By Lois Hewitt

As I am reading the Book of Numbers, my heart lays heavy.

In Numbers we are told of God rescuing the Isrealites from their oppression in Egypt.  God was to bring them to the land of milk and honey, and beautiful pastures and so much more.

But the people began to grumble that it was taking too long and they were sick of eating manna.  They thought they would be better off back under the oppression of Egypt.

As I read this account, I thought of how ignorant the people were to not trust God.  He performed miracles and provided for them and they still doubted.

How ignorant…wait a minute.  I, too, have seen God’s hand pull me from the fires of oppression and addiction.  I, too, have seen God’s power in my life. Yet I always seem to have a prayer need.  Yet His provisions in my life are abundant.  Yet I still grumble. How ignorant am I?

I am no better than the Israelites in the desert. They didn’t like this or that.  They were fearful of taking the land.  They thought oppression would be better.

Many times in my life I felt like what I left had been better than where I was or where I was going. Many times I slipped back into the place I left, only to find how wrong I was.  The good old days are truly not always so good.

Oh how I detest my humaness. I am given salvation, an eternity with Him and those things I need here and yet I still grumble.

I am guessing that is the human condition. Is nothing ever good enough?  Does the feeling of entitlement ever run dry? 

I am blessed in so many ways, why would I ever grumble?  I do though and without justification. 

It was a good lesson for me to read the story of the Israelites. As I judged them so harshly, I realized that I carry the same afflictions of discontent and entitlement. 

I used to think the Old Testament did not have any relevance in today’s world.  But today I saw myself in the pages of God’s word. My hope is to be better starting today.

There shall be no room for grumbling about the things I do not like. God has forever changed me through nothing short of a miracle, doubt and fear have no place in my life.

The land of milk and honey is here, you just have to see and appreciate it even in the desert times.  There is more of it to come too.  So I will stay tuned for more of God’s perfect love whether I am in the desert or in the land flowing with milk and honey.

By Lois Hewitt

The cross on my lapel is the smallest cross I have ever seen.  Back in the day, when I wore a tie for work, I used this small silver cross as a tie tac.  Now that I no longer where a tie to work, I placed the small cross on my sweater lapel.

Most days I forget it is there. Once in a while I check it to be sure it’s not in an incorrect position.  It does tend to spin because the backing is really cheap and the cross has seen better days.

I rarely venture out to places other than work.  I am a practicing hermit with introverted tendencies. But once in a while I will end up at a grocery store or pharmacy.

I always pray for kindness when I do venture out in the world. It’s not that I am unkind, rather I tend to live in my own bubble and sometimes forget other people exist (I’m working on that).  So I pray to be aware and to always be kind.

I have worked too many years with the public, and, unfortunately, many people are not nice and some are absolutely cruel.  I work to never be like that.

I stay patient when I feel like screaming to hurry up.  I understand when lines are long and that many places are under-staffed.  I know that sometimes my item will be sold out and it’s not the cashiers fault. Neither is it their fault the prices are high or the return policy is strict.  Patience is a necessary super power in today’s world.

When I get to the counter, I always say hi and either be quiet or lightly chat. Depends on the cashier. I always say thank you too many times. I try to be courteous.

Do you know the one thing I always notice?  They look at that tiny cross on my lapel.  Every time.

It is a constant reminder that as a child of God we are called to kindness. It is a fruit of the spirit. It is what His children should be.

Oh I know how easy it is to be in a hurry. How easy to get aggravated. How easy to lose ones temper.  I still do all those things and more. I am flawed and fallen. But when I realize that I am potentially walking into a situation that I may not enjoy, I pray. That guards me up to be aware and calms me down so that I can be more patient.

When the world is watching Christians to see how we react to those situations, it becomes ever more important to be in the Spirit.

I don’t want to be “that person” that repels everyone in their path.  I could easily be “that person” but I would be letting God and my fellow humans down. 

Even if it seems like your actions do not matter, no matter how insignificant you feel, realize none of that is true.  You are an ambassador of God. And many of His children act contrary to His word unfortunately.

