journeys

How to Find a Host Family for a Farm or Home Stay

Helping Others

 

Lately, I have been talking about the Farm or Home Stays I have been participating in. I have been asked how one finds people who need HelpXers (as we are called). It is easy, through an online site called Help Exchange (or HelpX for short). The following blurb is straight from the Help Exchange Website and describes the theory behind the program much better than I ever could.

 “Welcome to Help Exchange (HelpX)

HelpX is an online listing of host organic farms, non-organic farms, farmstays, homestays, ranches, lodges, B&Bs, backpackers hostels and even sailing boats who invite volunteer helpers to stay with them short-term in exchange for food and accommodation.”

 “HelpX is provided primarily as a cultural exchange for working holiday makers who would like the opportunity during their travels abroad, to stay with local people and gain practical experience. In the typical arrangement, the helper works an average of 4 hours per day and receives free accommodation and meals for their efforts.”

The only difference is that I have decided to stay within the United States (I cannot even imagine the mess I would be if I was traveling abroad). If I was interested in traveling overseas, that would be an option. There are all kinds of working opportunities as well as locations. Some places need experienced help and others are willing to teach, train and coach you to learn a new skill.

The program is amazing as are the people who participate as Hosts. They are awesome and generous. This is a great program for young people to learn about different cultures and learn all kinds of skills, but it is turning into an option for more experienced (dare I say older) people who want to get off the corporate treadmill and start living an alternative lifestyle. I have run into more and more “older” couples who want to ditch the mortgage and the stuff and hit the road.

HelpX is a great way to give back and pay forward. It opens doors to let the participants help each other as well as people who are in need of assistance. I want my life to start being about others instead of always being about me (if you have read past posts, it really is all about me).

So what have I learned so far from my HelpX experience: (1) How to lay field stone and gravel to make a mud-free walkway, (2) How to make better a better food product by using sustainable and organic means, (3) How to paint a porch, (4) Goats are really fun to take care of, (5) How to make coffee with a French Press, (6) The more you move the better you feel, (7) After all these years, I am still allergic to hay, (8) Some outside people do not understand the concept and are not trusting of your motives and so much more. This journey has just begun, so I am looking forward to what other lessons I will be learning. Here’s to a wild ride!!

The Weird Alternate Universe That is The Laundromat

laundromat no 2

I love going to the laundromat; it is like “me” time when it is not busy. Now when the laundromat is busy, it is a different story. A few weeks ago, I found the Hilton (or, at least, the high-end Holiday Inn) of laundromats.   It was a Saturday night, when I suppose other people actually have places to be, and I was able to do my laundry without much fanfare. I was able to read a book guilt-free; I mean what else are you going to do? The experience was truly relaxing and nothing out of the ordinary.

I went to the same laundromat a week later and it was a completely different story. The “mat” was full of people with LOTS of laundry. One couple was using eight double-capacity dryers….how many clothes is that? I cannot even imagine folding and putting all those clothes away. I can do all my clothes in a single load which is one advantage of living with less!!

So I made a beeline to the back of the mat by the dryers where no one else wanted to sit. It was too loud to read, so I have to come up with something else to do to take up the time. The day was grey and rainy, which made the overhead fluorescent lights seemed extra bright while the spinning ceiling fans made an eerie strobe light effect on the shocking light.

I became hypnotized by the circular hum of the dryers as the clothes crashed against each other like waves in the ocean. I have never seen a washer that was front loading, so I was completely enthralled with actually being able to watch my clothes being washed; going round in circles watching them spin, then fill with soapy water, and spin again. The surrounding sounds of voices turned to a dull murmur.

My world right now is definitely in flux. Moving from place to place and relying on the kindness of people I do not really know at first. Sleeping in guest rooms, sharing bathrooms, and living out of a tote are some of the things that are new to me. Yes, it is what I wanted but I never thought about all of the realities. It is all good, I am getting used to it but I realized that the little laundromat I visited felt like home. Most laundromats have the same industrial look to them and smell like dryer sheets and fabric softener. It was truly comforting. I actually looked for excuses to go back.

My newest realization is that no matter how adamant you are about leaving your past behind, you still inwardly long for those small vestiges of comfort or reminders of a different time. For me, right now, it is the laundromat that gives me a sense of home and roots. I know that sounds really strange but it is my truth for now. Here’s to clean clothes, the fresh smell of clean laundry and the feeling of home!!

laundromat

Thank you for listening.

