to be at peace but I cannot be while living inside a hurricane. I am going to actively seek out peace and forfeit the “high” of drama. I have always lived in the darkness and have seen small portions of light. Like a vampire, the light scared me but I am determined to seek the light and forget the dark. No more drama, life is just too darn short to be consumed with that nonsense.
Hello new peaceful life. Goodbye drama and depression!