When will it end…

Here’s my thought process on the way home from a typical day at work:

Did I say anything that upset anyone? Usually think of at least two possibilities.

Did I do everything right today? Then I start counting all the mistakes I knew I made. And think of a few more I hadn’t considered.

When I started to get overwhelmed (as I always do) did I show my frustration? I know I got pissy because I always do. Then I start thinking about who I need to apologize to.

Did I forget to do anything? I have my planner which has to do lists for my job so I don’t forget anything but I almost always end up forgetting something.

I rethink every single conversation of the day…were my words right, was my tone friendly, was I overly friendly, did I show how exhausted I am, and what could I have said better?

That’s just on the way home. By the time I actually get home, one or two things are really starting to fester. Now I’m obsessing and I can’t enjoy anything because I’m in replay mode and the repeat.

If I’m lucky the thoughts will finally subside. Then I fall into bed exhausted and fearful of what tomorrow will bring. Then about 1 am I wake up with a start, heart beating out of my chest and the thoughts of conversations or actions from upwards of 40 years ago start racing through my head.

Sleep is a distant memory by then.

I’m so tired of living like this. Worrying about every detail. Fretting over what I did wrong today? Scared that I upset someone and they won’t like me? Overwhelmed by all the obsessions.

That is truly how I live every day. I worry, then I worry some more, then I think of new things to worry about and end up worrying about what I forgot to worry about.

I am working at getting better. It actually was much worse. But it’s still bad and I need to stop before I get lasting sick over it all.

My mind asks the question….so you want to be a good person, how do you set boundaries and still be a good person?

I am proud to be a Christian, but does that mean I have to be a doormat for everyone’s feet? Can I still care for people and not be a people pleaser? How do I get control of my life and lose the obsessions?

This is my new journey. There are so many things to consider. It is not like I want to stop being a people pleaser so I can become a jerk….but my mind only sees the two options. I know there are more.

I’m miserable at times because I just cannot seem to lighten my unnecessarily heavy load. I put this one me and I need to fix it.

If you live like this, I’m sorry. It’s difficult as well as misunderstood. I’m going to try to figure a way to get better.

This is my quest…

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