Today is the day I have decided to embark on a new epic journey. As of late, I have been dealing with a lot of anxiety. I don’t feel comfortable in my skin. I feel very out of balance. All First World problems, I know, but my struggles nonetheless.
The original epic journey was about me changing my life about seeing the country and beginning again. I did those things without the outcome that I had anticipated.
Wonderful times were had along the way. I have had the extreme privilege of meeting some of the most awesome people… Many I am still in contact with. I have changed but many of my old thought patterns remain.
I feel on edge a lot of the time. Peace is still at arms length away. I have come to realize that there are choices I need to make. There are behaviors that I need to throw away once and for all. I need to start controlling my life, instead of it controlling me.
My faith has seen me through and that is not going to change but I am going to start adding a new component to my life. Mindfulness. I, truthfully, do not fully understand the concept. But I am always living either in the past or worrying about the future. The present is the one place I need to be.
My doctor suggested that I study some mindfulness techniques to assist with my high blood pressure and other health issues. I want to do it to calm my mind. I realize it does not cure my problems, but it can help learning to live with those issues.
So today, I trudged to Target. I hate shopping but I chose to try to enjoy it. I purchased a large, soft pillow and a comfy, soft blanket to cover a loveseat. This is going to be my meditation place. Just a place dedicated to breathing and clearing the mind. It is not much, but it is a start.
I have a few things to read to help me on this journey along with an audio to listen to. By all accounts, I have heard the process of learning these techniques can take some time. I am dedicated to start living in the present. I cannot change the past and my constant worrying about the future has done me no good.
I am going to try to document the process. Over the years, I have forgotten what used to make me happy, hobbies and what have you. Everyday I worry about my health issues and it can be consuming.
So tomorrow I wash my new blanket and set up my space. Step one is always the hardest. If I can change the way I think (and fear) about life, maybe I can start to have some fun again. Mindfulness, here I come.