Hard-core unemployable…that is how I describe myself. The number of jobs I have held could fill volumes. Waitress, clerk, teller, cashier, stocker, salesperson, candy maker, data entry, secretary, travel coordinator, office assistant, writer, greeter, historic intrepretor and estate ambassador. Makes me tired just thinking about it.

Because of my previous impulsive need to spend every penny I made and then some, many of my younger years had me working two or three jobs at a time. Some were really bad, some were ok and a few transcended all other experiences. When I look back, I realize how amazing my work life has been.

As a high school drop out, I never expected to make anything of myself. I had no doubt that I would be a failure at everything. I literally knew nothing. I had no real understanding of the world and how it worked. But I did have guilt! That guilt, to this day, makes me work hard to overcome the fact that I believe I have no skills. It is taking a negative and turning it into a positive…I guess.

Although I may not have had a lot to offer, I fell into a few jobs/careers that changed my life. In my younger years, I avoided working because of my crippling fear of failure. Then came my first real job, one I was at for almost 20 years. The people there taught me skills and how to be a decent human. My days were full of anxiety and a lot of fear but I was surrounded by some of the best people on the planet, including my soulmate. Those times and people are forever etched in my heart.

I struggled after that but had some absolutely awesome experiences. I continued to learn and my character built as I saw ways to act as well as how not to act. People helped me at every turn. I was blessed with caring co-workers who put up with my drama. When I look back on all the jobs, I am humbled beyond belief.

A few jobs came along with were just a bad fit. That happens. Those, too, are opportunities to learn…they just hurt a bit more.

Over the years I have worked for myself a couple of times. I enjoyed that but realized I am not a great boss. I tend to try to not let others down but have no qualms about disappointing myself. Got to work on that.

Today is much different from those days previous. Yes bills are still a major tipping point. But now I want a strong sense of purpose. I want to feel as if I can make a difference no matter how small.

During Covid I worked at a large grocery store. I had read what a great company it was and was excited to work there. Suffice it to say that after four weeks I put in my two week notice. I realized without the sense of purpose, not just showing up and doing the minimum, the work is hollow and meaningless.

Today I have the opportunity to help make memories for other people. Not exactly saving the planet or curing disease but important on another level. I hold in my hands the chance to make someone feel welcome, to feel important and to touch their soul just a little. Some people deserve a punch in the nose but most are gracious and funny and curious.

Working with the public is so hard. I dread it every day until I get that first smile or thank you. Or a visit later in the day to tell me my advice made their day. It’s not rocket science, it’s not brain surgery but it is a purpose and I am blessed to have it.

I just read a wonderful interview with my favorite musician, Jerry Cantrell. As co-founder of Alice in Chains he was discussing their history and their state currently.

He talked about how in the beginning before Nirvana broke open the Seattle scene in the 90s, the bands there were doing the things they loved, selling out taverns not arenas and having the support of friends and community. He said it just felt right.

Then the change came. Years came and went, loved ones were lost, there was pain and sadness. The thought was that Alice could not go on.

Fast forward a few years and a global tragedy brought the surviving members together for a charity concert and they decided to move on together again. Up from the ashes they came. Still Alice but different. According to Jerry it just feels right again.

That story resonated with me. I was doing something I loved and it felt right. Then it abruptly ended. I was lost and didn’t know what to do. I tried quite a few jobs in a short time as my feelings of failure started to grow.

I looked back and thought I could never recapture what I had before. But with a little more wisdom then I had previously I thought I could try again. So I went down the same road but the journey was different.

That ended up being ok. I’m in a different position, responsibilities are different but it feels right. I just realized that life will not go backwards. Those feelings you had years ago turned into experiences that created change in your life. Then the time comes when you are no longer looking for what was but trying to figure out what may be.

Without being overly dramatic, I feel as it my Phoenix as risen. God has showed me something that feels right but is different from what was right before.

It almost feels like time travel. The things before set in motion the things present. The experiences of past created an environment of new thought processes which create new journeys. It is hard to wrap one’s head around how intertwined the two are.

