How Much Comfort do You Need in a Comfort Zone?
I do not need a room with a view, I need a room with a door.

I do not need a room with a view, I need a room with a door.

As I make my way down this new road I am taking, I am faced with the fact that my well-known comfort zone (my home) is no longer available to me for comfort.  I now have to find a place of comfort somewhere else.  This has been difficult for me.  I am considered a “Highly Sensitive Person”, which means basically that I am easily overwhelmed by light, sounds, commotion, and other external stimuli.  I need a place to go when things get to be too much.  I always ran to my home for that comfort but after many years of that I started to feel that my home had gone from comfort zone to prison.  I say prison because, at times, it became easier to not leave at all then to face the world.

The view from the front door of our latest farm stay. North Carolina is beautiful!

The view from the front door of our latest farm stay. North Carolina is beautiful!

For now, I do not have a permanent place to live and, therefore, no permanent comfort zone.  I have been blessed thus far on my journey that I have had a room that I could retreat into when I felt overwhelmed.  I took all that for granted for many years, now I realize that is a luxury.  A room with a door….what a lovely sight that is for me now.  A place where I can be quiet and breathe, away from anything happening on the other side of the door.

This view is my new comfort zone.

This view is my new comfort zone.

I used to think that my comfort zone had to be this place where I was in control of all things.  I cooked my way, I cleaned my way (although I gave up on that a while back), I did everything my way.  I realize now that it was the “control” as well as the quiet that was my comfort.

Even Devi loves North Carolina.

Even Devi loves North Carolina.

Having “control” of things is like having a false sense of hope.  It is just not real.  Life does what it does and you really do not have that much control.  Okay, you may control how often you do laundry or what to make for dinner but the big decisions seem to be out of your control.  I walked on eggshells for years thinking if I had everything in place that my life would finally be perfect.  I would try to control something and another thing seemingly fell apart.  I was afraid to rock the cosmic boat for fear that all things would just come tumbling down.  Now that all “that” is gone, I can see a little clearer.  I lived in constant fear…every day and of everything.  It is no wonder I was never happy.  I wish I could have seen that before, things may have been different.  Or maybe they had to be this way in order for me to see them.

So I am learning to find my comfort where I can find it; I am learning to be more resilient and flexible (which is NOT me); I am learning to let go of what little control I have and learn how to do things differently; I am learning that making a new life is harder than I thought it would be but is very doable.

I do not own this image but I am respectfully using it in my blog.

I do not own this image but I am respectfully using it in my blog.

I always used to say “Let Go and Let God” but, honestly, I had no idea. It sounded good in theory and I was sure that was something I could do at another time but not then because I was still in control. Now I make the latest plans, think of all the contingencies and try to make it come to fruition….and the plans never seem to work out. I need to remember to let go and go with the flow. Mike is amazing at doing that, me…not so much. But I do not think I will ever find peace unless I truly and honestly completely let go.

Here is to letting go of useless control (it never got me anywhere good anyway) and to find life exciting instead of scary; scary being a place a had to hide from. If I can just see the adventure in all this, maybe having a comfort zone might not be that important anymore. Here is to letting go of the woobie!!

Thank you for listening!!

Farm Stay #1 — Near Bowling Green, Kentucky
This is not Kentucky. I misplaced my Kentucky pics, so I hope you enjoy North Carolina.

This is not Kentucky. I misplaced my Kentucky pics, so I hope you enjoy North Carolina.

Now that things are finally starting to calm down a bit, I hope to post more about our Farm / Home Stays.  As I noted in previous posts, Mike and I are basically without a permanent home and now have very few possessions.  We cannot afford to stay in hotel/motels, and we cannot seem to get an apartment without having some sort of employment (go figure, right?).  So we had to think outside the box and Mike came up with a great idea.  Farm/Home Stays.

Basically, what we are doing is volunteering a someone’s farm or home to do work (a predetermined number of hours a week) in exchange for room and meals.  We do buy some of the food as it only seems fair.  The first Farm Stay was only for a weekend, but our current one may go a few weeks.  In the meantime, Mike is contacting other people who might need help in order to line up our next stay.

We are lucky because Mike has quite a few skills that make him valuable on a farm or doing home repairs.  I, on the other hand, have spent most of my life sitting behind a desk and typing for a living.  I fear that my skills are not quite as in demand.  Luckily though, many years ago I went through my “Martha Stewart” phase so I have some homemaking skills that I can use.  But I still feel very unsure of myself.  One wants to be sure that they pull their own weight when doing a Farm / Home Stay.

