Bejeweled.  Yes, it is one of my addictions.  I love the game and have since I owned my first computer all those years ago.  The version I now have on my iPad was free (the only versions I get) but it has ads that play before every new game. Most ads have that very important SKIP button that allows me to skip the ad and get back to my game.  One commercial, however, has caught my eye to the point I cannot wait to see it again.

The commercial is for Coldwell Banker.  I’m not even really sure what they do these days with the housing market in the dumper. Their ad, though, is pure and simple.  It opens with some loud, crazy classical music and an absolutely adorable baby sitting on a couch with a piece of paper in its hand.  Then you see a grown up hand tear a piece of the paper.  It must be the sound, but this baby starts to laugh.  It is the most perfect, genuine laugh I have ever heard. The grown up tears another piece and the baby’s legs start to kick and the laughter continues.  There is no way you cannot smile when you see this ad.

All I want to know is…where do I buy child-like wonder?  I want to tear a piece of paper and laugh.  I want to see life through the eyes of a baby or child.  It must be magical for everything is new.  I want to play peek-a-boo and think that it is the most coolest game in the history of games.  And the naps, don’t get me started on just how lucky babies are to be able to nap anytime and anywhere.  Lucky ducks!

I know there must have been a time in my life, all our lives, before all the hurts started to stack up.  A time before you learned that not every wish or dream is possible.  A time before disappointment and disillusion.  A time before knowing grief and loss.  The time existed, but we were all to young to remember it. What a cruel joke!

The simiplest times in life happen without the benefit of memory to capture the times.  Take a snowfall for example.  For a child it means no school, sled riding, snowman building, hot soup and warm Mom hugs.  As adult it means cleaning and scrapping the ice off the car, hoping you don’t end up in a ditch, being on the road with other drivers who either go too fast or too slow, and praying the furnace works so the pipes don’t freeze.  It is a no-brainer, I want to see life as a child does.

Is it even possible?  I am not sure but I know one thing…I have to try. I believe it starts with an attitude adjustment.  An adjustment that sees the wonder in the simple things of life.  A start to dreaming again and wishing.  Sure I know it won’t all come true but it is still fun to do.  I am going to put down the iPad more and read magical books that transport me to magical places.  I’m going to start looking for the fun in life. I get to taking it all so serious at times, I’m not a brain surgeon.  I don’t generally make life or death decisions.  I can find the time to laugh a bit.  I am going to watch more kitten videos.  If anything can bring out the kid in me, it’s an adorable kitten video.

I’m so glad I watched that ad.  It reminded me that a good laugh is food for the soul.  I don’t know if I will ever find tearing paper to be laugh inducing, but given the right situation and attitude it just may be.

I always prided myself on being a northern girl.  All that is changing and it feels weird. I have written before in this blog about how North Carolina is changing me and changing my life. After only a few months here I really feel like I am home. Sitting in my apartment, drinking a Bud Light longneck, listening to Wagon Wheel (over and over as I tend to do) and watching the sun set behind the Great Smoky Mountains I feel comfortable in my skin for the first time in 54 years. 

There is a chill in the air and I don’t mean the temperature.  A smoothness to life down here that I cannot understand or comprehend. All I know is that I want it.  As I sat alone a few nights ago worrying about the next work day and pulling my fingernails off at the quick, I realized if I don’t let go of my old baggage nothing would change.  All the things I wanted to leave behind would show up here. Same problems, different location.

If I can part with almost all my physical stuff, why can’t I unload my emotional baggage too.  That’s when I realized some of my sadness of late was just because I was hanging on to things I no longer needed or wanted.  If I am going to make a really fresh start then I have to say goodbye to my old friends, fret and anxiety. We’ve been together a long time but there is no place for them here in the mountains. 

I had to take stock in my new life. I get to ride a train for work.  Yes, the work is demanding and stressful but only because I have made it that way.  I’m going to try to embrace my new life and start enjoying the work like I did when I first started.  When I started this job you could not wipe the smile from my face, then in a short time I started to feel the grind of it all. This has happened to every job I have ever held.  The joy runs out like the water from a leaky faucet.  I now realize that I brought that attitude with me. It followed me on the epic journey and it followed me to the mountains. I packed it right next to my toothbrush. Today I got rid of that bad attitude.  Hopefully, gone for good.

The other day at work I was walking on the rail to the car I was working on, mountains all around me, sun shining so bright it was hard to see, greetings from coworkers, and blue skies above.  I walked past the immensely large diesel train engine. I was dwarfed by the size of the old girl and it started to put everything into perspective.  I made my issues much larger than they actually were. Realizing that I’m just one piece of a much bigger puzzle made it easy for me to see the grind I felt was blown out of proportion. Then I noticed that the Diesel engine was dwarfed by the mountains.  And the mountains were dwarfed by the sky and so on. Today’s anxieties have no place in my life, they are dwarfed next to my joy.   Worrying never solved one problem anyway. 