I want to take all the goodness He has shown me in my sinful life and shine it on the world. No act, no matter the size, is ever not noticed. My motto is to be as kind as the kindness He has shown me. I can never be that kind but I can keep praying and trying.

By Lois Hewitt

I will never forget Jackson Hole, Wyoming.  I still have nightmares.

We were on our Epic Journey having just spent two wonderful days/nights in Buffalo, Wyoming. We were continuing on our way west to the Pacific Ocean.

Mike had planned our route using an atlas, we also had a Trip-Tik from AAA and we had a GPS in the car.  By this time, we had gone off the original route and were depending on GPS.

Jackson Hole was the next stop and our GPS said it would be a few short miles on a back road, so we proceeded.

To call this road a cow path would have been over-stating the thing we were driving on. The ruts in the “road” were probably made by covered wagons.  We kept thinking that we must have taken a wrong turn but the GPS kept showing us on this route.

The short bit of road to travel literally took hours because we could not travel fast for fear of hurting the car in the road crevices.  This trip languished on and on.  Once in a while a giant pick-up truck would scream by, not even hiding their annoyance with the car with out of state plates.

I was a complete wreck and I’m sure Mike was, understandably, freaking out although he never let on.  There was no end in sight, it just kept going and when we finally arrived in town, it was way out of our price range.  A total failure.

In retrospect, we think our first-generation GPS may have been confused. Many times on that trip we found ourselves in precarious situations. 

We should have relied more on the good old Rand McNally to get us around. We placed too much stock in, what was at the time, a newer technology. 

The Tail of the Dragon and the road over the mountains from Gatlinburg to Asheville, were just two more horrifying roads we ended up on. As  GPS showed smooth sailing and it was anything but. I still have anxiety over parts of that trip.

We really depended on a new technology to steer us in the right direction, when we also had access to more tried and true modes of guidance. It just seemed like the newer mode had to be more reliable. And that was not the case.

The world today is similar to our trip to Jackson Hole. Today, we rely on the world to guide us on the road of life.  Celebrities and shiny products are our beacons. Influencers and social media are highlighting the way. 

The only problem is they are wrong about the terrain.  As we listen more to the world, it is taking us down a narrow, hole-filled cow path.  But we think it’s better because it’s new and attractive.

The true way is God’s way.  His instruction is not influenced by the newest thing or the shinest baubles.  His word is tried and true, most of which is opposite of the new world we live in.

I have used the world’s guidance system many times in my life. Foolishly looking to a celebrity for wise life advice.  Thinking a new thing would bring peace.  Using alcohol and sugar to bury the fact that what I was doing wasn’t working.

It is so easy to fall for the sweetened lies the world tells.  You think that road is the correct one.  But the truth is God has a map for you and your life.

It may not involve flashing lights and groovy music, but it is a life of righteousness and peace that exceeds all peace from the world. Plus so much more.

I no longer want to travel down the world’s path.  I want God’s road and although it’s not always a smooth road, it is the right one.  God is my navigation system.

By Lois Hewitt

Where did my youthful arrogance come from?  I have had times in my life where I felt as if I was drowning and I was desperate for a life preserver.  Sometimes my sin was a cry for the pain to go away.  It was still a sin, but I understand the intent.

What I cannot understand when the times my cup overflowed with arrogance and bravado.  I mean my life was a mess but there were times I thought myself perfectly right and bulletproof on top of it.

I regret those days the most. I walked around like I had been somewhere and knew something. Reality was neither of those things applied.

The human ego is a crazy thing.  When it’s in power, it will run the whole show.  Ego will feed you delicious lies and you will take them and ask for more. 

Oh youth, ego loves the play-do like mind.  For me, the day I told ego to take a long hike, came way after youthfulness had left the building. 

As I have grown older, I see the folly that is ego.  Today my driving force, my faith dictates how I act. Humility is a beautiful thing.

How I wish I had known humility in my younger days. I could have been closer to the person I wanted to be. But humility has a soft voice where ego walks around with a bullhorn.  Ego makes sure no other voice can be heard.

