I’m a marshmallow.   I try to be all bad-ass but the reality is I’m all soft and gooey.  I found that out during my last failed job.  Way back in the beginning of this blog, I wrote a post about all the failures I’ve had in my life, there are many.  My last job at the casino can now be added to the list.  I was a complete and utter failure.  The reason being that I’m not as tough as I thought I was.

As I stated in a previous post about customer service, the casino environment took me by surprise.  It is a clash of cultures, genders and classes.  It is not a overtly happy place unless you are winning.  If you are losing, it can be a place full of despair and regret.  I, myself, have lost money there that I did not have to lose.  Luckily, I’m way too cheap to gamble too much. The feeling as you walk out of the building without so much as enough money for lunch from the dollar menu is a sad feeling.  Regret hits hard because no one made you lose all your money, you freely do it with no further recourse. This puts a strain on the average person who may not have the extra money to lose.  This comes across in their treatment of the employees.  That’s when I learned about my true self.

Being yelled at, talked down to or completely ignored hurt.  I should have been able to shrug it off but each infraction cut me like a knife.  Had I been a little more thick-skinned, as they say, I may not have noticed.  I know as a child and young person, I was extremely sensitive to people’s words and actions.  I put on an abrasive front at times just to try to protect myself.  Unfortunately, that didn’t help as much as you would think.  As I got older and life kicked me a bit, I thought myself to have finally toughened up the soft, thin skin that was me.  Then came this job and I realized after crying inside, as well as outside, that the progress I thought I had made was not quite my reality.

I had to make a decision.  Stay and maybe harden up a bit or leave with my tail between my legs while keeping my soft, gooey center in tact.  I chose to stay marshmallow-like.  I do not really want to harden my interior.  My exterior could use a little toughening up but I’m not sure that will ever happen either. I find the softness of spirit keeps me human. There have been times when my personal wall was so thick, and I tried everything I could not to hurt anymore that I lost touch of my humanity.  Those are not fond memories and I would rather be hurt than do the hurting.

As sit here and contemplate my latest failure, I realize the failure would have been if I had stayed and rebuilt my personal wall.  The victory was actually deciding that the fit was not good and cutting loose early enough to maintain my soft, gooey center.  It may appear that I am weak because I’m not hardened but if that’s the case, I want to continue to be weak.   It helps me be empathetic.  It helps me understand human struggles.  It helps me care about my fellow human beings.  

So for today I will celebrate my inner marshmallow.  I am blessed that the management team at the scenic railroad allowed me to return for another season.  I now truly appreciate them and my passengers who treat me well.  I had to step away from the train environment to realize just how lucky I am to fit in some place and that I’m able to use my soft, gooey center to help someone have a good day.  I took that for granted but not anymore.  Here’s to being a marshmallow!