For today I want to embrace this beautiful southern vibe.  I mentioned before that the mountains are healing me physically, now it’s time to let them heal me emotionally. I want to start chilling southern style.  Gone are the negative emotions from my previous life, here today is peace and joy blessed from God and extended to me from my new beautiful home.

I was working on the train the other day when there were a couple of small malfunctions.  It was a hot and steamy day in North Carolina and the drink machine went out of service in my car.  My co-workers quickly got on the problem and worked to correct it.  In the meantime, I explained the situation to my customers and promised a quick resolve. Out of my line of sight and barely audible I heard someone utter that saying sorry was a sign of weakness.  I thought nothing of the comment at the time as I scrambled to catch up on my schedule of tasks that was severely behind.

As I sat alone later that night the comment from earlier in the day flooded me.  I had been raised to value manners and to be respectful. Admittedly there have been times in my life where I may not have followed that path but those core values were always in my heart. In my older age, I see their value and strongly believe in the absolute importance of good manners.

Please, thank you, and you are welcome are all phrases I say often and with meaning. Not meaning them would be empty and fake.  When I speak these words, no matter how often, I do mean them. Saying that I am sorry is another thing I say, probably too much, but always heartfelt. When I apologized that day on the train, even though that particular issue was not of my doing, I still felt bad for the inconvenience and the sentiment, therefore, was real.

Was I being weak when I was polite?  Did I feel vulnerable as I spoke the apology?  I guess I felt a little out of control because of the situation but I doubted I felt weak.  Feeling weak is basically relative, in my estimation. Much of my life has been spent feeling inferior and, yes, weak.  The older I get the more strength and resolve I feel because I know who I am and what I believe as my truth.

Our society today is all about looking out for Number One, for climbing to the top of the heap and not caring who you walk over to get there.  I do not believe in those societal concepts. I still believe that a civilized society, hence the word civil, is a polite one and one that cares for fellow man.  I see people look at me with pity in their eyes like I am a wounded baby deer or some other small woodland creature. But my strength lies under the surface and can be utilized when necessary. I once was weak but now am strong because I understand my convictions and values. When those things were foggy to me, I was indeed weak  but no longer.  

Then I became sad when I realized that their are a lot of people who believe sorry is actually a sign of weakness. I am sad for them because that way of thinking, at least for me, would leave me feeling empty. One of my favorite songwriters, Bob Seger, sings a song about a “Beautiful Loser”.  He is polite, is the perfect guest and never worries about being second best. I relate to the guy in the song. I don’t need to be Number One. I don’t need all the attention the first fellow in line gets.  Does that make me weak?  No, I think it makes me strong because I rely on my self worth and life experiences to create my strength.  If others cannot see that fact there is nothing I can do about it. It is their perception not mine.

I am more determined than ever to be as polite as I can be.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with saying you are sorry about a situation and meaning it. So thank you for listening and I’m sorry if you do not agree but this is who I am and I will stand tall, albeit quietly.  I harken back to a gentler time when people were courteous to each other and looked out for one another. For that I will not apologize. 

I try to stay far away from debates about politics, current affairs and religion. There are so many other writers ready to chime in on those subjects.  Seems everyone today has an opinion and is willing to share it. My current lifestyle does not include live television or radio. I am a Netfix and Amazon kinda gal. I only heard about the Dallas shootings a day or so ago through Facebook. So you can see I’m not heavily connected.

But there is one thing I want to know….what’s going on in this world today?  I’m sure my understanding is at a child’s level as I am generally out of the loop. Was there a time when things were better, probably not.

For example, my older sister had cerebral palsy. Before I was born, my family lived in a decent-sized town where my sister could go outside onto the sidewalk and spend time outside. She also went to school. But  she was tormented by neighbor kids because she was disabled. Now this happened in the good old 1950s. The tormenting got so bad my parents packed up the family and moved to the country. There my sister no longer had the option to freely go outside, there were no sidewalks and the small country school was not equipped for disabled people. Those tormentors won some stupid unimportant battle against a disabled girl and her family. My mother often spoke of other parents of handicapped children who did not even let them leave the house for fear of torment.

 The good old days were not always good old days.  Bullies were everywhere.  Human intolerance has been around since day one.  Look at Cain and Abel. Jealousy, hate and envy tore that family apart.  