Until that is, you move into a place that no longer allows ego to rant and rave. A place of peace and joy, ego is not welcome there.

I fell at the feet of Jesus and I had to let go of the selfish, damaging, entitled ego that was driving my life.  What a wonderful day that was.

No longer did I have to get constant accolades or non-stop reassurance.  I finally learned who I was…a child of God. That’s all I needed then and forevermore.

By Lois Hewitt

Spaghetti squash.  I was gifted one and it has sat on my kitchen counter for a little over a week.  Today I decided to cook it.

But first I had to look up how. Only made one previously and it was not good.  So I googled a recipe and set off to make it.

A little background on me..I despise loud noises and bright lights.  I like a gentle touch and an overall calm. 

Well this silly little squash did not live within these parameters. I did not realize how difficult it would be to half one.  My normal cave lighting was insufficient for this squash prep.  The sound of my knife trying to cut through what felt like a solid brick was unnerving.  But eventually I did half it.

Deep breath.  Remain calm. The hard part is done…or is it.  I take a tablespoon and start to scoop out the seeds and the stringy stuff.  First try, nothing really happened. Second try, used a little more force and all I was able to accomplish was spraying slimy seeds all over the kitchen.

The third try involved a much bigger spoon, a lot more force and, unintentional, grinding of teeth.  Good grief, that process was not what I expected.

After that 12 minute workout, I dimmed the lights back to cave status, threw the knife into the sink and tried to recapture my calm.

I looked down, all my fingers were intact. I thought maybe in the struggle with that stubborn squash I might cut a digit or two. Grateful I felt for not drawing first blood during the seed extraction.

Whew. Peace covered me again. As I prepped the squash to roast I thought of how this small experience sums up life.

You see, I am very particular about my surroundings. I like things a certain way.  I try to control the atmosphere in my little corner of the world. And I do some of the time.

But other times, I have no control. Sinks plug.  Washers get off balance.  Neighbors dogs bark for hours on end.  And sometimes a squash will test my patience.

It is a good reminder that we need to be flexible. It is not good to be rigid or complacent. When we think we got it all figured out, the good Lord allows for some disharmony.

See if I walk around my apartment thinking that i, and I alone, are controlling this situation, then I don’t need Jesus. I obviously have all the parts in perfect motion.  Why would I need Him?

Well let’s see, because I am flawed. I am a sinner.  The movement of the world, contrary to the voice in my head, does not nor will it ever revolve around me.

When I depend on my own goodness and righteousness, I will be deceived and disappointed. I need Jesus to “drive the bus” as it were.  I need His guidance and His protection.

I also need from time to time to step out of the bubble I live in and experience discomfort and things I don’t like.  Nothing grows in a bubble. As much as I detest not having things a certain way, it causes me to further evolve. Something I could never do on my own.

How can you learn all that from a simple squash?  Once your mind is looking to Jesus, you find that everything is an experience from which to learn. You find that no matter the experience there is a blessing wrapped up somewhere. You find that the experience and blessing caused growth.

I know as I grow closer to Jesus that I am going to have to be more uncomfortable. That’s okay. Compared to His sacrifice, what I endure will be nothing in comparison.

I am weak, He is my strength.  I am afraid, He is my courage.  I am chaotic, He is my peace.  I am sad, He is my joy.  I am lost, He is my guide.

Glory to Jesus in all things!

By Lois Hewitt

What do you take in?  Do you even think about it?  I never used to.  I thought that I had a strong moral imperative, that outside things could not effect me.

This from a person who would drink into oblivion, eat into a food coma and shop away rent money.  Like I had any self-control.  The one thing I did not lack was the ability to live in denial.

Music has always been a big part of my life. I was the lonely teenager who sat around on Friday nights, while my peers were at football games and such,  I was listening to music.  The last few weeks have been a struggle for me, so yesterday I got out my headphones and cranked the tunes.

That used to always make me feel better or so I thought.  But yesterday it did not.  As I listened to the words of the music that was my life line at times, I began to see the inputs were far more detrimental.

