You may have noticed a quiet time on my blog.  It has been a while since I have written anything. I strangely have been at a loss for words.  I am not sure how that can happen but it did.  I spent last month working very hard on the train, serving and entertaining customers for nine or ten hours a day with little time off. It was grueling for me but I made it through. Then when it was over, I found I had nothing much to say.  I tried to write but the words didn’t come and when they did they fell flat.  That’s a real problem for a person who likes to write.

I guess it could be writer’s block but it manifested itself in my speech also.  I simply didn’t have anything to say.  I was unusually quiet. At this point in the blog, I have no idea where this is going so it ought to be interesting to see how it cones to fruition.

I have spent most of my life in this deep introspective mode where I analyze my actions, to compulsion, and I am constantly plotting my next move.  Always coming up with a plan which is guaranteed to bring me that mysterious thing I’m always searching for. Obviously, I have fallen short more times than not as, here I am today, still in search of my personal Holy Grail.  But yet today, I cannot seem to foster any images of a greater plan or a scheme of any kind.  It’s as if my mind is tired of all the  lists and excessive planning. My soul seems oddly at ease not worrying about every little thing.  The constant banter inside my head has disappeared. I tried to worry about the radio silence inside me but the worry left me like morning dew on a hot summer day, it just evaporated away.  

When I started the grueling schedule last month, I knew it was going to be one of the biggest challenges I have had to face in a long time. I knew myself and my many weaknesses and knew this schedule was going to test me not only physically but emotionally.  I had a few minor breakdowns and one major one but I got through it as best I could. I must have learned a lesson along the way about just giving up the worry about a situation and just plowing through, doing the task at hand and not caring about the rest. That’s so unlike me.

I had spent many weeks prior worrying about it, then when the time came to actually do what needed done, I went into auto pilot mode and focused on just the work and what I needed to do for myself to accomplish the goal.  I was, quite honestly, too tired to keep worrying. By the time I finished my 13 hour shift, I only had time to wash my uniform, eat and go to sleep before I had to get up and do it again and again.  Life was suddenly very simple, I only had time to worry about the essentials.

Life is so full of static and white noise.  Our attentions are constantly pulled in several directions at a time.  The mental lists we all have inside us include all the things we have to do, all the things we don’t want to do but must in order to be responsible adults and all the things we want to do.  Our internal lists are overwhelming. Some people can thrive on that kind of chaos but I don’t think we were meant to because there is no peace in the never ending chase of things to do.  Peace is gone from our world and has been replaced by activities and obligations.

Don’t get me wrong, we all have obligations that need filled and things we need to accomplish. But what if you can shave off a thing or two from the list?  There has to be something extraneous that can be removed. Scratch it off, don’t care if it’s not complete, and quit worrying about it.  Would that simple act make life more peaceful?  Probably not, but what if you could eventually scratch off several non-important things off the list and were able to focus just on the essentials; would that bring peace?  I think it might.

For one month, my focus became very clear with very little room for variation.  I did not have time or energy to worry about the myriad of things that probably would never happen.  As part of my own self-preservation I tuned out anything that was not important and in doing so I found an odd peace inside me that I have never known before.  Today as I sit here analyzing it, I realize that I can’t because I don’t want to go back to being that old person I was. I finally know what silence sounds like. I finally know what it’s like to not bite my nails to the quick for worrying. I finally feel what it’s like to be still.

It took something very difficult for me to find this place. I see now that I have been searching and looking when all I needed was to see focus in my life, to live with the essentials and forego the rest.  Maybe now that I understand what has happened the words will come back to me.  Not just any words, but words with meaning and clarity.  Maybe my life was the writer’s block and now the words and ideas free to come forth and multiply.  I don’t know for sure. This is still weird for me but I can feel the quiet and I like it. Maybe this is an example of losing something in order to gain something better.  Again, per usual, I don’t have the answers but I’m starting to truly understand the question.

Mix one part determination (AKA stubbornness) with one part wide-eyed innocence.  Then add heathy doses of help from your friends and lots of prayer.  This recipe helped me through a very difficult time.

The month of October kicked my butt. The train I worked on went to double shifts (12-13 hour days) with multiple days in a row and we lost some valuable co-workers so we were short handed. I’m older and not in the best physical condition so the workload proved to be difficult but I did get through it. Here is how:

I like to call it determination but it is really that I am very stubborn. I hate to admit defeat so I kept going long after I should have admitted I was done. In my alone times, I threaten to quit but that stubborn side of me just kept going.