The Road So Far – Lessons Learned
The Road So Far

I do not own this image, but I am respectfully using it in my blog and it is a homage to my favorite show ever, Supernatural!!

 

It has almost been one month since I left the only home I have known most of my life and with very few belongings. A lot has happened in the last few weeks and I have actually learned a lot about me and about life. Here are some of the lessons that have hit home:

 

  • Plans NEVER go the way you think they will: I cannot tell you how many plans I have made only to have them change a few times into something completely different. I am learning the hard lesson of going with the flow. This is hard for me but it is a lesson that must be learned in order to cancel out all the chaos all around.
  • Strangers are amazing: I am still amazed that complete strangers will take me into their home and give me shelter and food in exchange for some work. It is so easy to live in a bubble, just seeing your own life and not venturing out much. That is how I lived my life; consumed by my problems with a very small worldview. My Hosts are bigger view people and it is helping me to see that way too.
  • Even if you get rid of most of your stuff, it is still too much stuff: I seriously downsized. I cannot believe how much stuff I got rid of and, guess what, I still have too much stuff. As you start to live a life without things, you realize how little you need to actually live. Of course, I am lucky enough to enjoy the things our Hosts have, but having lived on the road for a few weeks prior to all this showed me that I can still live good and not have a lot. It is not about living without, but about truly living with what you have.
  • Being old and living on the road is not for the weak: I have spent most of my life working behind a desk and not really exercising or moving much. Now my life consists of movement and activity. It is hard on this old woman!!! Some days I think actual work is easier than this lifestyle. Even though I am still kind of weak, I am getting stronger by the day and thinner (yippee).
  • There are days when you just plain miss a fluffy bed: Having slept in the car (front and back seat), in a tent on an air mattress, on a thin mattress in a cabin and a futon. This goes along with the previous lesson, getting old is hard but you adapt and it all works out. It is still better than sleeping on the ground which I cannot ever imagine doing anyway!!
  • You cannot go anywhere or get anything done in five minutes: the next time someone says I will be there in five minutes, expect it to be at least 20. I guess there are a few things that can get done in that time frame, but for the most part life is messier and takes longer to clean up after.
  • Buy local and meet the locals: The local people of any place are the gems of the area. I have learned to go to hometown hardware stores, fruit markets, diners and more. The local people love to tell their stories and it is a slice of Americana that we must preserve. Local businesses are the backbone of this country and need support!!

 

That is all I can think of for now. I am sure more will come to me as this crazy journey continues. In the meantime, I absolutely need to tell you about a new friend: Luke P. As I was running errands today in the rain, I saw a man walking with a broken umbrella. Since my journey started, I look at people’s situations differently and clearer. I ran and got a new umbrella and new gloves. NOTE: I am not telling you this because I am such a great person, but because what happens in a minute.

 

I stopped and gave Luke the umbrella and asked where he was going. To a town less than an hour away he told me, so we decided that it would be better to drive there in the rain than walk. On the way, I found out all the things Luke has done: walked around the country, rode his bike in snowstorm in Colorado, took culinary classes and now he is a cook at a men’s shelter. He was a respectful and courteous young man and quite the inspiration. He loves helping people and seeing new things. His worldview was amazing to me and getting to speak with him for even a short time inspired me to be a better person (which is what my sojourn is all about). I am so glad I got to meet Luke and hear his unique story. The more I travel and meet travelers, the more I grow as a person. The stories I am hearing are changing my life. Everyone told me that travel would change me, I never realized how much travelers were going to change me. What a wonderful lesson learned!!

I’m Not in Kansas, I Mean Ohio, Anymore!!

So it was a normal Friday, except that it was Friday the 13th, in the mountains of North Carolina.  Our host family was at work and school and Mike was doing some work for another friend.  The dogs, Lolly and Panda, and I were grooving at the house doing some projects that needed done.  The day was cold and windy, but nothing really out of the ordinary.  I am from Cleveland, so cold and windy I know.

It was a quiet day with not a lot going on.  As the sun started to go down, I was finishing my tasks for the day.  Lolly and Panda seemed a little on edge, but I figured it was because their family was not home yet.  They had made other plans so they were not going to be home early.  I fed the dogs and thought about letting them out but decided I should wait until Mike got back to the house just so there were no problems.

I get a text from Mike that he is on his way.  I promised him, that morning, that I would take the recycling out but completely forgot about it during the days activities.  I was going to go then, but I thought I better wait.  Since we have been here, we have had two black bear sightings and I did not particularly want to have a close encounter with one.

