Routes

Defining Finding Center

This blog speaks a lot to “finding center.” I am sure that phrase means many different things to many different people. Some people may equate this with “finding yourself.” I am not sure if the definition for me fits any particular square peg, but I thought I would define finding center for me.

For me finding center means: finding time to be with God and spending time in His word, having enough attention span to actually enjoy reading a book or cross stitching a pattern, listening to the breeze through the trees without the prerequisite television on in the background, learning a new skill, looking at the day for what it is, finding time to exercise just because it is good for me, and enjoying the journey, to name a few things.

My life has become a series of events/tasks to check off in a planner. Over the years I have found that I constantly make lists and then work for that red checkmark I place next to the task that is complete, then it is on to the next task. That is all fine and good and it makes sense when you are working at a goal. But when it becomes the only way you can live, joy and wonder have left the building.

You read the sayings that tell you to enjoy the journey, and that life is not about the destination but the steps it takes to get there. I have lost that ability, or maybe never had it to begin with. My life focuses on getting from Point A to Point B then Point C. I have no idea how to enjoy the journey. I need those red checkmarks in my life to know that I am actually doing something. One day, a few years ago, I realized that I no longer wanted to live just for red checkmarks.

That is what this trip is about for me. I have tried other ways to “enjoy the journey” but they have not worked. I enjoyed the journey starting with a to-do list that required red checkmarks to show how much I was enjoying the journey.   As you can imagine, that technique got me nowhere.

I am not saying that it is bad to have to-do lists. They have suited me very well in the past, but now that I am older I do not want to be quite so regimented. With that realization comes the fact that I know no other way to live by what my planner says. My heart told me that I needed to do something fairly radical to get my life to center and that is what this trip is about.

This trip is definitely about the journey and all the amazing things I am going to see along the way. I spend my time in the car now just watching things, people and experiences zoom by on my way to my destination. I see everything from the perspective of the rear view mirror. Even if I am interested, it is too late as the experiences is already gone.

I think technology is fine, I am not ready to turn Amish but for me it has made me impatient and full of anxiety. How many times have we all stood in front of the microwave mad because it is taking so long? How much anxiety is created because you never seem to get “it” all done in day, a week, a month or even a year? Road rage and depression are by-products of our modern life. I just want to get off the roller coaster and see what I have been missing.

So when I speak of finding center, I just mean that I need to find a way to relax and not feel guilty. I need to have an attention span that is longer than a music video. I need to be able to feel things again and enjoy the experiences. I can be experiencing something now but all the time I am thinking about the next experience, never enjoying the present time.

One day I will be out of tomorrow’s and I am terribly afraid that I will look back on my life and see that I never cherished the today’s of my life, I only looked for the tomorrows. I think that would be a very sad realization and I hope and pray that this trip teaches me that today is fine enough. If I am blessed with a tomorrow, then I can enjoy it when it gets here.Yellow Day Lily

The Drudgery of Details

All the jobs I have held required me to always be on top of the details, those minute tasks that if left undone could send the whole thing flying off the rails. I was constantly making sure that nothing fell through the cracks. All the time desperately wanting to be the “idea” guy, the one who came up with the concepts and did not have to bother with the details. They seemed more creative and a lot more fun to be around.

Today as I sit at my computer contemplating the upcoming two months before I leave on my trip, I cannot help but think of all the details. Originally, the concept of this trip was just to pack one bag, get in the car and go. I actually got to be the “idea” guy for about four seconds, then the reality of the details started to set in.

The tasks today seem overwhelming. There is so much to do, so many details to cover. I spent the morning scratching off Lottery tickets in hopes of winning enough to support the needs of this adventure. Sadly, no winnings were gained today. The reality has set in that I may not really be able to afford to do this trip. The list of things I need is ever growing, everything from vehicle maintenance to food, lodging and lots of little things in between.

The “idea” guy surely has it made as he does not have to figure out the logistics of his idea nor does he have to struggle with funding or promotion of it. I guess my task for today is to buckle down and use all that work experience I have to work out the details. At my real jobs, when facing impending deadlines, I was many times amazed that the work got done sometimes to my own amazement. I have to assume that this particular endeavor is going to be the same. Come July 25, all the ducks will be aligned and I can become the “idea” guy once again as I decide what to write about, what to see, who to meet and where to go.