Not fully understanding what is happening, or wide-eyed innocence, also helps.  I believed it could never get as bad as everyone told me it would, that helped me move forward. I did not believe the stories of Octobers past.  My innocence told me that my experience was going to be totally different. It wasn’t but I didn’t realize it until much later.

I got so exhausted that one night I forgot how to open my car door to go home.  I had times where I felt like I was the walking dead.  I cried uncontrollably for days.  Then came the big meltdown. With one week to go I went into work and completely lost my composure. I started to hyperventilate, spewed a continual line of “f” bombs and went straight into panic attack mode.  I was exhausted and completely overwhelmed. The thought of standing up in front of another group of 44 strangers and acting like everything was fine was more than I could bear.  

I never worked 70+ hour weeks before. To some people that may not be a big deal but I was crushed. That’s when the last parts of the recipe kicked in.  Having always considered myself a loner, I learned the absolute, unwavering truth about being part of a group.  My co-workers, now my friends, got me through the hard times.  They freely showered me with encouraging words, an abundance of hugs, a helping hand when I could not perform a task and many shoulders to cry on.  It was because of them I made it through to November in one piece. 

I find myself remembering that when I got to Bryson City and to this job, I knew no one here. I was starting a whole new life completely different from the last one I had.  These people welcomed me freely and completely.  Over the last several months we went from co-workers to friends to family. I know now that is what gets you through the tough times and makes the good times even better.  

The last part of the recipe, which should really be the first part, is prayer.  Prayer for strength and guidance gave me the tools I needed to successfully accomplish getting through the dark nights. The hope that the sun will rise on a new day becomes the expectation. 

I know people who have gone through much worse things and I am not saying this challenge is the worst thing that could ever happen.  I have had harder personal challenges than this myself but this challenge changed me. Just like most of my journey of late, I’m coming out the other side a different person. I have learned the value of a strong belief system and the power of human contact. My life is forever changed because of the people I have met either casually or long term.  I will never again consider myself a loner able to move through life untouched and unaffected by others. It is those handprints on my soul that have made me grow, change and learn to love life. I’m just sorry it took me so long to find out the truth.

Did you ever notice how life has a way of kicking you square in the pants?  Things are going along smoothly and out of nowhere all sorts of bumps in the road appear.  In an attempt to get through the rough times your heart seems to harden a little bit. It is as if every curveball in life takes away something from your soul. At least that is my experience.  

The last few weeks have been very trying for me. I was not as gracious as I would have like to have been. I became very frustrated and quickly turned into a raging, foul-mouthed monster.  In just a few weeks I forgot how to be human. I didn’t kick puppies or anything like that but my sight got clouded and bitterness lingered in my mouth.  I was not as nice to people as I should have been and my words were peppered with anger. I thought I left that person behind but she appeared again.  That makes me incredibly sad.  I don’t like her but she must be a part of me.  
Today I was standing next to the Nantahala River.  A river, by the way, I love.  If I take the time to revere this river I find peace from its beauty. I became mesmerized by the running water, the calming sounds, and the cool breeze that came off the cool water.  Instantly my heart began to soften again. Just then I noticed a beautiful yellow butterfly, so delicate as it flew with the air currents.  Tears filled my eyes as I looked at the natural wonders all around me.  I started to remember that my sojourn was about finding a peace inside me. I had fallen into some old habits and I was instantly miserable again.

I began to realize that finding peace is only part of the equation. Keeping it is another. Finding peace can be fleeting, while keeping it takes a lot of work.  My heart has been hard before and those are some of my darkest times.  Times that made me strong but also times I was not a good person.  It is those dark nights that make us who we are during the light of morning. I just have to remember that the dark nights do not last forever.  They are temporary and I need to guard my heart from the ravages those times can inflict.

Never again do I want to miss a beautiful butterfly or ignore songs being sung by birds. I thought once I found peace it would stay with me but the truth is peace needs to be cultivated like a delicate flower; tended to on a regular basis. 

I must not let life’s unexpected turns throw my heart and soul into hardened mode.  A soft and loving heart is worth working for. It’s what makes us human and makes this a better place to live. Bitterness and anger are too easy to hold onto. It is far too easy to fall into negative habits.  Self-pity is so much fun to wallow in, but nothing good ever comes from it.  Peace, on the other hand, breeds beauty and love. Two things we need more in this world, if you ask me.