You would think that Hitler would have taught us a lesson or two of what not to be like. Yet our world seems to be going down a similar path today. I do not believe that anyone’s life is unimportant. They all matter, to coin a currently overused phrase.  But it is true. The rich politicians to the homeless family and everyone in between all have value. Yet we tend to see net worth or education levels as the criteria we use to judge value and respect.  Which is skewed because some of the upper level of people are known liars and dirty dealers. That does not mean their lives do not count just that the gold pedestal they sit on is tarnished.

Everyone fights for their own right which negates another persons rights. Every man for himself leaves no room for tolerance or respect for others. We hate God but that hate is tearing our society apart and is devaluing the person. People scream for change as long as it is good for them. 

As a former self-absorbed person I realize entitlement. My world revolved around me and me only.  I was so worried about me that other people were secondary. That is a hard thing to admit but true it is. Then the bottom fell out of my life and I started to see differently. I realized that my needs were not always the most paramount.  I began to see life through others people’s lives.  There are so many struggling right now, suffering in silence and living without hope. This probably always happened just now the scale of people affected is so much more.  So many people being disrespected.

I will admit it is difficult to love everyone. Some people seem unlovable. But maybe God meant that regardless a person should be shown respect.  Granted there are people so inherently evil they have not earned respect. I do not have an answer for that one. I guess I am talking about the person who works at the dollar store, or the person who gets your sandwich at lunch or any other number of people who may not have a high societal standing. Love them, not necessary. Respect them for their hard work, definitely. 

Maybe what the world needs is not love, but respect. I have learned that not everyone has to think like me. Not everyone has to share my views. But if we can respect one another we open the door to learn from each other. Then change can happen and maybe some of the hate will disappear.  I realize it is a simplistic concept for a very  complicated problem. Maybe it could be a start. 

I am a Christian and I want my religion to make me a better person. Jesus was not racist and He respected all people.  He had a beef with some but I don’t think it shut off His ability to still respect them. Oftentimes He sat with the lowly and discarded people because they had value and deserved respect. My goal is to be more like that.  No more judging a person on outward appearances. But by getting to know the person and paying them their due respect. Will it change the world and stop the violence?  No it will not. But it is a start and, honestly, I have no other ideas so I will do what I can to be kind and respectful to my fellow humans.  

This is just me feeling frustrated because I do not know how to change the world. Too much violence and not enough respect. Something has to give. 

I have lived days in want.

I have lived days in plenty.

I have lived days in plenty of want.

I could not understand, in my previous life, why there was always a huge hole inside of me.  I tried to fill it with things I thought I had to have.  The hole was never satisfied and I always found more things to want.  It was not until I finally realized what was missing that the hole disappeared.  I discovered a little thing called gratitude.

It was not things my soul craved.  The latest kitchen gadget did not satisfy my desires nor did any of the other must-haves that I bought fill the hole.  I had to lose most everything, except the absolute essentials, and then be thankful for what I had before it all made sense.  

As soon as I was no longer running after things in search of peace, that is when I found peace.  When I no longer longed for the bight and shiny things on television and in the stores, that is when I learned to be thankful for what I had. A funny thing happened then…I began to see the possessions I had left were more than I needed  and I was able to give more away to those who had less than me.  

So now not owning much, I feel like a queen with what I do have.  Before I had so much stuff and I felt like a pauper. That little change in my mindset has completely transformed my life from miserable to overjoyed.  Believe me it is difficult in our society to not get sucked into the thinking that this one more thing will finally make you happy.  I believed the lie for many many years and ran up so much debt.  No wonder I was not happy. It was like being on a treadmill all day, every day with a pretty bauble dangling in front of me  but never being able to obtain it.

Today, I am thankful for what I have and who I know.  Those are the things that make me a wealthy soul.  Mostly I am thankful for being thankful. Gratitude has made me a different person. One I can proudly look at in the mirror in the morning. I just wish it hadn’t taken me so long to find it!

It is funny how life’s curveballs can turn out to be the most amazing happenstances in your life.  Take North Carolina for instance. I never even thought about North Carolina. I vacationed in the Outer Banks some years ago.  I enjoyed myself but once NC was in the rear view I did not give it much thought. 

On my epic journey I dreamt of amazing places like Wyoming, California, Oregon and the like.  Wild places, so I thought, full of awe and wonder.  90% of my memories revolved around Ohio and I was ready to make some new incredible  memories in a land far away from the North Coast of Ohio.

Readers of this blog know that the epic journey turned out to be a different beast than what I thought it would be. I loved what I saw but that indescribable feeling I was looking for never made an appearance to me.  I was waiting to be totally transformed into the person I always wanted to be as if by magic.  Travel, I heard, changes you.  I waited for the change to wash over me to no avail.