All of a sudden the dogs started barking and I figured it was Mike coming in.  I am not sure how much time had passed but it seemed reasonable it would be him.  I thought the dogs seemed very excited to see him tonight (I guess my company is not as thrilling as you would hope 🙂 ).  When I opened the front door Lolly head butted the screen door and got right out with Panda right behind.  So I opened the door further and walked outside.  I did not see Mike, I did, however, come face to face (within about ten feet) with a black bear trying to eat the bird feeder.  It had climbed onto the railing of the porch and was munching on bird seed.

Lolly, the ever-vigilant guard dog, was literally face to face with this bear.  I started screaming for the dogs to get back in the house.  Finally, I had to grab them and push them back in.  When everyone was secure, I looked out the window and saw the bear was gone.  My heart was racing, then Lolly started to growl again.  The persistent bear was on the other side of the porch trying for another feeder.  Between the barking and my banging on the wall, the bear must have gotten tired of the noise and moved on.

It took Lolly, Panda and I quite a while to calm down from the excitement.  I have been told that black bears are not overly aggressive unless they feel threatened which was not a real comfort when I was just feet away from it.  What an exciting night.  Everyone is okay, no one got hurt.  All I can say is that never happened in Ohio!!!

Side Note:  The bear came back during the night, actually made it onto the porch and destroyed one of the bird feeders.  Thanks to Lolly and Panda, it moved on again.

Lolly and Panda - Defenders of the family home!!

Lolly and Panda – Defenders of the family home!!

seemed

What Happens When You Try Too Hard To Fit In?
I do not own this image, but I am respectfully using it in my blog.

I do not own this image, but I am respectfully using it in my blog.

I am quirky, I get it.  I have always had this thing about not making trouble for anyone, not being a bother.  I tried to always fit in with the group I was with at the time as I was petrified of being different.  I could cuss like a sailor or be as quiet as a church mouse.  I could talk cars (a little bit anyway) or exchange recipes.  I was delusional that everyone always liked me; why wouldn’t they, I was just like them.  Then one day I had an epiphany that there were people who did not care for me and I was blown away.  How could they not like me I was trying so hard to fit in?

So what happens when you try too hard to fit in?  I think I realized it today.  You are not authentic, everything in your life is based on some constantly moving scale of normalcy.  Playing nice does not necessarily mean you are a nice person.  Honestly, I have no idea if I am a nice person, I play the part everyday with the theory of “Fake it Until You Make it.”  I am not saying that I am a serial killer or a puppy abuser, but I talk and talk about being authentic and yet I have no idea what that means.

My sojourn was supposed to show me that.  I kept saying that I had lost myself and that I needed to find myself again, but I did not really know what I meant by that.  I just knew something was not right.  Every day my life gets a little clearer regarding what is wrong with it (a painful process); answers, however, are not as forthcoming.  I sit and try to be grateful for everything I have, yet my life feels like I am wearing the wrong size clothing.  Metaphorically speaking, I do have clothes to be thankful for,  but they are uncomfortable and do not fit right so I am ugly and unhappy even though I should be grateful.

I know this blog should be lighter and more playful, but that is also something I cannot do at this time.  I apologize if you are reading this thinking “get over yourself”, but the idea from the start was to open some doors and find some truths.  I have opened doors but the truths are still lurking in the dark.  I am sorry.

My next objective, try not to try so hard.  I do not even know if I know how to do that.  I want so badly to be everything to everyone, for I think that will make me happy.  But that is an illusion that can never happen and it is exhausting.  What good would it do to be accepted by everyone?  Would it not mean that somewhere along the line I buckled against something, large or small that I stood for, in order to not rock the boat or cause a stir?

All my life, one statement has been consistent in my vocabulary…”I’m sorry.”  I’m sorry I bought the wrong brand of coffee.  I’m sorry I did not wear the right outfit.  I’m sorry I spoke my mind and get someone upset.  I’m sorry I tried something new and it did not work out (add it to my failure list).  I’m sorry I folded the laundry incorrectly.  It does not matter what the situation, I am always sorry.  I said I was sorry this morning for something totally insignificant and it felt like my heart broke in two and I have been crying ever since.  It is like that last “I’m sorry” was the key to open a new door.  I am tired of being sorry for everything that happens.