For now I will be the detail guy and plan the trip as best as I can to prepare for mishaps, unexpected emergencies and day-to-day realities. I will pray for wisdom and will be thankful for all I have as I do not need this trip like I need food and water to live. The details will work themselves out, maybe not today, but they will. Immediate gratification is not really been anything that I have experienced on a regular basis. Patience and smart decisions win the race, not Lotto tickets and wishful thinking. I am off to make some decisions and look out for dangling details.

What the American Dream Means to Me

I was duped. No, that actually implies that I was unaware of the duping. I knew, knew all along. I fell for the lie, hook line and sinker. I wanted it so badly I threw any trepidations I had out the window. It was not until I was older and mostly burned out that I realized my youthful years were spend chasing the elusive American Dream. The dream which fell short in my case. Work hard and you will have a better life than the generations before you. I believed the bigger house, better car, clothes overflowing, and stuff would make my life better.

I came forth out of the womb always wanting something, more more more was all I could think of. My childhood allowance was never enough, I was always begging for advance so I could get more candy; more candy than I needed or was good for me. Promises of some elusive deed in order to get paid now so I could spend it now.

As I grew older, I continued down the same path. What could I get that would make me happy? That sparkly thing will surely make me happy and when it did not I had to keep looking. Please do not get me wrong, my life was not bad but I just knew the more I had the happier I would be. Since I did not make enough money to continue in that lifestyle, I found credit. We all know what happens then. The tide turns and you end up working just to keep the creditors at bay.

One job turned to two jobs, tired turned to exhaustion, hopefulness turned to hopelessness and so on it goes. I wish I would have learned early in life that things cannot make you happy but I was a slow student, I mean really slow. In the back of my mind, I convinced myself that I deserved these things when, in fact, I was not deserving at all. I convinced myself the next thing would be the one that brought the entire dream together, but it did not. I was exhausted, depressed and deeply in debt.

In the back of my mind, I figured if it got really bad I could sell everything. It turns out that no one wants my used stuff, and if they do they only wanted it if it was cheap. All that money I spent on pretty things and no one else really cared about them. I was a complete fool.

Now the mantra seems to be less is more and I see it now. Your possessions should not own you as mine did. I worked and worked just to pay off the debt and the happiness they were supposed to bring was nonexistent. What if the things you had were functional and/or something that really, truly meant something? How better would life be if you could sit on your porch and drink a cup of tea knowing you did not have to work 80 hours this week to just barely get by. Once that concept really hit me, I realized how wrong I had been. How greedy and thoughtless I had been. Now was my chance to turn the tables.

I have downsized over the years and with each item that is no longer in my possession, I feel lighter. Unfortunately there is still a lot of stuff to go, stuff no one really wants and that stuff has made me feel as if I was drowning. It all needs to go. My experiment for this trip is to take it all down to what I need to live and what brings me a little bit of comfort. One box is all I get to take with me. That box will house my personal belongs that I just cannot live without. If I find along the way, that an item no longer fits that need, I will give it away or throw it away. By the time I return home, I should be well on my way to living with less and hope to never be that person I was before. The person who thought of only herself. I want this trip to change me permanently, I want to be healthier in so many ways; spiritually, physically, and mentally.

It may seem selfish to being taking this trip and I am struggling with that. But if I do not make a major change in my life, I am not sure where I will go. I do not want this trip to be a trip of leisure as much as I want it to be a challenge, the likes I have never endured. I want this trip to be hard and uncomfortable and when I get out of the car somewhere I want to actually see it. My attention span is and has been about as long as a music video (remember those?). I miss the fact that I cannot sit still long enough to read a chapter in a book. I have numbed my brain so much with electronic entertainment that I have lost the ability to converse on a personal level with another human being, I think of what is only next not what is right now and my brain rarely stops thinking about things that are meaningless. These I believe, in my case, are side effects of the American Dream.