Songs about drug abuse, depression, pain, suffering and more of the like.  I found myself extremely agitated and had to turn it off.

A couple of times during this period I fell off the healthy eating wagon.  I binged on sugary concotions and fat laden food.  These were “foods” I existed on for decades and now the immediate negative impact of them caused havoc both mentally and physically.

Then I turned to a book for solice, a new author. Within the first chapter I read about several traumas, ones that triggered anxiety.  I threw the book down.

Television was always a respite for me. I turned it on to see a “family” show about teenage pregnancy and the “funny” side of alcohol abuse (which there isn’t by the way).

Am I saying to never eat bad foods, listen to secular music, read popular books or watch television?  No, I am not saying that.

What I can say from my own experience is that as we grow as individuals, and in my case as a Christian, the things we used to think of as sweet, can turn bitter. 

As I looked back at those things in my life, I noticed a pattern of unhealthiness.  The inputs that I allowed to dominate my consciousness may have inadvertently lead to some of my depression and other mental health issues.

I thought these things harmless. But the more I read God’s word, the more I see how these external inputs can cause chaos internally.

Now I’m never going to be able to ignore all those situations. But for the sake of my mental health, I am, at the very least, going to try to be more selective regarding those inputs.

Job 10:13
New International Version
13 “But this is what you concealed in your heart,
    and I know that this was in your mind.

What I watch, what I read, what I hear, what I eat and what I see influences me regardless of my perceived ability to control it.  Some of my issues may have hinged on my addictions to certain things.

So as I try to become more intentional, I need to realize that I am responsible for intaking those outside influences that may not be as inert as I once thought.

I owe it to my health and my progress in life to look realistically at those vying for my attention.  Not all of it is good.

I want to stand on the firm foundation of Jesus, so I must look around and honestly see those things that make me stumble and fall.  They must be avoided in order to continue growing.  This may not be a popular view but one that does need personal attention.

By Lois Hewitt

Have you ever had a dream in your mind? A dream you can see, smell and feel?  I see this dream in my waking hours and in my slumber.

I see myself at a desk in front of a large window with flowy curtains.  The desk has a beautiful old typewriter. I’m surrounded in the space by books, pens and paper.  I see nothing else in the room, no other rooms either.

The scene outside the window is the only thing that changes. Sometimes it is a beach scene or a forest or mountains.

I am sitting at this desk writing. No other cares or worries. Only writing but without fear or deadline. It is pure and amazing joy.  Every time I see this vision I am full of exhilaration.

Yet I know it is not what I can expect here on this earth.  I would love to recreate this vision but when I do and I am here on earth, I fret from deadlines and overdue bills and not taking care of my responsibilities.

Then the other day I thought, now this is not Biblical, but what if this vision I have had since childhood was a picture of Heaven. 

I am studying what trusted people say about Heaven. The idea of sitting on clouds and playing harps all day is not correct.  I could not imagine doing that for eternity.

I have read that we will have jobs to do in this perfect place. Jobs we love, jobs not done to pay bills or to just survive.  But a purpose that has no monetary meaning. We are to glorify God. What if that, for me, is writing. And for you, maybe, gardening or raising chickens or baking cookies or making music.

What if the passion you feel way down in your soul, the one you never even spoke about… What if that is your purpose and your instrument for glorifying God.

I have no idea what Heaven will be.  The best any of us can do is speculate.

Lately, I have been thinking about that vision differently.  I was always a little sad thinking that I won’t ever achieve the dream. But now I have to wonder and hope that I will be able to experience that dream come true in Heaven.

I guess it is a silly thought. It just makes the mind reel a bit at the thought of “what if”.  Most people who know more than me (and that’s a lot) agree that Heaven will be perfection.

Your ideal of perfection is going to be different from my ideal.  So why can’t they all be a reality as ways for us to praise God.  It brings me comfort in this uncertain times.

I also think I could be way off base, which is possible. Even if Heaven is just sitting on clouds playing songs of praise on a harp, what a beautiful place it will be. 