Where do I go from here?  As usual, there is no real plan. I guess I better take a few baby steps today. I have to up my own self-worth.  Apparently I feel I cannot accomplish even the simplest of tasks without doing it wrong and being sorry.  So I have to start looking for accomplishments.  No more walking on eggshells everywhere I go.  I have found that the harder you try to be “perfect” the more mistakes you make, so no more trying to be perfect.  That should be enough for today.  I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, but I am going to start being open to those lurking truths.

Thank you for listening and following the exploits of an unsure, dorky girl.  I appreciate all of you!!  What is the rule for today:  DON’T TRY TOO HARD TO FIT IN…you are just right the way you are!!  Who is with me?

Farm Stay #1 — Near Bowling Green, Kentucky
This is not Kentucky. I misplaced my Kentucky pics, so I hope you enjoy North Carolina.

This is not Kentucky. I misplaced my Kentucky pics, so I hope you enjoy North Carolina.

Now that things are finally starting to calm down a bit, I hope to post more about our Farm / Home Stays.  As I noted in previous posts, Mike and I are basically without a permanent home and now have very few possessions.  We cannot afford to stay in hotel/motels, and we cannot seem to get an apartment without having some sort of employment (go figure, right?).  So we had to think outside the box and Mike came up with a great idea.  Farm/Home Stays.

Basically, what we are doing is volunteering a someone’s farm or home to do work (a predetermined number of hours a week) in exchange for room and meals.  We do buy some of the food as it only seems fair.  The first Farm Stay was only for a weekend, but our current one may go a few weeks.  In the meantime, Mike is contacting other people who might need help in order to line up our next stay.

We are lucky because Mike has quite a few skills that make him valuable on a farm or doing home repairs.  I, on the other hand, have spent most of my life sitting behind a desk and typing for a living.  I fear that my skills are not quite as in demand.  Luckily though, many years ago I went through my “Martha Stewart” phase so I have some homemaking skills that I can use.  But I still feel very unsure of myself.  One wants to be sure that they pull their own weight when doing a Farm / Home Stay.

Anyway, our first Farm Stay was with a lovely family just outside of Bowling Green, Kentucky.  Our Host, runs a small farm with cows, pigs, sheep, chickens, bees, dogs and cats.  She utilizes farming techniques from the 30s and 40s, which she taught herself.  Her animals are treated so well, they are actually stress-free.  They roam in beautiful green pastures (she moves them often so the land stays in good condition) and are tended to in a loving fashion.

I, like many of you, have watched the Big Farm documentaries and have some knowledge of the horrific practices some corporate farms use in order to feed people at a profit for themselves.  I used to think myself as frugal until this short Farm Stay.  They use EVERYTHING, nothing is wasted.  They have reverence for the Earth and its bounty and the Earth seems to be shining on them for their great stewardship.

I cannot begin to fathom all the things I learned in that 2 1/2 day stay.   I am still trying to come back from a really bad anemic episode, so I am still feeling weak and very low.  We talked how our food was designed to heal us but instead the processed foods we eat are doing the opposite.  I know my body has a difficult time up-taking nutrients, and the human body was not designed for that.  Everything I thought I knew about food has changed.

It is amazing how you can meet someone for a short time and they can leave such an imprint on your life.  Our host did that.  I feel so honored to have met her and her family and to have seen her farm.  Their way of life is SO different from the way Mike and I have lived in the past, but now we are open to these types of experiences.  I am generally a germaphobe by nature, but I have to step outside of any kind of comfort zone that I know in order to live in these other people’s lives.  It is a true test for me.

I envy Mike as he just jumps in, no matter what and adapts.  I am slower to adapt, but I am trying very hard to be the person who “rolls with it Baby.”  I can see now that these experiences are going to be the ones that teach me about life.  I thought the road trip was going to teach me about life and about God, but now I see it is going to be living with people who were strangers in the beginning (friends in the end) and living a life that is not mine.  That is going to change me.  That is where my knowledge will come.  I stayed insulated in my little world for so many years, now that is all gone and I have to find my way in a world that I know little about.  It is scary but actually very exciting.

We are officially a week and two days into our new life and things seem different already.  I cannot wait to write more about it as I spend some trying time trying to figure it all out.  Please stay tuned because things are going to get very real!!!!!

Thank you for listening!

Phase Two: Fresh Starts and New Beginnings in North Carolina
I do not own this image, but I am respectfully using it in my blog.

I do not own this image, but I am respectfully using it in my blog.