Today, and I have no idea of for how long, I’m travelling on a familiar road, once travelled before . The journey is, however, different. That is ok. I enjoyed this road once maybe I can enjoy it again. Now I realize the the road will twist again and I just have to be open to the directions I’m given.

What a wild journey this thing called life is! I hope and pray your road feels right!

I know that I talk a lot about food. My entire life has been one great big obsession with food. Fatty, salty junk food and anything sweet. When I bought junk food the wait to drive home to eat it was unbearable. My car was a moving restaurant and garbage dump.

I remember reading an article that said if you ate fast food more than three times a week it was extremely unhealthy. I laughed. Three times a week, really? If I had the money I would eat fast food three times a day along with a box of donuts and candy bar after candy bar! A six pack of bottled (yes in glass bottles) of coke would last two days at the most.

Most of this eating was done alone. I was so embarrassed of my weakness. If I wasn’t eating, I was planning my next meal. When I say obsession, it truly was.

My health reflected my eating sins. I was always sick and pale. My heart was always racing. My mood was generally foul. My teeth slowly rotting. My bank account was as depleted as my health.

Then came Covid. No more going out…I didn’t know what to do. I knew how to throw a few things together. Nothing healthy or even very tasty. Then I found Jamie Oliver and I started changing one meal a week to a veg based meal. Then it was two days, three days and it finally became a lifestyle change.

My health blossomed, my bank account was not always empty, I was not throwing food away and I started to crave healthy food. Now I am obsessed with cooking, stretching my food dollar to get the most I can from what I buy and making up my own recipes. I have embraced prep work and doing dishes. It’s all part of the creative process.

I am learning more about farming practices. About organic food. I know actual people involved with growing food and they are some of the greatest people I have ever met.

I would never eat anything if it wasn’t plastic wrapped and on a Styrofoam plate. Now I eat things I never dreamed of and the less packaging the better. I used to scrub and scrub everything. Vegetables seemed dirty and full of germs. Now I’m not as crazy about it and prep work is actually fun.

I know I have talked about this before. I am not sure why I feel so compelled. This change has changed everything for me. I eat slower and enjoy food more. I don’t waste precious food like I used to. I control what my husband and I eat to a much larger extent.

Meals are planned and prepped. Dinner is ready when we get home from work which alleviates the temptation to eat out. It has centered me in ways I had not imagined. I feel creative and connected to something.

I know quite a few people who would not feel like this would be a positive change. I get it. Having a positive experience from a nonstop pile of dishes would not have been in my thought process previously.

I guess I’m just trying to say that finding that thing that makes you happy and savoring the time you can participate is one of life’s gifts. It could be reading, writing, knitting, playing guitar, painting or any of a multitude of things that center you. Even if you aren’t particularly good at it now, you will get better and will enjoy life a bit more. Find that joy in your life. Keep looking if you can’t find it. Experiment and learn, these simple pleasures in life have huge impacts. Go enjoy!

The older I get, the more clarity I get. For example, things I wish I knew sooner:

It is ok to not be the pretty one. I used to cry and hate myself because of the way I looked. I was made fun of for my looks. It took decades to get over it. I still look in the mirror from time to time and wish the face I saw was different, but it’s ok. This is me. (Not fishing for compliments, I no longer need external validation and that feels great!)

It is okay to be quiet. I used to think I had to fill all the quiet moments with witty (mostly not) banter. Silences are fine, they are no longer awkward. I don’t have to brain dump everything in my head. I wish I had learned that a looong time ago!

It’s ok to not be rich. I used to think money and things would make me feel better. All I did was set myself up for years of debt and disappointment. Having the latest whatever does not bring joy. Here I am close to 60 with very little personal wealth and I am better than I was when I was buried in stuff. Rich is found in gratitude not a bank statement.

It’s ok to be kind and strong. Kindness, by some people, is perceived as weakness. I have found that kind people are also the strongest and most resilient people. They have walked through life and know the pitfalls. They have empathy and know justice. Kindness is, in my mind, a super power! Never discount the effect it can have!