Anyway, our first Farm Stay was with a lovely family just outside of Bowling Green, Kentucky.  Our Host, runs a small farm with cows, pigs, sheep, chickens, bees, dogs and cats.  She utilizes farming techniques from the 30s and 40s, which she taught herself.  Her animals are treated so well, they are actually stress-free.  They roam in beautiful green pastures (she moves them often so the land stays in good condition) and are tended to in a loving fashion.

I, like many of you, have watched the Big Farm documentaries and have some knowledge of the horrific practices some corporate farms use in order to feed people at a profit for themselves.  I used to think myself as frugal until this short Farm Stay.  They use EVERYTHING, nothing is wasted.  They have reverence for the Earth and its bounty and the Earth seems to be shining on them for their great stewardship.

I cannot begin to fathom all the things I learned in that 2 1/2 day stay.   I am still trying to come back from a really bad anemic episode, so I am still feeling weak and very low.  We talked how our food was designed to heal us but instead the processed foods we eat are doing the opposite.  I know my body has a difficult time up-taking nutrients, and the human body was not designed for that.  Everything I thought I knew about food has changed.

It is amazing how you can meet someone for a short time and they can leave such an imprint on your life.  Our host did that.  I feel so honored to have met her and her family and to have seen her farm.  Their way of life is SO different from the way Mike and I have lived in the past, but now we are open to these types of experiences.  I am generally a germaphobe by nature, but I have to step outside of any kind of comfort zone that I know in order to live in these other people’s lives.  It is a true test for me.

I envy Mike as he just jumps in, no matter what and adapts.  I am slower to adapt, but I am trying very hard to be the person who “rolls with it Baby.”  I can see now that these experiences are going to be the ones that teach me about life.  I thought the road trip was going to teach me about life and about God, but now I see it is going to be living with people who were strangers in the beginning (friends in the end) and living a life that is not mine.  That is going to change me.  That is where my knowledge will come.  I stayed insulated in my little world for so many years, now that is all gone and I have to find my way in a world that I know little about.  It is scary but actually very exciting.

We are officially a week and two days into our new life and things seem different already.  I cannot wait to write more about it as I spend some trying time trying to figure it all out.  Please stay tuned because things are going to get very real!!!!!

Thank you for listening!

Living with Too Much Stuff
I do not own this image but I am using it respectfully.

I do not own this image but I am using it respectfully.

Last Friday, Mike and I rolled out of our driveway, the same driveway I have driven up and down for 47 years, for the last time.  We have spent the last few weeks giving away, throwing away and donating most of our belongings.  We have decided to start a new journey that involves living with much less; which also means not having a house any longer.  It is a huge change from what we are used to.

Our first stop was a farmstay in Bowling Green, Kentucky (a really great place – I will write a post about our stay).  I knew by the time we got there that we had brought too much stuff. The back of Devi was full and we even had to leave some things behind because there was no room left in the car.  Luckily our host was getting ready to donate some clothes to a local charity and we asked if we could donate some things also.

The point is not what great people we are for donating stuff, the point is actually that we realized on the second day of our new life that we still had stuff we could live without.  I began thinking why I had to have these few items and I could not remember for the life of me what I was thinking.  So we have decided to pare down even more.

Now I am looking at the stuff I still have and I am wondering what I can part with.  Do I really need four mini-sewing kits?  Probably not seeing as I do not know how to sew.  Do I need my set of 3 lb. weights for working out my arms?  Probably not, since they have so much dust on them from non-use, they made me sneeze.  Journals, I have several and I usually write everything on-line.  They sit in a box just waiting for me to hand-write things again.  I see now that I can actually get rid of more stuff.

So this new journey involves a conscious effort to live with less stuff.  I dreamed it would be easier than it is, but as with any learning experience, it hurts but it will be worth it in the long run.

Phase Two: Fresh Starts and New Beginnings in North Carolina
I do not own this image, but I am respectfully using it in my blog.

I do not own this image, but I am respectfully using it in my blog.

Many things have changed since coming back from my journey.  Since everything was in flux, I was not really able to discuss the changes, but now I can.  This is actually Phase 2 of my Epic Journey.  The first part was the trip itself.  While I was actually doing the trip, I felt it was yet another of my failures, but in retrospect, it has actually prepared me for this new phase.  I learned things that I did not realize until later and the difficult experiences made me realize that I am not quite as soft as I thought I was.