Today I was lazy.  I had no expectations of the day and I made no apologies.  I have been working hard and I am learning that on those infrequent and glorious days off that one can be lazy.  I got up late.  Ate breakfast.  Did the few chores on my to do list and spent the rest of the day reading and binge watching Entourage.  Did I feel bad about my lack of inactivity?  Yes, at first.  Then I realized how rejuvenating the down time felt.  

My old life certainly did not allow for laziness whatsoever.  Don’t get me wrong, I had days where my only movement was using the remote to switch to a new episode of whatever show I was obsessing about at the time.  But during those times, money was tight due to all the debt I had, I always had things to tend to in the hopes of making a few extra dollars and the amount of housework grew faster than I could keep up with.  I had too much stuff and it always required my attention. So lazy days filled me with overwhelming guilt. 

I used to dream of what it would feel like to be out from under the drowning weight of all the stuff, all the possessions.  I dreamt of how freeing it must be to not be owned by things.  I really had no idea what it would actually be like.  I imagined days free to write or read with no guilt.  I wished for a day when I could do very little and enjoy the heck out of it without feeling like a total slacker.  

Finally I am to a point where those dreams have come true and it’s better than I could have imagined.  Before,  work was so taxing because of all the pressures I had that I could not enjoy my work or my off time. Without the stuff or the burden of stuff I can actually enjoy work, free time and lazy days.  Now I’m not talking about never doing anything on my days off; I’m talking about a day once in a while full of naps, good books, movies, or whatever one gets pleasure from. To be able to enjoy sitting in the sun reading a book (ok, I never sit in the sun or outside for that matter, I meant it metaphorically) without feeling pulled by the never ending to do list.

Without all the stuff I can keep up with chores even better than I ever could which affords me a lazy day here and there. This was my first lazy day without guilt in years. I did not plan it, it just happened. Man, it felt good!

I now see the importance of being lazy on occasion. It refreshes the soul and rejuvenates the body.  I used to think it was wrong to not be busy all the time.  No wonder I felt burned out every day.  My body was tired and my soul was malnourished.  It’s no wonder I was rarely ever happy and sick all the time.  No room to be lazy = being sick and tired.

I certainly enjoyed my day full of nothingness. I am looking forward to the next one.  I believe it may be a while but now that I have had a taste of that freedom, I will enjoy it more and without guilt. 

“He wants to dream like a young man with the wisdom of an old man.
He wants his home and security.  He wants to live like a sailor at sea.”
These are words from Bob Seger’s song, Beautiful Loser. A song that has had me questioning my life since I heard it in the 70s.  How many of us want both sides of a coin?  I have always struggled with the contradictions that have made up my life.  I have to live a quiet life for my sanity but I love to get rowdy on occasion to make sure I still have a pulse.  I try to take the high road during confrontation but I can get as gutter as the next guy.  I hate bright lights but I’m still afraid of the dark.  I hate violence but love hit man movies. I want to live near the edge but I want to also play it safe.  

I never knew how to categorize myself. Good girl or bad girl. I used to believe that I could only be one or the other.  But over the years I have figured out that I need both sides in order to be complete.  For the most part my party days have partied on down but I still have a need to shake things up a little bit.  

The contradictions were more pronounce when I was younger and trying to figure out who I was. I truly struggled with the concept of being one thing or another.  I found good girl me to be rather a bore and bad girl me a bit too abrasive (especially when mixed with alcohol.)  Yet I could never get the two to meet in the middle.  So I would end up going off half cocked in one direction but was never happy with myself.

Humans are a complex lot. I think we all want the contradictions in life to show their faces.  If we didn’t have those multiple personalities we would be one dimensional.  We need all our sides in order to be real, genuine human beings. I was never more unhappy as when I was trying to be just one thing.  You have to just let it go and be true to yourself. 

Yes, I like my music loud but my conversations soft.  I like to be a little hip while I’m being a nerd.  I am learning to love both sides of me; the soft side and the harder side.  They can now work together, instead of fighting one another, to make me a complete person. I no longer have to pick a side, I can adjust according to the situation and let out the appropriate me.  This has allowed me to become a more real, more at ease person. I did not always like myself because I did not always approve of my own behavior. But now I have learned to embrace all the contradictions in my life. They are the color in a normally black and white world. 

