As I make my way down this new road I am taking, I am faced with the fact that my well-known comfort zone (my home) is no longer available to me for comfort. I now have to find a place of comfort somewhere else. This has been difficult for me. I am considered a “Highly Sensitive Person”, which means basically that I am easily overwhelmed by light, sounds, commotion, and other external stimuli. I need a place to go when things get to be too much. I always ran to my home for that comfort but after many years of that I started to feel that my home had gone from comfort zone to prison. I say prison because, at times, it became easier to not leave at all then to face the world.
For now, I do not have a permanent place to live and, therefore, no permanent comfort zone. I have been blessed thus far on my journey that I have had a room that I could retreat into when I felt overwhelmed. I took all that for granted for many years, now I realize that is a luxury. A room with a door….what a lovely sight that is for me now. A place where I can be quiet and breathe, away from anything happening on the other side of the door.
I used to think that my comfort zone had to be this place where I was in control of all things. I cooked my way, I cleaned my way (although I gave up on that a while back), I did everything my way. I realize now that it was the “control” as well as the quiet that was my comfort.
Having “control” of things is like having a false sense of hope. It is just not real. Life does what it does and you really do not have that much control. Okay, you may control how often you do laundry or what to make for dinner but the big decisions seem to be out of your control. I walked on eggshells for years thinking if I had everything in place that my life would finally be perfect. I would try to control something and another thing seemingly fell apart. I was afraid to rock the cosmic boat for fear that all things would just come tumbling down. Now that all “that” is gone, I can see a little clearer. I lived in constant fear…every day and of everything. It is no wonder I was never happy. I wish I could have seen that before, things may have been different. Or maybe they had to be this way in order for me to see them.
So I am learning to find my comfort where I can find it; I am learning to be more resilient and flexible (which is NOT me); I am learning to let go of what little control I have and learn how to do things differently; I am learning that making a new life is harder than I thought it would be but is very doable.
I always used to say “Let Go and Let God” but, honestly, I had no idea. It sounded good in theory and I was sure that was something I could do at another time but not then because I was still in control. Now I make the latest plans, think of all the contingencies and try to make it come to fruition….and the plans never seem to work out. I need to remember to let go and go with the flow. Mike is amazing at doing that, me…not so much. But I do not think I will ever find peace unless I truly and honestly completely let go.
Here is to letting go of useless control (it never got me anywhere good anyway) and to find life exciting instead of scary; scary being a place a had to hide from. If I can just see the adventure in all this, maybe having a comfort zone might not be that important anymore. Here is to letting go of the woobie!!
Thank you for listening!!