By Lois Hewitt

This is how weird I am…I never liked the taste of coffee.  It always tasted burned and bitter. Even when I took one sip, my stomach would scream in pain.  It was something I could not stand.

A while back I started a habit of having breakfast every single day. Even the mornings when I leave for work at 6:30.  It, at first, was just cereal but now it has evolved into a nice mix of different meals. The one constant has been a cup of coffee.

I thought I said I disliked coffee. I did. But when I figured out the importance of having a good breakfast with my husband and he must have coffee, I started to see it differently. It became a lovely part of the day. We eat, share a coffee and talk before setting off in different directions.

I learned to enjoy something I did not particularly like at first. I certainly was not forced to drink coffee, but I decided I wanted to to have that experience every morning.

Obviously, drinking a cup of coffee in the morning is not going to change anyone’s life. Or is it? 

It’s a perfect example of being intentional.  I wanted to share a cup of coffee with my husband in the morning, so I adapted.  Now when I wake, I have a small ritual to look forward to.

What does that have to do with anything?  Having and enjoying a cup of coffee showed me that a small thing can bring a great reward.  That is life changing, not the coffee per say, but the intent.

As I manuaver through life, I have a tendency to run through the mud and muck.  What I mean is I am easily bogged down by situations around me.  It’s like driving your car down a muddy road, even if you do not get stuck (which is a distinct possibility), you will come away with it (life) all over you.

Having common things that you practice everyday can help steer you clear of the muck. It can be a simple as reading a book, drinking water, taking a walk or having a cup of coffee.  It becomes a grounding activity and it brings comfort.

Personally, I have quite a few practices I try to do everyday. It is a bit structured but, for me, I keeps me from just doing nothing because I am overwhelmed.

My practices bring me focus as well as comfort.  I have lived in fight-or-flight so long, I forgot how to relax.  Starting to live differently is not easy.  It takes time and effort. Especially in the beginning when the practices are not a solid part of your existence.

I actually started with prayer. I wanted to be a prayer warrior. But had no idea how to start. Turns out it could not be easier…just talk.  Then learn to listen. Then it becomes a daily practice.

Some things I thought would be great for my mental health, were not.  Some things I never thought of before work the best.  Some things worked good for a time but became unnecessary. The process is ever changing. 

My goal is to be healthier and more stable.  My goal is to be more like Jesus. My goal is to be a better human being. 

Jesus came to the world to teach humans how to live. It must be an intentional activity.  It does not come easy to live in righteousness.  For me, maybe only me, sin comes easy.  I can sin and not even have to think about it. But to live a righteous life, now that takes me some effort.

I have found the little intentional steps will eventually lead to a more structured life that replaces the chaos and anxiety. Sometimes it simply starts with a cup of coffee.

By Lois Hewitt

I know my posts circle around the same things. The advice writers (and I know I’m no Hemingway) get all the time is write what you know.

Well I know my life pretty good. So I write about it. I know about failure. So I write about it.  I know about doubt.  So I write about it.  I know about transformation. So I write about it.

In my dark years, I looked for someone like me who was struggling and I did not find anyone. I desperately wanted to hear someone else with my issues and I found no one. When I decided to start writing my blog ten years ago, I wrote it so that one person would not feel alone.

When I started the blog I was depressed, drinking actively, not fully believing in the things I shout about today.  My words were weak and clumsy. Today I hope my words are strong, not perfect but strong. I try to keep it real.

I have been healed by the love and life of Jesus. I talk about it non-stop.  I was a mess for literally decades and I was unhealthy. Today I am so much better. Not by my own power but by the power of Jesus.

Does that mean I now never doubt?  I wish I could say I never do.  But the screaming voices of the world can infiltrate your mind and cause doubt.  Life has scenarios that can leave you doubting.  Does that mean I have turned my back on Jesus?  No.

The life of Jesus is huge, it’s epic in a way that is hard to comprehend.  Our consciousness revolves around what we have learned and what we have experienced.  Our traumas affect us differently.  Our happinesses are singular to us.  These things are the clay that make us who we are.

