Every year at this time I break out the colored pencils and design a resolution board. This board is complete with pictures that are meant to inspire me as well as goals I would like to reach in the new year. Typically when I am done it looks awesome. Then I put it away and never look at it again. I realize now why I do that every year….it’s overwhelming.
I desperately want to change so many areas of my life, I want so badly to be a better person. My resolution board actually undermines the whole process. By seeing all the things I want to change in one place, my mind shuts down and, basically, laughs at itself. All the negativity starts to flow. What are you thinking, you can’t believe you can change all that. Self-doubt joins the party. And I sit there discouraged and deflated.
I may be ok for a day or two, but the change is never long lasting. So this year is different. No more resolution boards or lists. This is going to be my year of self-control and of doing the right things even if they are not easy. I would much rather eat a Big Mac and fries then make a salad. It’s easier to watch television then it is to read a book. Don’t get me started on all the excuses I can come up with that exercise is bad for me. No more excuses.
The last few weeks have been a challenge for me. I was unwell and could barely leave my bed. I started researching health issues. I started a journal for all the information I found. I have done this all before but this time it seems to have stuck. I started with small changes, and felt worse (which is normal during the detoxification stage). Every day or so I added something new and took away something bad. And I still felt worse. But I stayed the course and one morning I woke up and felt better than I had in years. Then I had another bad day, then a couple of good days. Suddenly I could actually see some positive changes.
I’m starting to feel better and now I don’t want to go back. I could still probably eat a box of Twinkies (who am I kidding, of course I can eat the whole box) but do I want to? No, I don’t. I realize now that if I ate just one, like a normal person, that I could not stop. There is the core problem. I have an obsessive personality that does not allow me just one. Finally realizing that has helped me to come to terms with those things that I thought used to comfort me, but in reality were killing me.
Once I felt better I started working on my anxiety issues and seem to be making progress. As each day dawns, and I feel better I can take a half step closer to becoming the person I want to be. I felt so miserable for so long I gradually became a miserable person. I was someone I did not like. Writing all the resolutions in the world wasn’t going to change that. The change comes from within and evolves as my mind and body change.
I have learned a lot over the past few years, but now my soul seems more open to new and different experiences. I’m eating foods I would never have looked at before. Meditation is helping control the anxiety. Exercise is changing my physical body. These are the changes I always wanted to make but didn’t know how. I simply made a few changes out of necessity and then more opportunities to change appeared.
I’m sure I will have days that I backslide but I hope it’s not an epic fail, like eating an entire cake. If most days can have some forward progression I will be happy. Here’s to healing the body and the mind in the new year.