Over the past few weeks, Mike and I have been cleaning out our belongings.  Getting rid of anything that is non-essential.  We had decided to live our lives more consciously and without a lot of physical entanglements.  I have lived in this same house for about 48 years and it has accumulated much stuff.  Getting rid of the stuff has proved to be much more difficult than I had ever imagined.  It is not so much the getting rid of it, but finding a home for the stuff when everyone is buried under their own stuff and just the sheer volume of things to get rid of has been quite a hurdle.  I decided a while ago that I was tired of the stuff owning me and now I am finally getting to a point where that will not be the case any longer.  If it does not fit in Devi, it does not go with us.

At the end of this week, we will be starting a completely new life.  We are going to be leaving this home and our home state for a new location in North Carolina.  During this entire process, Mike and I have talked and talked about everything and what we feel we need at this point in our lives.  Years of being one lost paycheck away from disaster has taken its toll, stress has made us sick and it seems we may have actually forgotten how to live.

Part of Phase One was to try a farmstay out in Oregon, but due to unforeseen situations, that never came to pass.  We decided that we would give the farmstay idea another try in North Carolina.  The idea is to connect, through an organization called Help Exchange, volunteers (that would be us) with people who are in need of assistance either on their farms or teaching facilities.  Tasks are detailed and volunteers are usually give room and board in exchange for the jobs they will do.  It is a great symbiotic working relationship because the people in need receive the assistance they desire and the volunteers are given the opportunity to give back while having a roof over their heads.  These stays can be short-term or long-term, it all depends on what is needed.

We actually have a couple of exciting stays lined up for the next few months.  There are about ten opportunities just in the location we are looking at, so the opportunities seem good for now.  We will be nomadic for the next few months; if we like the options, we may stay that way indefinitely.

As the blog starts the next phase, it will still be about self-discovery but now it will also be about something more than just me.  We will be meeting people who are living outside the box and who will, hopefully, teach us how to do the same.  My eyes are going to be opened to new ways of life that I never even imagined before.  The plan is to live lighter, live healthier and to live simpler.

Leaving everything we know and leaving my ultimate comfort zone is proving to be a challenge.  But I could sit in the same place for the rest of my life and play it safe like I have done for so long.  I could watch myself get more and more depressed because my fears and doubts would be running my life or I can step outside and start living.  It is time to start living and helping others.  I wanted my Epic Journey to give me answers to how to live my life, it seemed to only give me more questions, but now I see that when asked the right questions, the answers start to fall into place.

I wanted to thank everyone again who supported my trip.  It was life changing and I could never have done it without your support.  I hope you will stay tuned to find out about this new adventure.  We should be on our first short farmstay by the weekend.  I am looking forward to it (I am scared to death) and I hope you will walk this new path with me.  Thank you for listening.

“I’ll Be Back”
I do not own this image, but I am respectfully using it in my blog.

I do not own this image, but I am respectfully using it in my blog.

I am sorry that I have not written anything lately, I have been depressed.  I have been trying to come up with something to write about but neither the ideas nor the words seem to be coming.  I feel as if I have lost my voice.  There are so many game-changing things going on in my life right now that I can barely move.  I cannot seem to get my head in the game lately.

In reality, I think I was trying to use my trip to runaway from those inevitable things I knew where headed my way.  I felt like Sarah Connor in the first “Terminator” movie.  You know the scene at the end where she is sitting in her Jeep and sees the storm coming.  She knows there is no way to avoid it; that was me.  I saw the storm coming, but I tried to run away from it.  Unfortunately, that never really works out like one would hope.

Life is a funny thing, staying stagnant is a terrifying thing but change is also a terrifying thing.  There seems to be no in between. I want to just run to my bed, throw the covers over my head and avoid it all, but life requires my presence.   So instead of whining like a little girl, I am going to maintain “radio silence”.  Hopefully the storm clouds will pass soon and I can start to write about all that has happened and what I have learned from it.

I know a lot of people who are depressed right now, please do me a favor.  Find someone sympathetic to talk with like a doctor.  Take depression seriously and seek assistance.  There are a lot of resources out there, please do not suffer alone in silence.  It is not a weakness to ask for help, it shows your strength!!  Good luck and God bless!!

Pursuing Happiness
I do not own this image but I am respectfully using it in my blog.

I do not own this image but I am respectfully using it in my blog.

Foreword:  Before I start, please let me explain that I am not complaining in this post.  I am simply stating a fact that I have found happiness to be a somewhat elusive beast in my life. I will not give up looking for it though.