Along comes this story of a Man who is also God. He comes not to teach religion but to teach how to live. How to treat others. How to start a revolution, one that would change the world forever. It’s too huge to fully understand.

So as I do my studies, as I read God’s word and watch a bit of The Chosen, I find small little voices that say, “How can this be real?”  Is it all just a fairy tale?  Where is the concrete truth?

I certainly don’t have the answers the world clammers for.  I don’t know how it can be true. I don’t know how a Divine God can love someone, like me, who can’t go a minute without sinning. How can this be true and not be some crutch weak people cling to?  That’s what the world says…but..

I know my life. I know who I was.  I know what brought me back from the brink of insanity and changed my life forever. I know Who loved this world enough to hang beaten on a cross for all our sins. I know Who physically died and was buried in a tomb and rose from the dead to offer all of us eternal life with Him.

I am not intelligent enough to answer the world’s questions but I have faith that Jesus did all those things. I have faith that He saved me and loves me.

I have faith the sun will rise. I have faith in the air I breathe.  I have faith in Jesus who took my weakness and made me strong because of His love. I have faith and that means everything to me.

If you ever doubt, it’s okay. We all have moments of doubt. But the answer, in my case-the only case I fully know-is that I have my life experiences and comebacks to prove all I need to know. My faith as small as it may be, is my comfort and strength in these trying times. Don’t give up on Him.  Go to Him with your doubt and He will give you what you need. Every time.

By Lois Hewitt

Do you ever stop and think about how far you have come?  It is easy to look back and start kicking yourself. But what if we all started to look back and feel good about the journey?

For example, I have lived under a self-proclaimed dark cloud because I dropped out of high school.  High school means very little to me know but I ruminate over the fact I didn’t finish. 

I did get my GED. I was too drunk to remember even taking the test.  So that doesn’t make me feel better.

I did work hard to get my Associate Degree and most of my Bachelors Degree. But I didn’t really finish that either.

I never felt like I earned anything. Like somehow I squeezed my way through things but that I did not deserve it.  All because I dropped out of high school.

That stigma has followed me through all these years. That was so long ago, how can it still effect me?

Remorse, I think, keeps me from considering myself a success in any form.  I regret many things in my life and any good I have, I feel I do not deserve.

But the truth is that blip on my life’s timeline is not what defines me.  It is part of me but not the entirety of me. 

I think we all give too much power to our stumbles and falls.  The reality is we got back up, looked around, dusted ourselves off and kept walking. Why don’t we celebrate that?

Instead we wallow and languish away in our failures. Failures, in essence, are what show us the way.  You do something and fail, you reevaluate where you are heading.  You take the failures and learn what not to do…which can be more important than knowing what to do.

My blog started off being about my Epic Journey and somewhere along the way I forgot about the journey as I only looked for the destination.

Sit, if you will for a moment. And think about how far you have truly come in your life.  Depending on age and experience, I imagine you have grown in so many ways.  That is worthy of celebration.

We tend to condemn ourselves for past mistakes.  We never forget the bad, while the good things we have done fade away into oblivion.

As a Christian, I have been made new through the blood shed on the cross.  Jesus forgives me as I confess my sins. Yet I cannot quite forgive myself. Isn’t that an affront to Jesus? Who painfully died as a sacrifice for me.

I hadn’t thought about it that way. I assumed my lack of understanding of my own situation was my penance for the past. Now I see it differently.

The person I saw in the mirror then is light years away from who I see today and isn’t the same as the person I will see.

Let’s quit wringing our hands over who we were. Let’s start celebrating who we are and let’s look forward to who we become.

Yes I made many mistakes. Yes I learned from them. My biggest success is learning to take all of it, good and bad, to the foot of the cross. Jesus came to give us life abundantly. I don’t know about you but I don’t want to waste another moment moping around like a dog that’s been beat.

I know I did not get here on my own but I got here. That is worthy of a small celebration.  Don’t you think?

If you know Jesus, remember He died for you. He suffered on the cross for you.  He loves you in a way we cannot comprehend. He has given us the ultimate gift…a new life. I do not want to squander that gift any more. You with me?  Just look how far we have come!