Sixteen days on the road, may not sound like much but for me it was Part 1 of my Epic Journey. When I left home 16 days ago, I had all kinds of expectations, dreams and unrealized things I wanted to do. If you have been reading this blog, then you know that very little happened the way I thought it would. My resolve was tested immediately and I realized very early on that I had bitten off way more than I could chew.
I wanted to walk away from my previous life and start a new one. That did not happen. I thought if I just walked away, it would just go away. That is not how life works. So here I am back at home making new plans, hopefully more realistic plans, on how to make the changes I want to make.
The trip did change me though. I saw many things on the road that bothered me, that thrilled me and that made me think. I was able to step outside of my own little world and see a bigger picture. I saw some things in me that I did not like and that need my immediate attention. I have not left the security of my little bubble in a long time and I felt like a giant baby out in the real world. I was afraid of everything, yet strangely attracted to it. I wanted to touch all that was out there but was afraid to. I know this probably does not make any sense. How could a mere 16 days be so life changing?
My biggest hope now is to downsize to a much smaller living space with a lot less stuff. Working and working and trying to figure out ways to pay for stuff has lost its appeal to me. I thought I had rid myself of being owned by my stuff, but the cord has not been fully cut and I am still drowning in an ocean of things. That change starts now!
My life has always had so many complications. I want to life a simpler and more organic, more authentic life. It has always been about making the money, I am exhausted from that. Money, making it and spending it is completely tiring to me as well as boring now. I know I need money, but if I can simplify, it will not take so much of my time and energy. Sixteen days on the road showed me it is really about the things that are necessary, the basics. I brought way too much stuff with me that I never even used. Life is like that, I have too many things that do not contribute to my daily life, they do not enrich me and, therefore, they have to go.
I have not said much about this part of the trip, but it was a profound part. I went on this trip looking for God. I know of God, I have read His words and heard sermons about Him, but I felt like I did not really know Him. I cannot say that we really came together on this trip but I realized some truths about Him. To have a relationship with Him, it needs to be authentic and real. Previously, I thought of Him as a supernatural ATM always asking for wishes to be granted. I only saw my needs and my life. Being out in the real world brought those needs into perspective, I wanted for the wrong things. My life was (and still is) so far from basic and now I realize the changes I need to make. I believe as those changes come to fruition, then my relationship with Him can grow and,in turn, I can start becoming the person I want to be. I realize now it is a process, not something that can just happen after 16 days on a road trip.
I had talked about Farmstays in posts prior to leaving on the trip. That part of this trip was cancelled, but it is still something I am looking into. I was looking at them as a permanent situation when they need to be parts of the overall journey. I have a small one coming up soon and I should know better how things will work after that. Again, it was a pipe dream that I thought would save me from my own existence and I was wrong about their intent. I do not need to run away and hide in a place, I need to look my life straight in the eye and make the necessary changes, then I can go to these places and volunteer and work and learn with an open mind and an open heart.
I wanted so much for this trip to magically change everything. Life is funny in that it does not work that way. I cannot just wiggle my nose and have all the things I dreamed of. This trip taught me the amount of work that is needed for this changing process is huge and will take time. At 53 years old, I should have known that already, but I did not. Now comes Part 2 of my Epic Journey (and I hope you will keep reading). Part 2 will be about making the necessary changes and, if all goes well, there will be a few big changes made rather quickly. Part 1 was the learning curve, Part 2 is the new process and who knows what Part 3 will bring. We will all just have to wait and see.
Post Shout Out: I was a little superstitious about saying anything before but now that I am home, I feel I can say it. Devi was a great travel partner. She did all the heavy lifting without so much as a groan. The “Check Engine” light did go on once but it was not her fault but mine for being cheap gas. She ran up and down the mountain roads beautifully. She afforded me the opportunity to see the things I saw. I know she is only a car, but she kept me safe. All along the mountain roads and the desert highways there were vehicles broken down and I was scared. I was truly afraid if that happened to me in the middle of nowhere that I would not have any idea what to do. But she stayed strong and got me home in one, safe piece. Great job Devi, I cannot ever thank you enough!