I just want to be happy.  I do not expect to be “over the moon” every day of my life but I would like to have more happy days than sad.  It is a pursuit that I have been chasing for years.

I tried being a slacker and I tried being an overachiever.  I tried buying everything I could find to fill the void and I tried owning nothing.  I tried being single and being married.  I tried being “Suzy Homemaker” and I tried being all business.  I tried higher education and I tried lower expectations.  I tried selling adult toys and I tried selling Christian books.

I tried being an art snob, reading books way over my comprehension level, feminism, and politics.  I tried being an Earth Mother and being concerned about the environment.  I almost tried raising chickens, but I am not good with poop of any kind, so that did not work.  I went to one cooking class, one bellydance class, one yoga class, one Martial Arts class, and one craft class.  I have owned businesses and closed businesses (I mean my own not someone else’s).

I drank a lot of alcohol and gave it up.  I smoked cigarettes and gave them up.  I swore like a sailor, okay I still do that.  I exercised but never stuck with it.  I took prescription meds and I stopped taking them.  I rode a motorcycle, drove a Jeep and went soaring.  I recently tried travel as a way to escape and found I was wrong about that too.

Well, you get the point.  Finding your true authentic self is very hard work.  I have bumbled down many a dead end street just looking for myself.  It should not be this hard.  I often wonder if other people have this problem.  Does it show that I cannot “stick” with anything or am I just not right in “my skin” yet?

I do understand the difference between happiness and joy.  Happiness is situational and joy is something you feel all the time no matter what you are going through.  So in reality I am truly seeking joy because you cannot count on situations or other people to make you happy.  It has come from within.  I just wish I could find a comfortable place in which to experience joy.  Then again, maybe that is the point of it.  If you find it, what is there to look for after that?  Maybe pursuing it is the important part.  I just do not know.  I want to know but I must be too stupid to figure it out.

I guess in the meantime, I will wake up in the morning (God willing), pray about it and go about trying to be a better person.  I guess I will keep trying things, experimenting and searching.  There must be a reason our forefathers mentioned the “pursuit of happiness” rather than a right to be happy.  Today starts a new day, a new season (it is the first official day of Fall), and new to-do lists designed to help me find my true self.  Instead of trying so hard to find happiness, maybe I will try to start enjoying the journey to happiness.  Easier said than done, I know, but I have to try.

Top Three Reasons I Never Became a Singer
I do not own this image, I am respectfully using it in my blog.

I do not own this image, I am respectfully using it in my blog.

I cannot remember a time when I did not want to be a singer.  Music was my friend, my mentor, my inspiration and still is  today.  Back in the day, you did not have music videos or YouTube.  You only had records and you imagined what the singers were like from the album cover and liner notes.  Then came videos and everything changed.  Now you could see the singers you listened to.

Videos are not as important today as they once were, musically speaking, but they still have their place.  Once in a while I get in a mood and I just go to YouTube and watch either videos or live performances of older music.  I happened to do that last night after hearing “Tell Me Something Good” by Rufus playing overhead at the local Sheetz.  I decided to watch Chaka Chan, Whitney Houston and Etta James videos. Oh to be able to sing like that, I would give anything, alas that is definitely not my talent.  I cannot hold a note, am tone-deaf and I cannot even read music.  I am relegated to being a lover of music, not a participant.

Then I got to thinking about why I was not blessed with that particular talent  and these reasons came to mind:

  1. Ego:  If I could sing like young Whitney Houston, my head would be so swelled that no one else could fit in the room I was in.  I would be like “Bitch, do you know who I am?  I am Lois F*ing Hewitt and I sing!”  I would be that way at parties, at the grocery store, the dry cleaners, the gas station…everywhere.  God knew I could never contain myself if I had talent like that, so He made sure I had no talent for that whatsoever.
  2. Facade:  Watching an older video of a VH1 Diva presentation with Whitney and a few others, I realized that the secondary job of a singer is to never show the real you on stage.  I watched as Whitney Houston sang her heart out, smiled and danced all the time knowing, because I knew the future, she was having a miserable time in her personal life.  I can only imagine how hard it must be to have so much negativity in your personal life but be the ultimate performer on stage.  People did not pay to see her sulk around on stage, they expected to see her vibrancy and energy.  That had to be exhausting.  What a horrible price to pay for fame!
  3. Money:  Although I would like a little more money than I have right now, having too much does not seem to be healthy either.  There are some people with money who seem to be able to control it, but I have to assume (since it has never been a problem for me) that having too much money can create unhealthy lifestyles.  I know if I sold millions of records and had lots of money from it, I would be so obsessive.  There would be no living with me.

