If only I could pay off my bills, then I would be happy.  If only I could lose this excess weight, then I would be happy. If only I was prettier or smarter or more of something else, then I would be happy. These are lies I have been telling myself my entire adult life. Basically I was saying that I was unhappy because of one or more things in my life were missing and once I found those things than I would finally be happy.

I have been on this self-awareness journey for a very long time and I just figured this out.  Last night it hit me. I was laying awake trying to sleep and my mind just kept going in circles. I was thinking about what it would be like if I could lose about 30 pounds, cut my hair short (and miraculously have it be thicker too), start wearing some cool glasses and have a new sense of how to dress.  I thought as I fell asleep that those things would make me happy.  

Then I woke up as me; still chunky, gray haired with the same two outfits I had yesterday.  My mind wishes I was prettier and smarter, but my reality is simply what I am. That’s not to say I can’t try to improve myself, but the groundwork is laid and a beauty I’ll never be.  That’s ok.  Once I can finally accept my weight, my looks and my IQ, that’s when I think I will finally be happy. 

I gave up reading magazines and watching lots of tv years ago.  I found the constant bombardment of beauty products, clothing ads and other such nonsense made me feel less of a person.  So I did my own little boycott of those things thinking I would come to finally accept myself.  I thought I had but it turns out that I was wrong yet again. Those images still plagued me without even knowing it.

We, as humans, have been given the amazing ability to change ourselves for the better.  But short of plastic surgery and a wig, my looks are my looks. I can always learn new things, but I’m never going to be a Mensa.  And my fashion sense has always been and always will be a lost cause. Guess what?  That’s ok because those things along with my experiences have made me who I am today.

So no more wishing I was gorgeous or brilliant or even talented.  I will continue to try to improve myself but no more “if only” in my life. That seems like such an obvious lesson, yet it’s not one I easily learned.  So world here I am with all my flaws.  Now I get what Popeye was saying. I am what I am!