It’s not ok to abuse your body. I used to eat a consistent diet of sugar and fat. I smoked and drank. I never exercised or did anything positive for myself. The older one gets the more you realize health is the pinnacle of what you need in life. Without health, life gets really hard. It’s never too late to start taking care of yourself!

Stress is not ok. I used to live on stress and if I didn’t have any I would create some. It’s a drug. It’s an addiction. Walk away from it, no good comes from it. Learning new ways to handle stress are life changing. You will still have stressful times, that doesn’t go away, but dealing with it differently is healthier physically and mentally.

It’s ok to ask for help. I used to think it was a sign of weakness. I carried burdens that were not mine to carry. I felt resentment and bitterness that was hugely misplaced. I was always angry. That is never good! Ask for help, if someone won’t help, keep looking. Not everyone will be sympathetic. That’s ok, someone will be.

It’s wonderfully ok to not live by other people’s opinions. Our society today allows everyone to have an opinion about you. Unseen voices will be happy to point out your flaws. Don’t listen. Your truth comes from inside of you. You walked your walk, they have no clue what you have been through. Forget the guilt, learn the lesson and move on.

It’s ok to apologize. It’s ok to say thank you. It’s ok to be polite. It’s okay to stand up for yourself. It’s ok to live with your past as long as it doesn’t cloud your present. It’s ok to cry and it’s ok to laugh. It’s ok to swear and it’s ok to pray.

Life is a difficult journey. But it can be amazing too! Stay strong, be kind and appreciate you. See your worth, and you have worth. See your beauty, it may be different from others but you have beauty. See your talents, yes you have many. Don’t be afraid to be you!

What does it cost to say a kind word or to refrain from saying an unkind one?

What does it cost to allow another person their opinion?

What does it cost to hold the door, put your grocery cart away, or to do any number of small things done in civilized society?

What does it cost to offer a prayer for someone in need?

What does it cost to fully listen to someone without thinking about what you will say next?

What does it cost to say an encouraging word or show support to a fellow human being?

What does it cost to be kind? The cost of empathy? The cost of understanding?

Nothing. Most kindnesses do not cost anything. Yet they can bring about positive change.

Kindness does cost time. Some say time is money. In my opinion, if you are looking for a huge return on your investment of time, being kind is the best investment you can make. Dividends are not guaranteed nor are they immediately seen, but a life lived with kindness is a joy.

I have written a lot about simple acts of kindness. The further away we get from that in our society, the more self-centered we become, the more we need to step back and reevaluate ourselves.

Believe me, I know how easy it is to wall yourself up and cast all others away. I am an introverted introvert at best. Other people scare me and make me want to ignore them. I have to force myself to be kind and when I am my heart soars.

So worth it is to help someone else. The gesture need not be large or costly, it just needs to be genuine. My sense of self-preservation makes being kind something I have to think about. It is in my nature but I have suppressed it in lieu of fear long enough.

I’m broke but I can still be kind. I’m afraid but I can still be kind. I’m in a hurry but I can still be kind. I want to be the person who cheerleads for someone else. Who say congratulations. Who says thank you! Who says I’ll pray for you!

Kindness is the great equalizer. It crosses all boundaries and it costs nothing. But it can change lifes.

The last couple of weeks have been truly eye opening for me. Before I start I want to reiterate that my blessings overflow. From where I came from, the bad decisions I made now to know I know I am blessed. My eyes have seen life without a safety net. It has been concerning.

I have been ill for a few weeks now. Doing much better though. But I put off a trip to Urgent Care because the car payment was due. I tried over the counter things but to no avail. I ended up getting checked out but should have done it sooner.

Not having health insurance for the last eight years or so weighs heavy on every decision that comes to health. Asking around I found that this situation is much more prevalent then I knew. Going to the doctor with a prescription or two can cost a couple of hundred dollars.

How many people have an emergency fund for such things and how many people are one car breakdown or appliance failure away from disaster? My savings has a long time balance of $5.00. I want and plan to save more but find it much more difficult than I imagined.

Please know I am not complaining. Having lost everything a few years ago has made me appreciate all that I have. But the reality is a truth. Many of us live without any sort of safety net. Being sick facilitated a few extra bills and a loss of a weeks paycheck…which can be recovered from. What if I had to go to the hospital. What if I had missed weeks from work. What then.

