By Lois Hewitt

Do you ever just feel like there is something you have to say or do, but you are not exactly sure what it is?  The urge is so strong but there is no clear path to get it done.

Like a painter who just can’t get the image to look like they thought it would.  Or the author struggling to find the right words.  Or the dancer who can’t get the moves just right.

I feel so many things, always have.  So many, in fact, it has left me frozen in place for so long.

I live inside my head, probably a bit too much.  It’s funny inside there.  The sun could be blindingly bright in my head while a tornado passes through.

Inside my head is such extreme love coexisting with hatred.  Peace and joy are always fighting disappointment and anxiety for a seat at the table in there.

I laugh when I want to cry.  I’m strong when I’m scared to death.  And the reverse is always true too.

No matter how hard I try, I cannot regulate the chaos inside my head and heart. 

I want all things and I want nothing at all.  I feel magnificent and I feel sick at the same time.  I care too much and I care not at all.

The days lately have proven to be exhausting.  How can they be?  I don’t work like I used to.  I certainly don’t “play” like I used to.  My life is so much “less” (stress) and not in a bad way by any means. 

So what’s happening?  I prayed for healing.  I prayed to be better.  I prayed to change.  All I got was chaos.

Or so I thought.  It’s like going into the kitchen after Thanksgiving dinner.  Every pan and pot is dirty.  Dishes you didn’t even know you had are dirty.  There are mashed potatoes on the wall.  It’s a mess.

But you start at one end and just move your way to the other.  It may go quickly or it may take some real time.  But if you keep on task, it will eventually get clean again. 

Then the next meal needs prepared but, hopefully, the chaos is not as much.

I prayed to be better and I saw flaws I didn’t know I had.  I prayed for peace and opened my eyes to the “clutter”.  I struggled and may be have gotten worse but then I was clean and my vision clear…er.

That’s how God works. Not like an ATM dispensing requests. He is not a genie in a bottle or a magician with a magic wand.

God will always do His will. Even if His will is not quite what I was hoping for.  But the end result, His will, will be better than anticipated. You will have a deeper clarity. You will be changed.

It may hurt.  I’m in a hurtful stage right now but I do have more clarity.  I see more of my sinful nature.  I feel more.

I love comfort and I am learning that most of life is not learned in comfort, much to my dismay.  Life is learned in those times that don’t make sense. The times you can’t verbalize. The times that seem confused.

I love to watch the daffodils fight their way through the spring snowfall to be in the sun’s light.  The struggle must be exhausting. But once the warm sunny rays touch their leaves and petals, the struggle lessens and the rewards are clear.

So it is with life. Don’t be afraid to do the hard things. If it is truly God’s will, He will give you the strength needed. And He promised to never forsake you…in the good or in the bad.

We are all looking at an unsure future. It can be scary, but I’m learning to keep my eyes on God.  He is the only way to peace. He has this.  Cling to Him and He will calm the storm.  He always does.