My Big Empty

Have you ever felt like something is missing? Like you are supposed to be somewhere else? Like you not doing the right thing?

I have too. Most of my life I have felt like that one great opportunity is waiting for me just around the corner. Or the perfect blog post, the one that everyone loves and I get a book deal from, isn’t this one but maybe the next one. The perfect job…perfect meal..perfect fill-in-the-blank is still just looking for me.

I am almost 60 years old…should I think that I might have missed the email? Did I not answer the door or pick the phone? Was I looking at something else when my perfect opportunity manifested? Seems that way.

I feel like sometimes I’m in this big empty surrounded by nothing. No profound words to say, not one beautiful piece of art made by my hands, no endless bank account, no fame and no adulation. A big fat empty nothing.

Between sitting around and waiting for something to happen and having an overwhelming fear of yet another failure, I think I can safely assume my just-around- the-corner moment was missed. Knowing me I saw it coming and overthought and doubted myself right out of it. I wonder on occasion how many opportunities I have missed.

Before this blog piece hits rock bottom, I’m going to pull up on the throttle, just miss the mountain side and gain some new momentum. Maybe I have been wrong all these decades. Maybe things just do not land in your lap. Maybe you have to walk out on faith and create the opportunities.

Many times in my life, I assumed I was out there doing what I thought was my calling and never really feeling sure about it. I bet I even had a very heavy hand in crushing the dream out of guilt or unworthiness. I see now that I am the one who created the big empty in my life. I wasn’t true to myself, thought it could never work and was more concerned about what others thought rather than carving out a place for myself.

For me failure was not only easy but comfortable. I relished in my indignation of how the deck was always stacked against me and how I could never catch a break. I did not allow myself to be accountable to myself for making anything out of myself. Easy and comfortable.

Today I decided that I would rather have an epic failure instead of accepting the big empty. I have a dream, not even a big one, but I see it cannot just happen on its own. I actually have to put some elbow grease into making it happen.

I don’t want diamonds, yachts or fancy cars. I want to feel good about what I do. I want to help others along the way. I want to make a difference. You cannot do those things in a big empty. I think I know what my authentic self wants and I am going to try to make it happen.

I have to stop waiting for the perfect words, perfect time and any other perfect thing, because they ain’t coming! I have no idea what I’m doing yet but one thing is for sure…I am going to concentrate, collaborate and then celebrate.

Goodbye big empty…you will not dictate my life any longer. I know this all sounds a bit cryptic but I want to start something and I want it to be authentic. I want it to feel right. I want the emptiness and doubt to go away. I want to do another 360 degree change and see what happens. Here I go again..


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