Now I absolutely do not expect the government or employer to take this to task. No handouts wanted. Most of the people I know in a similar position agree. The reality is harsh at best. I tend to think about all the possibilities when things are going smoothly. I have been around long enough to know those times don’t last.

You may think this is absolutely insane but I do think this way. If I had said safety net…how would I act differently? I would then rely on myself and my resources to take care of my needs. I may even take the simple things for granted because I have it covered.

With no safety net, I generally take nothing for granted. I’m thankful every week that I can buy healthy food. I’m thankful for my very small but efficient wardrobe. I’m thankful for a roof over my head and heat in the winter and comfy blankets and warm socks and hot cocoa (you can tell it’s winter) and all the things I have. I thank God every day for providing these things. He also gives me a place to put my fear and anxiety.

I would be lying if in the dark of night I didn’t pray for a little lottery winning or some sort of windfall. Those are few and far between. I do then pray for those of our society who struggle more than me. I am one of the lucky ones. Then I pray that I can get by. I have learned to not need much or even want much.

The hidden blessing for me is my gratitude levels have skyrocketed. I’m grateful for every paycheck. I’m grateful that there is a place that I can go when I’m sick and they care for me. I’m thankful for my landlords who care for me too. The list could go on for days.

I went from having a house and stuff and never being satisfied to losing said house and stuff and starting over from scratch in my 50s and being totally grateful. I say this only for myself, happy without is so much better than unhappy with.

I’m still going to try to save a little bit more but for now I’m doing my best. I can’t do more than that. Be grateful today…it changes your perspective. I pray for all of us living on the edge without a safety net. My you all have comfort today.

My goal with this blog is to be as honest and forthcoming as possible. In life I have found those struggles I have had were not just mine. I would have loved to read about someone who struggled with OCD (and still does) or who lived with the consequences of poor decision making. I always thought it was just me. My hope is to make just one person feel they are not alone. Plus being open about those struggles is healing.

With that being said, I am going to be very honest. I want to be more of a caring person but I have built such a high wall around myself I can’t seem to break free. I want to be more open but, honestly, I’m unsure of most people in general. I hate to admit this but it is part of my struggle.

Lockdown was too easy for me. In fact I thrived not being able to go anywhere. I gained a new appreciation for Amazon. Mike and Amazon were my lifeline to the outside world. I was happy and content.

That didn’t last and that is a good thing. But I am having real trouble assimilating back into the land of other people. In that short period of time, I began to not trust anymore. I began to feel different than everyone else. I leave the apartment counting the hours until I’m back. I make no eye contact. I drifted out to an isolated island and I’m still there but with more people around.

I have always been a loner. Much of my youth was spent alone. I learned to love it. It’s easier being alone. No small talk. No chance to get hurt. I’m not lonely just alone. I have books and Prime for outside influences. Again to be painfully honest, people scare me.

I have always dealt with the fact that if I never left home I would probably be ok. But that’s not normal and I know it. I am not sure I know how to change it. I can for periods of time assimilate but it is exhausting. From what I have been reading that is normal for introverts.

I do want to change a little. I believe we are all lights onto the world. We are placed here to light up our little corners of the world. How can I do that when my battery is always dead and when the wall is too high to climb over?

Another very strong personal belief I have is that things done for others are meant to be done in silence. Doing good for the attention of it is not doing good. Those things done when no one is watching are the game changers. Just my opinion and only for myself.

With that being said, yesterday I was doing my weekly grocery shopping when I saw a man in a motorized cart. He seemed to be struggling with items on high shelves. I said a prayer for him and kept doing. I ran into him again and without thinking and without fear I asked if he needed help. He did and I helped him. Then continued shopping. In the last isle, I saw him again and asked if he needed anything before I left. He said he was good. And I checked out.

Later that night I was thinking about this less than a minute experience. It reminded me of what it means to be human. It’s not the big things, I leave those things to better people than I. It is about the small human kindnesses that seem like distant memories from a different time.

