By Lois Hewitt

It’s been a while since I posted anything to my blog.  So much has transpired and so much has changed.

About three weeks ago I found out I have cancer.  Something I thought was a possibility. Still a shock when you hear it.  Mortality becomes more than a concept. You immediately start to think differently.

I was scheduled for surgery last week.  And Hurricane Helene came through the area.  A hurricane in the mountains…who ever heard of such a thing?

Now nine days later, some have power, some have water, some have cell reception and some lost literally everything.

I have seen some things in my day but never devastation like what happened in the path of that horrible, wicked storm.

I’m blessed!  I am doing better than most.  It’s really weird the last few months I’ve had a bad feeling. Just really doom and gloom.  It never left me.

I figured it was going to be a health tbing, so I slightly stocked up on dry goods and personal care products.  I was a mini prepper of sorts.

Then this happened and thankful was I for the small voice inside my head.  Not a premonition as much as a feeling.

So many were not prepared and my heart goes out to them.  So many from around the country are bringing in supplies and locals are feeding locals.  The good deeds for fellow humans brings back some of the feelings we all used to have.  Good does conquer over evil.

I’ve been trying to talk to God. I have thanked Him profusely for watching over me.  He truly did and I have some tales to tell. 

But I can’t seem to really talk to Him.  Why did He watch over me and not others? Surely I’m no more important. In fact now, I’m fairly useless and weak.

In the good times, the salad days, we have one understanding of suffering.  We know it’s all part of the plan and we know that with it comes strength and courage. But you aren’t up to your neck in it at the time.

Once the suffering really starts, for us or for others, we lose that easy determination and we start to question it.  I’m questioning it right now.

I know there is a bigger plan, I know these things happen for a reason.  I know all things work for our Good.  I know all this but it feels somewhat empty.

Nor would I ever say to anyone who lost anything, that it’s all part of God’s plan.  That just would seem cruel…even if I do believe it.

I feel a little distant from God.  Before all of this I felt so close so I’m really perplexed at how I am feeling.

Again, I’m so extremely blessed.  So taken care of. But so tired.  The kind of tired sleep does not fix.

I’m longing for some solid answer. They say it will literally be years before normal returns but by then there will be a new normal.  The old normal will be but a distant memory.

And everyone will be changed. Some will refocus, some regroup and some will give up.  My heart absolutely breaks for the people who lost everything and walk away never to look back.

I do not know what to do this very minute. I’m just trying to create a little normalcy for my husband and me.  Brief little lights of comfort.  I am learning that it is okay to not know.  To not have all the answers. To be confused.

These are the times Christians prepare for, the times to hang on tight.  To wear God’s armour even if we just can’t feel it. 

God is with us and everyone’s journey is different. I can’t compare mine to the person over there.  I can’t ask why I was spared, I have my own difficult and different journey ahead of me. 

I know so many of us are feeling guilt.  Guilt about water, food, shelter, clothes and life.  I feel so guilty. But I know from experience guilt is a useless emotion.  Nothing good comes from it.  We have to let it go.

I realize now that I need to focus on my journey, wherever that takes me.  I’m too weak, at this point, to help others so I’ll stay out of the way, making room for others who have strength and conviction.

I will pray for all of those in need.  I’ve seen prayer work, never have I doubted that power.  I have been looking at this from only my small view, God’s view is all encompassing and I cannot fathom it.

But I can hold onto it with all the strength I have. I need to start talking again to God and see what my part is to play in glorifying Him through this all.

Anyway just wanted to write an update. This whole situation isn’t about me, but what He will do through me.

Stay strong! Stay safe! And stay close to God, He will provide!