As you may know from reading my blog, I have struggled with being bi-polar and with OCD. My younger years were brutal. Age and knowledge have helped me deal better with these things.
I hated the manic times, as they were the worst. My brain was always in the mode of finding something to make me feel better. I just wanted to feel better. My energy levels were unusually high during these periods of time. I would overextend myself thinking that I had found the cure for what was wrong…something that had no name at that time. I knew about depression as I had been dealing with that since my youth. The manic part, I used to think, was when I thought I was better. How foolish one can be in their ignorance.
During the manic times, I could not stop talking. I was, in retrospect, thinking out loud and hoping for the approval I was desperately seeking. Silence was the enemy during those times. Looking back, I cannot imagine how annoying it must have been to hear my constant ramblings. To hear about my newest plan to get better. But I could not be quiet.
I regret the alienation I caused from friends and family. I thought I was upbeat and clever. I had no filter whatsoever at the time. Any thought that entered my mind, no matter the randomness, it came flying out of my mouth. I was trying so hard to be normal but without a roadmap showing what normal was.
When I started this blog I thought the physical trip I was going to take was my epic journey. I could not have been so incorrect. The trip facilitated the real journey but it was not the actual path to what I was looking for…wellness, peace and forgiveness where the milestones I so desperately sought.
Completely leaving behind my old life, as I look back, may have been a bit of overkill. But I think I needed a full-on exorcism of the old. I, no matter what I tried, could not unbound myself from my past and all that came with it. The constant roller coaster ride had taken its toll on me. If I had not been so drastic in my actions, I honestly do not know if I would have survived. It was dire there at the end.
The complete change gave way to the me I was looking for. I found that person on the road during a very difficult journey but one so full of blessings.
Age seems to be a factor also. Where I used to never be quiet now I use my new found love of silence to observe and analyze my surroundings. I can think one thought at a time without the constant battle of multiple thoughts vying for their place in my mind.
The saying is that silence is golden is an understatement for me. In a time where everyone feels compelled to speak their mind and make a stand on every single issue, I am enjoying my personal silence with the occasional written outburst.
Dealing with my lack of mental health has finally facilitated some peace and wellness. I had always that I knew what “crazy” looked like but I was wrong. I only needed to look in the mirror to see it.
My silence is healing me somehow. I still have my moments, but I am learning to love the quiet and the stillness.
If you feel like something is wrong, find someone you trust and get help. So many people suffer alone. This is not the time for silence. Get help. Feeling better is so much better than feeling bad. Help is out there!
God loves you where you’re at, sings over you, and calls you Beloved. It’s taken me a long time to know that. Life is a journey, as Colton Dixon sings. We’ll see joy, we’ll see regrets… Oh but He has been God with us through all of it! Hugs cousin!
Thank you for the kind words. I’m very blessed to have known God since I was 16. He carried me through the darkest of nights. I cannot begin to imagine how things may have turned out if I had not known Him. I am very blessed to have made it through. Thank you always for your support and love!