I used to be that person a lot. But then something made me afraid. Oh how I hate being afraid. But I am. Fear has released some of my humanity. Fear has made me less generous and much more jaded. My life is colored not with rose colored glasses but tainted with colors of hatred and discourse. I hate to admit that I am afraid. That fear makes me angry. That anger makes me afraid. And so the cycle is uninterrupted.

I’m not trying to be a downer but this is my current struggle. I would love to change the world with my written words but the probability of that is slim. I have to learn to live with others again. I’m not sure how that will happen. But helping that gentleman in the grocery store seemed to start a smoldering inside of me.

My hope for this blog is to show that a very flawed person can make the necessary changes in life to become that light unto the world that we are all called to be. I’m not there yet. I’m almost 60 and you would think by now I would have gotten it. But it’s still in progress.

To you reading this..congraulations on getting this far as I’m sure it wasn’t easy. But thank you. If that one person is out there and doesnt feel completely alone now I thank you. We really are all in this together and no one gets out alive. We might as well stick together and make it better where we can. That’s what I’m going to try.

I still can’t believe that I used to work on a train. I was not an engineer or conductor, but a server for guests. It has been a few years since I have done that, but I already look back on the time with nostalgia in my heart.

I always said it was the hardest job I ever loved. If you have ever been a server just imagine doing it on a constantly moving train. Once you got used to it, it really wasn’t that difficult.

History never really interested me until I started working on a train. Some of the passenger cars dated back to the 1920s. The engines were from WWII. I used to imagine train travel back in the day. Slow and romantic.

Since I worked on a scenic railroad, our speed did not top 19 miles an hour. On one particularly difficult bend we would slow to a crawl as to not derail. Imagine going 15 miles an hour in today’s world! It took guests a while to acclimate to the idea of slowing down. Many learned to enjoy the pace.

The idea of slowly moving through the scenery, crossing tressel bridges, following rivers, and stepping back in time were the gifts the train gave to her guests. As I learned more and more about trains, she became a living thing to me and the others I worked with.

Imagine building these gigantic mechanical beings by hand with materials made by hand. The depth and scope I cannot imagine. Every detail celebrated by workers who took pride in providing a new, at the time, means of moving people and products from place to place.

The train saved entire communities by bringing much need supplies during times of distress. It also allowed people to move whether searching for opportunities or enjoying a pleasure trip, the train was the mode of desired transportation.

Close your eyes for a moment and feel the gentle rocking of the train car. Perpetual motion. Listen to the melody of the wheels running along the track, metal on metal yet somehow soothing. Windows down, the smell of smoke from the steam engine, the smell of trees as you slowly move past them fill your lungs and your imagination. It was glorious!

There were several cars and we would be assigned different cars each time we worked. As I worked there longer, I got to know the personality of each car. It didn’t seem possible that could be, but it was. Each car had a distinct character, set of likes and dislikes and set a tone for the days travel.

This was hard work and could be pretty dirty at times. But the people who worked with me loved the train as much if not more than I did. The experience of being in the company of this group of people has forever touched my soul.

My time was too short riding the rails. My age ended up getting the better of me. I do not think a day passes when, even for one moment, I don’t think about my step back in time on the train.

A cargo train runs regularly near where I live and work today. When I hear the distant sound of a whistle blow… I stop for a moment. My heart beats a little faster. I start to feel the ground as it shakes from the raw power of the diesel engine. The sounds get louder and for that brief second as the train passes I am transported back. Oh how I miss you Girl!

I love the train itself, the people who also love the train and I love the idea of it. What this crazy world needs is to slow the pace in which we all live. We need to relearn how to drink in the surroundings and enjoy the beauty that is missed in our daily lives. We need to open our imaginations to a different time.

I know the history of the train system isn’t pretty. Dirty deeds were done and people used to forward the progress. That is a sad fact. But the train also saved people. Saved them from poverty and famine. It allowed people to fulfill their wanderlust and create new lives in new places. The train, literally, changed the world as it was known then.

She forever changed me as a person. Her imprint is a permanent mark on my soul. I will never forget those heady days, those tiring days and those days filled with adventure. Oh how I miss that Girl!

