I woke up this morning simply starving (not really, but extremely hungry). I walked into my very blessed kitchen to find absolutely nothing to eat. My stomach was really unhappy.
Oh I had food, just nothing that I could eat instantly. I could made eggs and toast, oatmeal, a smoothie or any number of other delicious dishes. But I would have had to make something. Since the Covid lockdown, I have started making my own dishes.
We used to eat out a lot. Or I would by something premade at the grocery store. Now I invest (money and health) in ingredients and not convenience.
We have made the commitment to not eat out and to eat more wholesome homemade meals. It has been life changing for our health and for our wallets. The amount we used to spending eating out, literally, makes me ill. Now I know why we were always broke and I was always sick.
But what about this morning. I’m low on energy and frankly patience. As I sit here pondering my options (in which time I could have made something already), I think about life in general.
My younger days were spent filling the never-ending hunger I felt inside. I fed myself lots of stuff that I could not afford, I feed myself alcohol and I feed myself with quick, easy and unhealthy food. The problem with all these things and many other self-medications is that the hunger never gets satisfied.
I was seriously addicted to food as a way to comfort myself. As I was eating an entire box of some unhealthy fare, I was thinking about when I would be able to do it again. So even as I was self-medicating I was already looking for the next time. Alcohol and smoking were the same. Always left unsatisfied and wanting more.
Buying things seemed like a safer way to feel better until the bills came that I could not afford. Then came the years of trying to outrun the wolves at the door. Shuffling money around, buying more things, eating more and secretly and drinking more. This went on for years and years. And I was still hungry.
I look back at those chaotic times and wonder how I ever got so far gone…so completely lost. My moral compass was broken, my inner bs was running the show and I was weak.
It took a complete life change to figure It out and years to implement. I was sick inside and out. I was so very tired. As John Mellencamp so eloquently put it, “life goes on..long after the thrill of living is gone.”
Today, although still a work in progress, I am centered more in my faith. God keeps me seeing what is really important. If you think that is a ridiculous concept, you are welcome to that opinion. But to me, it is not up for debate. I have thrown away many of the old crutches I used and am walking, albeit slowly, on my own. I’m working on myself.
I fell short a bit this week. That happens. We are all flawed. Life itself is flawed. But I’m just going to pick myself up, and try to be better today. That’s all I can do. Be a better person, for me there is no loftier cause.
As for today’s hunger, I won’t let it consume me. I’ll go to the kitchen and make an egg or two with some fresh veggies and that will nourish my body and my soul. Taking it slow and doing the right work is my fix today. It sure beats other addictions I live with.
I hope you find your truth and your peace today. I hope it’s not found in things but inside of you.