Many things have changed since coming back from my journey.  Since everything was in flux, I was not really able to discuss the changes, but now I can.  This is actually Phase 2 of my Epic Journey.  The first part was the trip itself.  While I was actually doing the trip, I felt it was yet another of my failures, but in retrospect, it has actually prepared me for this new phase.  I learned things that I did not realize until later and the difficult experiences made me realize that I am not quite as soft as I thought I was.

Over the past few weeks, Mike and I have been cleaning out our belongings.  Getting rid of anything that is non-essential.  We had decided to live our lives more consciously and without a lot of physical entanglements.  I have lived in this same house for about 48 years and it has accumulated much stuff.  Getting rid of the stuff has proved to be much more difficult than I had ever imagined.  It is not so much the getting rid of it, but finding a home for the stuff when everyone is buried under their own stuff and just the sheer volume of things to get rid of has been quite a hurdle.  I decided a while ago that I was tired of the stuff owning me and now I am finally getting to a point where that will not be the case any longer.  If it does not fit in Devi, it does not go with us.

At the end of this week, we will be starting a completely new life.  We are going to be leaving this home and our home state for a new location in North Carolina.  During this entire process, Mike and I have talked and talked about everything and what we feel we need at this point in our lives.  Years of being one lost paycheck away from disaster has taken its toll, stress has made us sick and it seems we may have actually forgotten how to live.

Part of Phase One was to try a farmstay out in Oregon, but due to unforeseen situations, that never came to pass.  We decided that we would give the farmstay idea another try in North Carolina.  The idea is to connect, through an organization called Help Exchange, volunteers (that would be us) with people who are in need of assistance either on their farms or teaching facilities.  Tasks are detailed and volunteers are usually give room and board in exchange for the jobs they will do.  It is a great symbiotic working relationship because the people in need receive the assistance they desire and the volunteers are given the opportunity to give back while having a roof over their heads.  These stays can be short-term or long-term, it all depends on what is needed.

We actually have a couple of exciting stays lined up for the next few months.  There are about ten opportunities just in the location we are looking at, so the opportunities seem good for now.  We will be nomadic for the next few months; if we like the options, we may stay that way indefinitely.

As the blog starts the next phase, it will still be about self-discovery but now it will also be about something more than just me.  We will be meeting people who are living outside the box and who will, hopefully, teach us how to do the same.  My eyes are going to be opened to new ways of life that I never even imagined before.  The plan is to live lighter, live healthier and to live simpler.

Leaving everything we know and leaving my ultimate comfort zone is proving to be a challenge.  But I could sit in the same place for the rest of my life and play it safe like I have done for so long.  I could watch myself get more and more depressed because my fears and doubts would be running my life or I can step outside and start living.  It is time to start living and helping others.  I wanted my Epic Journey to give me answers to how to live my life, it seemed to only give me more questions, but now I see that when asked the right questions, the answers start to fall into place.

I wanted to thank everyone again who supported my trip.  It was life changing and I could never have done it without your support.  I hope you will stay tuned to find out about this new adventure.  We should be on our first short farmstay by the weekend.  I am looking forward to it (I am scared to death) and I hope you will walk this new path with me.  Thank you for listening.

Pursuing Happiness
I do not own this image but I am respectfully using it in my blog.

I do not own this image but I am respectfully using it in my blog.

Foreword:  Before I start, please let me explain that I am not complaining in this post.  I am simply stating a fact that I have found happiness to be a somewhat elusive beast in my life. I will not give up looking for it though.

I just want to be happy.  I do not expect to be “over the moon” every day of my life but I would like to have more happy days than sad.  It is a pursuit that I have been chasing for years.

I tried being a slacker and I tried being an overachiever.  I tried buying everything I could find to fill the void and I tried owning nothing.  I tried being single and being married.  I tried being “Suzy Homemaker” and I tried being all business.  I tried higher education and I tried lower expectations.  I tried selling adult toys and I tried selling Christian books.

I tried being an art snob, reading books way over my comprehension level, feminism, and politics.  I tried being an Earth Mother and being concerned about the environment.  I almost tried raising chickens, but I am not good with poop of any kind, so that did not work.  I went to one cooking class, one bellydance class, one yoga class, one Martial Arts class, and one craft class.  I have owned businesses and closed businesses (I mean my own not someone else’s).