My night watching YouTube was extremely enlightening.  Just because I would have wanted a specific gift and spent years cursing the fact that it was not my gift to have, does not mean it would have been good for me.  Sometimes those things we want more than anything are the very things that could ruin us.  My mind goes to Amy Winehouse, Elvis and so many countless others who were given a specific talent but it was that talent that helped to destroy them either directly or indirectly.

So for today, I will ponder the things I want in life,the things I wish for, the dreams I have and look at them with open eyes.  Maybe the things I feel I have to have may not be good for me.  Or maybe they will come at a later time when I am ready for them.  I do not know what the future will bring, except I highly doubt my singing voice will ever develop, but whatever comes my way I have to look at it as my blessing and do all that I can to have it make me a better person, not a bitter person.

Nothing Remains The Same

Change

As I wrote those words, I realized how much my life is about to change.  I am afraid, naturally.  I am excited, obviously.  I am unsure, understandably.  Change is never easy but it has to be taken on in order to grow.  So that is what I am doing right now….growing!!  I hope I come out the other side a better human being, because I sure could use the improvement.

I am sorry that the final part of my Epic Journey had to be postponed.  I have had a lot of people tell me how much they were looking forward to reading about it.  I hated to disappoint you!!  As I have stated many times before, life just sort of stepped in and it has required that I act like an adult (much to my dismay) and do what I have to do right now.  I will finish the journey and I hope to be blessed with other trips also.

Even though I have always tried to “change things up” by trying different jobs, going back to school, starting (and closing) my own businesses, as well as other things, I have basically always stayed where it was safe.  I stepped out always with one foot still on solid ground.  It worked for me for many years, but now I need to jump off the cliff and not rely on the safety of the past.

Here is to new beginnings, to flying without a net and to being open to the uncertainty of the present and the future.  I have no idea where I am headed for sure; I do have some ideas but nothing is cast in stone just yet.  Each new page on the calendar brings me another day closer a fresh start.  Here is to change, may it bring the experience, understanding and knowledge I seek to be a better person.

I Can Never Thank You Enough …. There is More To Come
Make-A-Wish Donation Receipt.

Make-A-Wish Donation Receipt.

Thanks to all of you I was able to make a donation to the Ohio, Kentucky and Indiana Make-A-Wish Foundation.  I promised that part of the proceeds collected would go there, and the funds are being electronically sent as I write this.  I volunteered for this organization for many years and even though I do not currently, I love what they do for the children they help.  So THANK YOU AGAIN for giving me the opportunity to help them!!

I just wanted to take a moment to thank everyone again for your support regarding my Epic Journey.  As many of you know, the journey is not complete.  I promise there will be more to come.  Unfortunately, life, as it does, has interrupted the journey for now.  But it will continue and I hope it will be much more interesting now that I am a little smarter about traveling.

I hit some road blocks before, during, and after the trip.  I am sorry that the original trip did not go as planned, but I still learned a lot.  I still have much to learn and I hope you will continue to be interested in the blog.  The changes coming up in my life are the biggest challenges I have ever faced, so it should be interesting 🙂

I do not own this image, but I am respectfully using it in my blog.

I do not own this image, but I am respectfully using it in my blog.

Thank you again to everyone who helped with this trip.   If I left anyone out, please know it was honestly by accident.  I appreciate everyone and I am honored that you cared enough to take the time to help and encourage me!!

  • To everyone who shared my blog with others
  • To all the people who came into my shop and dropped money in my travel jar
  • Carson
  • Cindy
  • Debbie
  • Carol
  • Chris
  • Randi
  • Gary
  • Rita
  • Jill
  • Terrie
  • Cathy
  • Mike
  • Mary
  • Joyce
  • Ed
  • Wayne
  • Janet
  • Joan
  • Chuck
  • Jon
  • Patricia
  • Kelley
  • Jan
  • Amy
  • Ernie
  • Kimberly
  • Lisa
  • Marty
  • Avery
  • Dawn
  • Jenny
  • Debi
  • Dani
  • Melanie
  • Tracy
  • Rick
  • Theresia
  • Rich
  • Catherine
  • Denise
  • Branson
  • Patti
  • Bill
  • Robert

Once more, thank you and please stay tuned for another exciting adventure!!!