It’s all the experiences we encounter in life that make us who we are. I used to try and hide certain sides of me, now I love them all for I would be a very boring person without all the quirks.  Yes, Mr. Seger, I will take Beautiful Loser over the alternative any day.

Dear Younger Me,

I’m writing this letter to tell you that I am still muddling through the messes you made.  I’m still trying to become that person you dreamed you would be all those years ago.  Here is some advice I wish I would have taken when I was your age.

Respect yourself.  You were so full of insecurities, you never learned about respect.  I know that is why you did so many stupid things. You were trying, at all costs, to fill the hole in your soul. You just went about it in the wrong ways.  Every person should show themselves respect and give respect to others. 

Forget about boys and hit the books.  Girl, boys will come and boys will go, but education is yours forever.  I’m not saying give up boys all together. Just wait for the right one to come along. The man who compliments who you are. He is worth waiting for!  In the meantime, learn all you can about everything.  You used to think being smart was stupid (not great logic there), but knowledge opens the world to you.  You can travel to places and times, meet amazing people and explore avenues you never knew existed.  You should have paid attention in school, life would have been easier for us if we had learned a little bit back in the day.  

Don’t give a hoot what people think of you.  You were always so afraid of other’s opinions of you that it paralyzed you to the point you could barely function in any kind of social situation.  You never really learned to talk to anyone.  Once we learned to do that, we got to know people and heard their stories.  Life became much richer and a lot more interesting.  Not caring about what others think helps you grow as a person, an authentic person.

Take care of yourself.  You never learned good eating or exercising habits.  You can get by on that at 14, but at 54 it is a real issue.  Eating Cap’n Crunch for dinner was easy then but no so good for us now.  These are tough habits to learn this far down the road. I’m still working on it but you maybe should have considered it sooner.

Turn off the television and go outside.  Your hatred for all things nature has been a hinderance all these years. Bugs are not all bad.  Worms can’t penetrate your skin (I know you used to think that).  Nature is actually quite nice.  Living your life through Marsha Brady did absolutely nothing to help you as a person.  You should have gone outside more.

Quit being afraid of everything. You spent way too much time locked in that over-active imagination of ours.  The outlandish things you feared amaze me.  Did you know all those fears followed us in adulthood and only got worse.  Overcoming the fears and the insecurities has taken all of our life.  I wish I would have been more fearless at your age.  It would have opened up so many more doors for us.

Things will not make you happy and learn to save money.  That gapping hole in your soul will not be fixed by buying things.  Stuff will just end up owning you and bringing more unhappiness.  Learn to save money, give to those in need and live with less….lots less!  You cannot buy happiness.

Have faith in God’s grace.  You were so busy being mad at Him that you replaced His peace with your own brand of chaos.  You knew no kind of peace most of your life. Worry was your god.  That is very sad.

I know that I have been a little rough on you.  I just wish I had actually gotten this letter at your age.  Life would have been completely different. Guess what?  It hadn’t been all bad.  Yes, you made monumental mistakes but you learned….eventually.  All the problems served to make you who we are today.  I guess that’s not so bad.  I give you a lot of grief and blame a lot on you.  You were just a lost kid trying to find your way.  I get it now.  

We are getting better and that’s what counts, right?  Glad you hung in there. I don’t know what I would have done without you. Take care and be strong.  You are going to need it.

Love,

Your Older Self

P.S.  The world does not revolve around you.  Look outside yourself…that’s when the magic happens!

Everyone who lived through 9/11 has a story to tell.  We all remember where we were that morning and how much fear and sadness was felt.  There are many other writers who will give this anniversary a much better telling than I ever could.  But the date still effects me.  I think of all the lives lost and all the lives changed….forever.  I love America and I am honored to live here but I am still sad.  

During times of crisis we pull together, that’s what Americans do. But today seems as we are pulling the very fabric of our world apart with hatred, entitlement, and lack of spiritual center.  I do not claim to have any answers; I’m as lost as anyone.  But it seems we, as a society, have lost something of utmost importance.  It could be respect, kindness, empathy…the keys that make human beings more evolved, for lack of a better word.

Although history tells the story of mankind being full of anger, rage and injustice.  It all started shortly after the beginning of time. One bite of an apple and it was all downhill.  Groups of people, all nationalities and genders, enslaved and treated unjustly. We learn about the atrocities in school, see them played out for entertainment in movies, read about them, and even lived through a few. Yet, here we are today, fifteen years after the most catastrophic world event my generation ever lived through, and I do not feel we are any closer to even living slightly in harmony.  