I drank a lot of alcohol and gave it up.  I smoked cigarettes and gave them up.  I swore like a sailor, okay I still do that.  I exercised but never stuck with it.  I took prescription meds and I stopped taking them.  I rode a motorcycle, drove a Jeep and went soaring.  I recently tried travel as a way to escape and found I was wrong about that too.

Well, you get the point.  Finding your true authentic self is very hard work.  I have bumbled down many a dead end street just looking for myself.  It should not be this hard.  I often wonder if other people have this problem.  Does it show that I cannot “stick” with anything or am I just not right in “my skin” yet?

I do understand the difference between happiness and joy.  Happiness is situational and joy is something you feel all the time no matter what you are going through.  So in reality I am truly seeking joy because you cannot count on situations or other people to make you happy.  It has come from within.  I just wish I could find a comfortable place in which to experience joy.  Then again, maybe that is the point of it.  If you find it, what is there to look for after that?  Maybe pursuing it is the important part.  I just do not know.  I want to know but I must be too stupid to figure it out.

I guess in the meantime, I will wake up in the morning (God willing), pray about it and go about trying to be a better person.  I guess I will keep trying things, experimenting and searching.  There must be a reason our forefathers mentioned the “pursuit of happiness” rather than a right to be happy.  Today starts a new day, a new season (it is the first official day of Fall), and new to-do lists designed to help me find my true self.  Instead of trying so hard to find happiness, maybe I will try to start enjoying the journey to happiness.  Easier said than done, I know, but I have to try.

Top Three Reasons I Never Became a Singer
I do not own this image, I am respectfully using it in my blog.

I do not own this image, I am respectfully using it in my blog.

I cannot remember a time when I did not want to be a singer.  Music was my friend, my mentor, my inspiration and still is  today.  Back in the day, you did not have music videos or YouTube.  You only had records and you imagined what the singers were like from the album cover and liner notes.  Then came videos and everything changed.  Now you could see the singers you listened to.

Videos are not as important today as they once were, musically speaking, but they still have their place.  Once in a while I get in a mood and I just go to YouTube and watch either videos or live performances of older music.  I happened to do that last night after hearing “Tell Me Something Good” by Rufus playing overhead at the local Sheetz.  I decided to watch Chaka Chan, Whitney Houston and Etta James videos. Oh to be able to sing like that, I would give anything, alas that is definitely not my talent.  I cannot hold a note, am tone-deaf and I cannot even read music.  I am relegated to being a lover of music, not a participant.

Then I got to thinking about why I was not blessed with that particular talent  and these reasons came to mind:

  1. Ego:  If I could sing like young Whitney Houston, my head would be so swelled that no one else could fit in the room I was in.  I would be like “Bitch, do you know who I am?  I am Lois F*ing Hewitt and I sing!”  I would be that way at parties, at the grocery store, the dry cleaners, the gas station…everywhere.  God knew I could never contain myself if I had talent like that, so He made sure I had no talent for that whatsoever.
  2. Facade:  Watching an older video of a VH1 Diva presentation with Whitney and a few others, I realized that the secondary job of a singer is to never show the real you on stage.  I watched as Whitney Houston sang her heart out, smiled and danced all the time knowing, because I knew the future, she was having a miserable time in her personal life.  I can only imagine how hard it must be to have so much negativity in your personal life but be the ultimate performer on stage.  People did not pay to see her sulk around on stage, they expected to see her vibrancy and energy.  That had to be exhausting.  What a horrible price to pay for fame!
  3. Money:  Although I would like a little more money than I have right now, having too much does not seem to be healthy either.  There are some people with money who seem to be able to control it, but I have to assume (since it has never been a problem for me) that having too much money can create unhealthy lifestyles.  I know if I sold millions of records and had lots of money from it, I would be so obsessive.  There would be no living with me.

My night watching YouTube was extremely enlightening.  Just because I would have wanted a specific gift and spent years cursing the fact that it was not my gift to have, does not mean it would have been good for me.  Sometimes those things we want more than anything are the very things that could ruin us.  My mind goes to Amy Winehouse, Elvis and so many countless others who were given a specific talent but it was that talent that helped to destroy them either directly or indirectly.

So for today, I will ponder the things I want in life,the things I wish for, the dreams I have and look at them with open eyes.  Maybe the things I feel I have to have may not be good for me.  Or maybe they will come at a later time when I am ready for them.  I do not know what the future will bring, except I highly doubt my singing voice will ever develop, but whatever comes my way I have to look at it as my blessing and do all that I can to have it make me a better person, not a bitter person.