I’m such an idiot, why did I say that? What a dummy. I can’t believe I did that! I am such a loser when am I going to learn? That was an epic fail, why try anything. You are not good at anything. I literally have no talents at all. I am a waste of space and air.
These are all things I have said to myself. Not even that long ago. If someone else would have said any of these things to me, I would probably fight them. But I can say these things to myself and accept the words as truth. How very sad is that?
Not only do I say horrible things to myself, I back them up with samples from years or decades ago.
I know a lot of people struggle with negative self-talk as it is called. We are our own internal bullies. The venom we spew inside our own heads is so toxic, it makes Chernobyl look like a theme park.
I go on and on about how the world needs more kindness. How love and acceptance will change the world but I cannot forget the thing I said in 1979, or forgive myself for how I behaved in the 80s or how I let people down in the 90s and so it continues. Should not the forgiveness the world needs extend to me too? Somehow I cannot seem to do that.
I am quick to take the blame and beat myself up without respite. I say horrendous things to myself, things I would never dream of saying to another person. I am hard on myself with the reasoning that I deserve it and that it will keep me in check.
Granted I was a brat and was self-centered and lazy for a time. I was confused about who I was and was desperate to figure it out. I was hurting from pains I had suffered and I was angry. Looking back I am not proud of those things but in the middle parts there were some good things I did that I never look at.
I always think when I get to Heaven and God asks me about my life, my reply will be that I tried. I tried to be a better person sometimes without the slightest idea how to achieve it. I tried to right the wrongs even though it was too late for some. I learned and I applied the knowledge when I could. I tried.
I think instead of always beating ourselves up we need to stop and look at how far we have come. There is no perfection in this life, but it is possible to improve. The road behind is full of twists and turns. Blind spots and switchback. The road ahead is not visible to our eyes. But the road as we see it now is full of potential to strive to be that person we want to be.
So today I will look back only to remember the lessons learned. I won’t try to look too far ahead as it is obscure at best. Today I will travel life’s road with the knowledge of how far I have come. I will give myself a break from the constant self-imposed beatings and be thankful I made it this far. There were times I just wanted to drive off a cliff…but I didn’t. Kudos to me for the perseverance I did not even know I possessed.
I will love, admire and respect the road so far. Don’t forget for one minute how far you have come. Hold a bit of pride in your hand today and say I made it this far. Not only is that good, it is amazing!!