It is time to change the ideal of American Dream to be as individual as each one of us is. My dream might not be yours, and vice versa. I believe the American Dream is still a valid concept, it just needs to be changed and reviewed a little more often. Maybe it is not about McMansions and fast cars, maybe it is about helping someone out and living a more moderate life. I hope this trip opens my closed eyes and my closed heart. As I said before, the person in the mirror is a stranger to me and I do not like that at all.

The People Who Influenced This Trip

The year was 1977, I was 15 years old, living in a very small town and being very dispassionate about my life.  On a summer day, I walked into a movie theater and my life was never the same.  The things I saw that afternoon changed me and created in me a permanent state of wanderlust.  The movie that changed everything was “Smokey and the Bandit.”  I sat riveted in my seat experiencing the freedom of being on the road in a really cool car.  I longed for that kind of freedom and my desire to travel was born.

When I was younger I was able to take a few really awesome road trips with my mother and sister.  I watched them both travel the world and live in different places.  I, on the other hand, stayed mostly close to home desperately wanting to be one of them.  I admired my sister for taking the chances in life I was too afraid to take.

I read an article many years ago (sorry I do not remember what publication it was in) about Angelina Jolie – pre-babies and pre-marriage. She spoke of how she was a lone traveler much of her life and said that all she needed was a backpack and she could live anywhere for weeks.  Talk about freedom, talk about excitement, talk about cool.

Many years later I became obsessed with a little television show called “Supernatural.”  The story is of two brothers who drive around the country on back roads “saving people, hunting things.”  They live in cheap motels or their car (another really cool car -1967 Chevy Impala).  They live with very little and do not acquire much along the way.  Before you say anything, I know it is a television show but I love the lone lifestyle personified in the show.

Watching Hunter S. Thompson’s “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas” made me want to go out and rent a “Great Red Shark” cherry red convertible, which was actually Hunters personal 1971 Chevy Impala loaned to Terry Gilliam and Johnny Depp for the movie (yet, another cool Impala) and tear up Las Vegas in truly old school style.   Okay, not really…I would end up feeling terrible about that type of behavior.  The book painted such a strong picture of what a road trip feels like.  I wanted that kind of life (minus the drugs, guns, etc.).

Many of my favorite Classic Rock songs speak about life on the road.  I lived my life only dreaming of such a life.  I am so excited to have a chance to live it if only for a brief time.  Thank you to all the Road Warriors I have known, including my husband, who have inspired me and kept the dream alive.

Staying Healthy on the Road

One of my biggest concerns is how to stay healthy on the road.  I am not starting off as the healthiest person around, so I need to take some precautions.

  • Essential Oils:  I am an Independent Distributor for Young Living Essential Oils, and as a result of learning everything I can over the last two years about the benefits of using Young Living Essential Oils, I have seen my overall health improve greatly.   My devotion to learning about safe and proper use of essential oils has only enhanced my primary objective of maintaining a simple health regimen using oils to help promote a more balanced lifestyle.   The many lifestyle changes I am making have helped me to decrease dependency on other health control methods which I had been utilizing prior to delving into the exciting world of essential oils.   I will be taking my entire arsenal of oils along on this trip to keep me healthy.  Oils which may help to protect me from the rigors of long distance travel.   These oils should enable me to manage many travel related health issues I may encounter such as stomach discomfort, ease restlessness, will help me remain calm in tense driving situations, maintain lower stress levels, and help me take care of many other wellness issues that may crop up.  I love my Essential Oils and I know that using them along with a more well balanced diet that I have a much better chance at having some wonderful experiences and ultimately a more successful trip.
  • Water:  I plan to always have water available in the car with me.  Another component of my increased health is I have traded sodas for water.  I never would have thought that would have happened in my life time, but it was one of the best decisions I ever made.  Staying hydrated is extremely important for organ function, mental clarity and detoxing.
  • Sleep:  Sleep is going to be a very important part of this trip.  I will try to plan the same get up and sleep times during the day.  I have never slept in my car for such long periods of time.  I need to assume that there will be some adjustments necessary.  I will be doing a few “dry runs” which to me are mini trips in order to help me sort of get used to the idea.  This is going to be very interesting.
  • Exercise:  With so many hours of sitting and driving, I am going to need to stop and move around a few times during the day.  I plan on practicing Tai Chi in the mornings and taking a walk at night.  But there needs to be more during the day.  I Hope to find interesting things to stop and see on my sojourn so that I may break occasionally and just stop for a while and move around to stretch and keep my joints and muscles limber.
  • Eating Properly:  My original plan was to eat MREs (Meals Ready to Eat) for lunch and spend $5 or less a day on dinner.  I really do not want to spend a lot of money on food.  I have started having some issues related to gluten and if that continues that will change my meal planning completely.  I have some more research to do concerning this and will post an update when I know more.
  • Personal Hygiene:  This will be a little tricky the nights I stay in my car.  I am only planning on staying in a motel one night a week.  I have to shower more than that, so I need to come up with an alternative.  I can wash my hair and brush my teeth with bottled water, so that does not concern me as much.  Obviously this needs more work also, but at least I am thinking about it.
  • Sanity:  I am going to try to be as low tech as possible on this trip, but I hope I can Skype several times a week back to home base where my support team can relay items onto this blog.   I am going to miss him very much since we have been married almost 25 years, so being away from him will be difficult, but I do think if we can see each other for a few minutes a day, it will be very helpful.  Part of this trip is to teach me to downsize in preparation to try and live in a Tiny Home someday soon, but I will still be taking a thing or two which hold significant meaning to me.  A couple small comforts from home should go a long way in keeping me sane.