I know there are bad people out there plotting bad things to do to their fellow humans.  There are people who feel so oppressed that they feel killing is their only answer. I don’t know how to deal with those issues.  I can barely make it through a day sometimes, let alone know how to fix that.  I struggle with the thought of working on yourself and your world as a way of making a difference. Can that really work in this day and age?  I can only hope so.  Small changes don’t seem like enough to me, but it’s all I have and all I can do.  I cannot institute international policies or stop the bad things from happening.  I can only work to be a better person to those around me and hope it spreads.  I can pray for peace and resolution and have faith that it will change.

9/11 was a life-changing event that has, forever, changed our worldview. We are all a little more suspicious and fearful.  Uncertainty has become a close companion to all of us.  In the back of our minds we wonder if or when it will happen again. Many have said this before me, but our innocence was lost fifteen years ago. You just never get that back and that is a sad, sad thing to live with.  I’m helpless to make it all better, but I can work on myself. I can be a better person and I can turn back to God.  

I will be completely honest.  God and I have had our share of moments.  I was mad at Him for years, I doubted Him and I lived a life against Him.  During those times, I was a horrible human being.  I had no regard for anyone but me.  Part of my journey was to try to find God again with a clean slate, without as much of the baggage as I could get rid of.  I’m slowly reconnecting and it makes me want to be better. Without Him, I am truly nothing.  I know a lot of people disagree with any religious stance, but I am living in God’s grace today and I know it’s different.  Apart from God I was more like the world than I even care to admit.  With Him, I do see hope for today and for the future.  Feel free to disagree with me, but in my mind pulling closer to God is my way of changing my world.  And that is all I can do.  

My thoughts and prayers are with those people personally affected by the events of 9/11.  I can never understand their pain and loss.  I can only hope that their pain is not felt in vain or that their losses are ever diminished.  I pray we continue to learn from this event and strive to be better.

It is no secret that I have a serious crush on Dean Winchester.  It’s been going on for almost nine years now.  Never heard of him?  He is one of the brothers on the CW show, Supernatural.  

And I have actually learned a few things from Dean (yes, I am aware he is a fictional character).  

10.  Classic rock is still the best music.  Having grown up in the seventies myself, classic rock holds a special place in my heart.  Dean’s most famous quote…”driver picks the music…shotgun shuts his cake hole.”  Words to live by.

9.  Bacon cheeseburgers, ice cold beer and pie, of any kind, are enough to keep one alive and happy.  They are his favorites and happen to be mine too!

8.  Love and take care of your ride.  Baby is Dean’s 1967 Chevy Impala.  Baby is more than just a car, she is family. Devi is the same to me.  Devi provided me with the ability to even consider my epic journey.  I’ve slept in her, eaten in her and pretty much lived in her.  She is my safety net and I’m lucky to have her.

7.  No matter the job at hand always do your best.  Dean fights monsters and overall evil.  Sometimes he wins and sometimes he loses.  That is how life works, one day you are in top of the world and the next you are at the bottom of the heap.  The outcome doesn’t matter as much as the effort you put into it.  Dean takes his victories where he can and that is a great lesson to learn.

6.  Minimalistic living relieves the burden of stuff.  Dean has lived on the road since he was a young boy.  He has not accumulated a lot of possessions.  After watching the show a while, I started to think about lightening my own load.  This where I got the idea that if it doesn’t fit in the car, I do not need it.  This lesson has served me well so far.

5.  Family does not end in blood.  Most of Dean’s family have been killed by evil things.  But friends are his new family. Just because they are not blood, doesn’t mean the are not family.  Dean would do anything for his brother Sam, he has died for him a couple of times.  He would also die for those friends he considers family.  Family means everything and I agree.  Sometimes we are lucky enough to create our own family.

4.  Dean has been nomadic all his life, he knows nothing but the road.  Watching the show before my journey made me long for a life on the road which I was able to ultimately enjoy.  He never stays in one place too long.  We share a passion for the road.

3.  Dean has self-esteem issues.  He has never seen his real value as a human being.  He never feels he is worthy of good things happening to him.  He is heavily laden with a lot of guilt from his past.  I can relate completely.  Guilt and low self-esteem have plagued me all my life. To see him struggle with the same issues, has help my personal struggle. 

