By Lois Hewitt

Blessed are the ineffective for they are trying but not getting anywhere.

Blessed are the anxious for they are too afraid to perform.

Blessed are the indecisive for they know not which way to turn.

Blessed are the introverts for human interactions are too exhausting.

Blessed are the overwhelmed for the way is too unclear.

Blessed are the tired for their life’s struggles are draining of energy.

Please know I mean not mockery to the Scriptures. I am just try to make a point. Please bear with me…

There are more I am sure but you get the picture. These are just a few a few of my “issues” and I am struggling with how effective I am as a Christian. And I sincerely doubt I am the only one.

I struggle with feeling ineffective because I do not know my true spiritual gift. I struggle with anxiety and that can make one paralyzed and ineffective (see above). I can be so indecisive at times it renders me ineffective and causes anxiety (also see above). My natural state of intorvertedness causes me to be extremely ineffective and full of anxiety while making me indecisive (again see above). All of the ineffectiveness, all of the anxiety and indecision make me feel overwhelmed and tired.

You see, it’s all woven together. I see that now. These things we feel, the hurdles we see are based on one issue or trauma stacked on top of another. They fit together like Lego blocks making a tower. Without resolution, the tower just gets taller and taller until you feel as if you can never overcome it.

Since the beginning of this year, I have been participating in a few in-depth Bible Study. I have been learning so much. Along with that, for myself, comes all these insecurities. It seems the more I learn and understand, the more I doubt my ability to be an effective Christian.

In my mind, it seems the more knowledge I gain, the better at spreading the Word I would be. That seems reasonable. The reality, again only for me, is that I feel less able to be God’s ambassador to the world then I was before all this knowledge.

This is perplexing me greatly. We live in times when so many are lost and we are called not necessarily to plow the harvest but plant a single seed. To be a light in the darkness.

After several weeks of debating with myself, I have reached a couple of conclusions. First, I think the more you learn, the more serious the information becomes. As a “baby Christian” the eternal gravity of it all is not in one’s awareness. As you grow and learn, the message becomes so much more important and it can feel like a weight on your shoulders.

Second, I have come to realize that who I am, who you are, was not created as a mistake. We are who we are through DNA and through experiences good and bad. Who we are is no surprise to God. It may be a surprise to us but not to Him.

We need to all realize not every Christian will be like the Apostles or even like Billy Graham or whomever you think is the ideal Christian. We are all not made the same. I have different talents then you and you have different talents then your Pastor and so on.

Third, there is no way to know just how effective you have been in this physical realm. Everyday we leave an imprint (size does not matter) on many lives. You will never know the influence you have had on a life. There are not a lot of alter calls in a normal life. No evidence that you made a difference.

But the world sees how you and I live. They watch how we deal with the messiness and pain in life. They may never know the small, silent prayer you prayed for them but that does not mean you haven’t touch their lives.

My main takeaway of my recent trip into self-doubt is I was created this way. Yes, I can improve through prayer and elbow grease but God knows me. I cannot be someone else, I can only be me. As me, I will not know until I get to that glorious place called Heaven, what differences I made on earth.

So for today, I will strive to be better and realize that I have limitations. I will pray without ceasing for my knowledge and understanding as well as for as many people as I can. And I will throw out all that self-doubt and angst because God does not want that for us. Jesus did not endure the horrendous cross so we can suffer in silence. He wants you to have joy in all things.

If you are doubting yourself today, please stop. You are a light in this world, in a way you may not even know. Keep striving to learn more and stay true to God’s path. You will be among the blessed. Blessed are those that love Jesus for they shine His light onto the world!