“Relaxing feels like failure” as said by Nathan Fillion’s character on Con Man
This last few months have felt like failure to me. My job on the train ended and I have been unable to procure another position elsewhere. Too much time on my hands + nothing real to do = low self-worth with a side of depression. I have always dreamt of having some real quality time to do all the things I have been putting off. As soon as I clocked out that last time, all ideals of what I wanted to do started to elude me.
I have been struggling with feeling like a complete loser that has no job and no prospects. I thought the time would be like a muse to me and fill me with creative ideas. But because I have made my own personal self-worth based on my ability to work for money, I have been left with the reality that my quest for self-awareness has come up short.
I had hoped that I had come further in my journey then this, but it seems I am still short on how I actually view myself. I absolutely hate to admit that I rate or value myself on paycheck size, accolades and positive feedback. All those things are contrary to my ultimate mission in life. Because I use those markers to mentally evaluate myself, when they are no longer present I have no way in which to gauge my purpose in life. The work I have done this last year seemed to fly out the window as soon as my “work” stopped.
I’m not blaming my personal view on society but we do live in a society that highly values accomplishments. Size does matter as in house size, car size, office size, etc. I thought I had walked away from those inflated, unrealistic notions of self-worth. I realize now that simply thinking that does not remove all those ingrained ideals and world views. I was over all of it while I was still involved in it by making money and getting positive feedback from my customers and co-workers. Once I no longer heard the praises or saw the money in my account, I lost all sense of me. That is the most pathetic thing I have ever said.
My personal low self-esteem manifests itself in a low functioning daily life. I oversleep and overeat which leads to a modest form of self-loathing and overall self-pity. Then the more I feel useless the more destructive I become and the cycle continues.
It’s a new year and I could make a laundry list of things I have to change. The reality, however unfortunate, is I will fall short and do so in a very timely fashion. That’s not feeling sorry for myself, that’s my proven track record. So what’s a girl to do? I realize that I need to make a conscious effort to change my way of viewing myself. It can no longer be based on external components but on the guidelines that are ingrained inside of me that control right and wrong. Am I on a path to betterment, a path no one else necessarily sees…then I’m moving in the right direction. Am I wallowing in depression which makes me inable to function…then I’m moving in the wrong direction. I realize that I have to get over myself once and for all. I need to stop grading myself on the worlds grade scale. I want to be my own person wirh a strong sense of self that has no reflection on how others see me.
I dream of being strong in character and living a life of service to others. I cannot do that if I grade myself on accolades and bank balances. The two ways of life are in constant opposition. That’s not to say that I don’t get off my butt and get a job. What it says is that whether working toward a purpose (outside of ones self) or in a season of downtime I use my time and skills for bettering myself and the world around me. There will be times of busyness and times that are slower. I need to realize that both seasons are important to life and cannot be judged on criteria based on what someone else is doing or how effective I feel. It has to be authentic and evolved.
Even though I have had a tough time of late, I have managed to learn more about myself and more about what my next steps should be about. I hope to have a new job soon but in the meantime I hope I can rally my internal troops and make the most of the quiet time to become more enlightened.
No one ever said self-awareness was easy! But it is worth the time.