2.  Dean does not strive for success in the terms we have grown accustomed to, such as money, power or prestige. Those things do not matter (he does need enough money to live).  He has no aspirations of great fame. He knows he will be a mostly unknown person and he is comfortable with that.  Outer accolades no longer interest me either.  Life is simpler when you no longer strive for those things.  Knowing in your heart you did your best in a situation is the best reward.

1.  Dean may have questioned Gods presence in the past but not any longer.  I may have questioned God also from time to time, but now I see Him in the mountains and the streams.  I can see His hand in my life. That knowledge has been a game-changer for me.  I look at my actions differently now.  I don’t want to be the same screw up I have been before. I know want to be a better person because I know God. I think Dean feels the same.  

Those are the things I have learned from a fictional character.  It may seem silly to take life lessons from someone who does not even exist.  But in the same way a painting, a song, or words from a book can change you, so can a fictional television character.  Inspiration can come from many places and if it stirs something in you to strive to be better, than the source matters not.  Some of this list is light hearted, but some of it speaks to basic human conditions.   For that I am thankful.

Here is a shout out to Jensen Ackles who brought this character to life, to Eric Kripke for creating him and to the writing staff who breathe life into him every week.  Here are to all the unusual places one can find solace and inspiration. 

It is a weird thing when a random memory pops into your head.  Depending on the memory, all kinds of emotions can come flooding back. I recently had a memory fill my brain. It was something I had forgotten about.  

As a child, I pretty much went everywhere with my dad.  The shooting range, poker games, biker bars just to name a few interesting places I visited as a youth.  I can remember doing my homework on the bar of one of the worst pubs in our area. No one ever bothered me and I got to drink as much Coke as I wanted.  I never worried because I knew my dad, even if he was off doing something else, always had eyes on me.  I was as safe in a bar as I was in a church pew.

Many times he and I stayed out later than might have been considered prudent for a young girl.  Late nights racing cars at the local drag strip or the very late night, aforementioned, poker games meant driving home in the dark of night.  This may be hard for young people to understand but back in the seventies am radio (that’s usually what we had in the car, not fm) cut their transmission power by half at nine pm.  When this happened you could be listening to a song and then just static.  On a really clear night you might be lucky enough to pick up a Detroit station or you were stuck with static. 

When I was young, I was deathly afraid of the dark.  Not much has really changed on that front over the years.  I love my she cave to be dark, but there is just something so uncertain about the great outdoors in the dark.  My young mind would come up with all kinds of scary scenarios. I was seriously terrified. 

The memory that came back to me had me sitting in the passenger seat of my dad’s car, listening to the radio as the sun started to go down.  My head pressed against the passenger side  window watching the scenery pass by.  Street lights were not that common out in the country.  As the sun descended and darkness covered my world I could feel a twinge of fear run up my back.  Then the radio would go to static and mix with the hum of the tires as they met the road.  The darkness and the noise combined to create a surreal feeling.  My world went black and white like an old episode of The Twilight Zone.

I would try to get small so if anything was out there it might not notice me.  The darkness also brought cooler temperatures and my breathe would start to fog the car window where my head would lay.  I would be transfixed on the warm and safe glows of lights from houses we passed.  I longed to be in one of them rather  then a sitting duck on a lonely country road.  I was genuinely afraid…not just once but whenever I was out at night.  Then Dad would roll up our driveway and I knew safety was close now. I would jump out of the car and run as fast as I could into the garage to turn a light on. Once safely inside, I would be so thankful the monsters in my imagination did not get me. 

The other day I was driving at night and had the radio on. In the mountains, it is not uncommon to lose radio signals.  That’s exactly what happened.  The road grew dark, the music disappeared replaced by static and the car grew colder.  I got the same chills up my spine that I got as a child. And I started to remember all those nights as a young girl. One thing was different.  My very tall, very protective father was not in the car with me.  His presence made me feel safe even when disaster could happen at any time.  I thought about him that night and I calmed right down.  Not to say he was riding shotgun or anything, but I think I remembered those times in order to remember the other component, my father’s presence.

I no longer have my dad by my side but I do have my Holy Father who watches over me.  I forget sometimes that even when I feel alone and afraid that my Heavenly Father is close to me.  I need to cling to him on those dark nights and I will be okay.  Funny how that realization came from a seemingly random childhood memory. I need to remember both my Dad’s and their love for me no matter how dark the night.