I want to be happy. But how? These are a few of the things that work for me.

Love…makes people happy! A good partner is one of the truest of blessings. A good friend is a way to love. A pet is a true and faithful love. Loving yourself is a great start to a life of love.

Gratitude..being thankful for what you have not all things you don’t. I used to think if I just had one more trinket I would be happy. I missed all that was in front of me.

Health…without it, life can be unbearable. A life full of vibrancy and energy is a blessed life.

Purpose…too many years were spent just trying to stay above water. Too many years of just getting by (and not very well at that). A deeper meaning to life gives it the color and texture needed to create profound happiness…the kind that lives deep in your soul.

Believing…being able to hold your personal beliefs strong through the storms in life, not wavering when the road gets rocky and staying the course of doing the right thing invoke happiness.

Creativity…being able to create something is core to being happy. I used to think only masters of a subject found their happiness in creativity. But it is the cake baked, a scarf knitted (even if it was meant to be a sweater), a chord played, a drawing, a completed puzzle, anything that adds beauty to life brings with it happiness.

I truly used to think that if I could just get one more book, one more set of dishware, a better car, one more purse…the list goes on…then I would be happy. The reality was that I was so unhappy and ungrateful. Happiness had no place to roost inside me. All the toxicness I held to close did not allow for it

As I look at my life now. I live with a lot less. Owning things can be a burden without the proper context. I used to be surrounded by things that had no meaning…they were just things. Today the things I have, a letter from a friend, a gift given for no reason, kind and sweet memories are the things that create in me joy and happiness.

Maybe if we could all slow down a bit and quit listening to what others think will bring us happiness, then we can find it too. I don’t say losing everything like we did is the answer. Although it was the swift kick I needed. But taking some time to visit with God, play a record, read a book, make a curry whatever it is that nourishes the soul will be a huge step in the progression. We must take time for that endeavour.

My old view of happiness was wrong. I thought I would just stumble on it and be happy all the rest of my days. It may seem fleeting but the sincerest of happiness never fully disappears. It may lay dormant for a time but it will resurface.

Today I’m am grateful and focused. I’m working on my happiness separate from that of advertisers. The little things that I love now have the meaning I need to flourish. Happiness is obtainable, even for someone like me. I still get depressed and anxious but I do now have a store of happiness inside of me that fuels me.

Today I hope and pray that your journey to happiness becomes more true to you and the path more clear. It is obtainable as well as sustainable. Good luck and don’t grow weary for the reward is worth every ounce of effort.

I added the ingredients just like the recipe said. I stirred with the utmost care. I patted out the cookie dough to the right size. Placed them in the oven and walked away for just a moment. I came back to the smell of burning cookies.

I have probably made many thousands of cookies in my life, some have failed and others were great. This was a major fail. The cookie dough over ran the banks of the cookie sheet onto the floor of the Breville.

The day was going good. I was ahead on my cleaning schedule for the day. A big pot of veg soup was simmering on the stove. Then the idea hit me to make a new cookie recipe. Then it started to crumble. As the cookie dough acted and felt like molten lava (yes, I burned my hand in the rush),it went everywhere, I was amazed. Usually a situation like this one would have had me throwing something, cursing like crazy and giving up.

None of that happened. I ran my hand under cold water. I scooped the dough into the sink and sat down and had a cup of tea. Very civilized, I was.

If you have read any of my previous posts, you are aware of my many many failures. I fail a lot! But it used to always make me mad as heck. Then getting mad made me even madder.

Have I finally learned to accept those bumps in the road? Am I finally willing to embrace the fact that I am fallible? Maybe…and it’s about time.

Failures aren’t great things, but they are those learning moments that can change life’s path. I have learned so much from my failures, after the embarrassment fades of course.

I have learned in my life that if I never try something I will never fail. But I like to try things. I want to learn things. I am, honestly, not very good at most things I try but I try.

Life would be easier for me if I could just accept the fact that failure will happen. Maybe it has finally sunk in my thick head.

I will unwrap my burned finger and try my second batch of cookies. I hope they turn out. But if they dont, at least I tried.