It looks like I have some work to do yet, but having a general outline is essential to making this trip a success.  The last thing I want to do is not feel good many miles from home and all alone.  I need to make this a priority.  Luckily, I have lots of people praying for my safety and that gives me great comfort!!

Thank you for your time!!

Geneva On The Lake, Ohio

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A few weekends ago, Mike and I visited Geneva On The Lake in Northeast Ohio.  It was one of the first really beautiful days after a long and extremely cold winter, warm and breezy it was.  The lake was calm and absolutely beautiful. Although I live fairly close to Lake Erie, I do not take the time to visit it too often.  That day I was so impressed with the Great Lake.  Mike and I sat on a bench by the lake listening to the birds singing their songs as the cool lake breezes blew.  We sat speechless for some time and I felt the peaceful effect this was having on me.  I daydreamed of my upcoming time near the Pacific Ocean.

I believe the Pacific Ocean is going to heal and center me.  I have seen the ocean many, many years ago when my Mom, Sister and I drove to the West Coast to deliver my Sister to a new Air Force base she was stationed at.  I feel in love with the Pacific Ocean immediately.  It was truly love at first sight.  I have longed over the years to see her again.  She is a major part of my wellness (physical and spiritual) plan.

But until I get there in a few months, I do have the lovely Lake Erie close to home.  I may drive up there again before I leave just feel the wonder and beauty.   Thank you Lord for the majesty of nature, and I pray that as I take this trip that I take the time to see Your work wherever I go.

Why on Earth am I doing this? A Vacation, No Not Really…

When I first starting thinking about this trip many, many years ago, I basically just wanted to run away from home.  I just really wanted a change of scenery.  For most of my life, I have dealt with depression, OCD and unrealistic fear.  I have experienced times where I was okay, but it was always followed by the same old negative feelings.  Poor health and stress compounded my feelings and I got to the point where I just wanted to leave, but I never did.  The realization came to me that all I would be doing is having the same old feelings but in a new place.  It was not the place that needed fixed, it was me.

The next few years I still struggled but I decided that if I was going to do this journey it would have to have some meaning.  It had to be more than just an escape from my problems.  I wanted to do something that would change me.  Life was still going to happen whether I was here or in Bali, I was the component that needed changing.  So I started praying about the quest and I started reading about downsizing and different ways to make oneself better.  I then made a list of things I wanted to accomplish and here is what I came up with:

  • Reconnect with God.  I have always held tight to my religion but I have fallen away and even doubted the existence of God.  I need to find my Spiritual Center.
  • Regain my health.  My good days can be counted using my fingers on one hand, for now the bad days reign.  I am constantly exhausted and with that comes indifference due to the sheer fact that I do not have the energy to care sometimes.  I have let myself get overweight and I lack stamina of any kind.  It is true without health, not much else matters.
  • Downsize, pure and simple.  Somewhere along the line, the things in my life began to own me.  I constantly worked to pay for them (I have made many bad financial decisions).  Once I started getting rid of things, I felt lighter but I still have too many things and I feel as if I am drowning at times.  I want this trip to show me what exactly I need to live and what I can life without. I hope to be able to carry all the things that matter in one box.
  • I want to write. I have always wanted to write but I felt that I never had a voice, that I never did anything noteworthy.  I need to experience some things in order to find my voice.  I know it is inside me, I just cannot find a way to let it out.  I want time to learn the craft and I want this adventure to spur that writer to mature.
  • I want to help others.  I used to volunteer but I have not done so for some time.  Helping others always ultimately helped me more.  Getting outside my head helped me be a better person.  I want to connect with people who are doing amazing things and help them help others.  There will be more about this later…Mike and I have found some really amazing people.
  • Change.  I need an honest to goodness change in my life.  I honestly do not know all the changes that are going to happen during this trip.  I cannot imagine coming away from it unchanged.  Those chapters are going to have to be written as I go along.  I just know that it is something I need.
  • Meet new people.  If I had my way, I would live in a tiny house and never leave it.  I would be a hermit and never venture out.  That is the perfect life in my eyes, but it is not really any kind of life.  It is the people we meet along the road of life that change us and make us better human beings.  I need to get out of my protective (and quite comfortable shell) and meet people.  I need their lives to impact me and to teach me new things.  I can no longer be this shy person who sits in the corner, I need to get out there.
  • Face my fears.  I have always been afraid.  As long as I can remember, I was afraid.  Afraid of what?  Afraid of everything.  As a small girl, I was afraid of snakes in my bed, witches at the top of the stairs, dying, having someone close to me die, being alone, bear attacks, thunderstorms, you name it, I was afraid of it.  As I got older, the fears became more and more a part of my every day life.  There were points when I could barely leave the house due to my obsessions and fears.  Those were really dark times.
  • Stress.  Some people seem to deal with stress, some even thrive on it.  I tend to get overwhelmed and I shut down.  I am easily stressed so my feelings of being constantly overwhelmed are ever present.  I need to step away from the stress and rethink how I deal with it, rethink how I am going to let it impact me and learn to walk away from it.

I could go on about the things I want to learn from this trip, but I think you get the picture.  I need to fix myself.  I need some time to get right with me and with God.  This is not a trip of leisure, it is more of a boot camp for an older, overweight, lost person.  The things I am going to do are not going to be easy for me, especially since I really do not like being uncomfortable.  But I am going to exchange my comfort levels for something deeply meaningful.  I long to emerge from these events as a much stronger and better person.  It may seem lofty, but if I can gain half of what I expect I will be happy.

As you read and if you have questions, let me know.  I want this process to be completely transparent.  I am an open book.  I have made horrible mistakes in the past (and still will).  I have done some good, just not enough.  But mostly I have been mediocre and that is worse than almost anything.  I don’t expect to be amazing, but better would be better.

Thank you for listening.  I hope there will be glimmers of hope and inspiration during the upcoming days and weeks.  I am here for anyone who feels the same.  We can experience this together.  Thank you again for following.  Much more to come!

Daily update on trip planning, THANK you for the emotional support!

My Blog is now up and running. There is not much there yet, but I will be adding more to it everyday as I get ready for the trip. Once I am on the road, I will post every night where I have been, what I saw, who I met and any other fun details of the day. Any suggestions on what you want to see or know about will absolutely be appreciated!!

I really need to say thank you again to all my friends for all the support I have received, this is a big challenge for me and i need to get my courage up and keep it going strong!!   thank you-thank you-thank you!

A TENTATIVE DEPARTURE DATE HAS BEEN SET!

Mike and I have decided on a start date for this adventure: Saturday, July 25, 2015. That should put me in Oregon by my birthday!! I cannot wait to sit and watch the Pacific Ocean!!! I have lots to do to get ready, no time to waste 🙂