I am quirky, I get it. I have always had this thing about not making trouble for anyone, not being a bother. I tried to always fit in with the group I was with at the time as I was petrified of being different. I could cuss like a sailor or be as quiet as a church mouse. I could talk cars (a little bit anyway) or exchange recipes. I was delusional that everyone always liked me; why wouldn’t they, I was just like them. Then one day I had an epiphany that there were people who did not care for me and I was blown away. How could they not like me I was trying so hard to fit in?
So what happens when you try too hard to fit in? I think I realized it today. You are not authentic, everything in your life is based on some constantly moving scale of normalcy. Playing nice does not necessarily mean you are a nice person. Honestly, I have no idea if I am a nice person, I play the part everyday with the theory of “Fake it Until You Make it.” I am not saying that I am a serial killer or a puppy abuser, but I talk and talk about being authentic and yet I have no idea what that means.
My sojourn was supposed to show me that. I kept saying that I had lost myself and that I needed to find myself again, but I did not really know what I meant by that. I just knew something was not right. Every day my life gets a little clearer regarding what is wrong with it (a painful process); answers, however, are not as forthcoming. I sit and try to be grateful for everything I have, yet my life feels like I am wearing the wrong size clothing. Metaphorically speaking, I do have clothes to be thankful for, but they are uncomfortable and do not fit right so I am ugly and unhappy even though I should be grateful.
I know this blog should be lighter and more playful, but that is also something I cannot do at this time. I apologize if you are reading this thinking “get over yourself”, but the idea from the start was to open some doors and find some truths. I have opened doors but the truths are still lurking in the dark. I am sorry.
My next objective, try not to try so hard. I do not even know if I know how to do that. I want so badly to be everything to everyone, for I think that will make me happy. But that is an illusion that can never happen and it is exhausting. What good would it do to be accepted by everyone? Would it not mean that somewhere along the line I buckled against something, large or small that I stood for, in order to not rock the boat or cause a stir?
All my life, one statement has been consistent in my vocabulary…”I’m sorry.” I’m sorry I bought the wrong brand of coffee. I’m sorry I did not wear the right outfit. I’m sorry I spoke my mind and get someone upset. I’m sorry I tried something new and it did not work out (add it to my failure list). I’m sorry I folded the laundry incorrectly. It does not matter what the situation, I am always sorry. I said I was sorry this morning for something totally insignificant and it felt like my heart broke in two and I have been crying ever since. It is like that last “I’m sorry” was the key to open a new door. I am tired of being sorry for everything that happens.
Where do I go from here? As usual, there is no real plan. I guess I better take a few baby steps today. I have to up my own self-worth. Apparently I feel I cannot accomplish even the simplest of tasks without doing it wrong and being sorry. So I have to start looking for accomplishments. No more walking on eggshells everywhere I go. I have found that the harder you try to be “perfect” the more mistakes you make, so no more trying to be perfect. That should be enough for today. I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, but I am going to start being open to those lurking truths.
Thank you for listening and following the exploits of an unsure, dorky girl. I appreciate all of you!! What is the rule for today: DON’T TRY TOO HARD TO FIT IN…you are just right the way you are!! Who is with me?