Then I end up in the mountains of NC.  All I could see at first were horrible winding roads, no cell reception and brown trees everywhere. It was December and I guess I was expecting something else.  I came to NC expecting to not like it. I was going to put my time in and then go to a magical place….somewhere else.

Then a funny thing happened.  Winter, which was no where near winter in Ohio, turned to spring. The brown lonely looking mountains started to turn a million shades of green. The rivers started to flow and show off their white caps. The air warmed up.  Flowers and plants began to bloom.  The smokiness of the Blue Ridge Mountains went from a dreary appearance to one of awe and splendor.  

Unbeknownst to me, the mountains were healing me. Slowly I started to shed the depression that always accompanied me.  My anxiety was replaced with excitable anticipation of what the day would bring.  I used to shed tears of self-pity, now the tears flow as I look at the splendor that is North Carolina.  When I ride the train to the Nantahala Gorge, the landscape changes every day. The beauty is breathtaking.  Like a lover you could not stand at first, but then came to know and love, that is North Carolina to me.

As I sit in my apartment with the French doors open listening to birds sing and train whistles in the distance, I have come to realize the thing I never considered has become the thing I was aching for.  Thank you Smoky Mountains for opening my eyes and my heart to the possibilities.  North Carolina….who would have guessed?

Most of my life has been spent worrying. I worried that I would lose a loved on, lose my job, run out of money, have health issues, not have a place to live and the list goes on and on.  I worried about things that were possible and I worried about things that were totally improbable.  I lost sleep over the worries.  I made myself sick over the worries.  I missed many joys in life because I was constantly worrying about one thing or another.

I realize that some of the worries did actually come true and some never happened. I have experienced loss of people I loved and, less importantly, lost things.  I have been sick, weak and tired.  Anxiety has been a constant companion.  I have cried alone in the dark as well as in front of friends and strangers as well. There have been days of fire and rain.  I had days I did not think I would make it. But I did. The dark night turned into a day full of light and hope. I have made it through the other side many times by the grace of God.

It’s funny all the worrying did not help me cope or answer one of the problems. I am stronger for the trials but the worry did not add one positive to my life. Worry is like a persistent gnat that continually circles your head to the point of annoyance but with no real purpose.  I no longer want to waste precious time worrying about what might happen. If it happens, I will deal with it.  If it doesn’t happen, I will not have wasted another moment on it.

We all have inner courage that sometimes gets buried under all of life’s burdens and pain. That courage allows us to face the day and whatever it may bring with peace and grace. Once the worry stops, clearer thinking is more of a possibility.  With clearer thinking comes the ability to face our problems and life head on. No more nail biting and wasting time on the negative for me.

Here is to accessing my inner courage and learning to act in faith which brings peace and understanding.  Today I will stand tall, talk with confidence and will feel strong. Worry, be gone from my life today.

Love what you do and the money will come…it’s something I would tell myself on those days when I could not bear sitting behind a desk any longer.  But the saying  never really explained how to achieve it. I just figured that it was not meant for me seeing as the things I love to do (reading and sleeping, for example) are not real money makers.  I thought about writing and owning my own gift shop, both things I have done but no money ever really came.  I chalked it up to more personal failures. 

I kept looking at it through eyes that only saw the small picture.  Think outside the box seemed like a way to make it happen but once again the saying did not do much to explain.  I like to have instructions or, at the very least, a checklist of tasks in order to accomplish something .  As we all know, life doesn’t come with either.  

What I didn’t know was that the thing I love to do was not even something I would have known that I loved.  When I applied for the job on the train I had no idea it was going to be that thing for me.  In retrospect, I now realize that applying for the job was actually thinking outside the box.  Although I just thought it would be fun. 

Today I am awake before the alarm goes off and I hardly ever hit the snooze button.  I look forward to going to work, I enjoy what I am doing. There is not a lot of money involved but enough to live.  And you can’t really ask for more than that.  

I see now that it can be a reality…to love what you do and live on it.  The kicker is that the thing you love may not even be on your radar as a thing you love.  Harrison Ford was a carpenter for many years.  I wonder if he thought about acting as something he would love to do or was it just something that happened and he ended up loving it?  I do not really know but stories like that make me wonder.

Now I can see potentially other things that I might love to do when my season on the train is done.  Once the door is opened the possibilities are easier to view.  I am hoping to have a string of different jobs to help support myself and give me experiences I never even dreamt of.  If you were to ask me a year ago if it was possible to love your work, I would have said maybe for someone else.  Ask me today and I would say it’s possible for anyone who can see their own possibilities.