By Lois Hewitt

I don’t even know where to start. The last few weeks have been a wild ride. Not like driving the Tail of the Dragon or parasailing in the Outer Banks. But a spiritual wild ride that I never dreamed would happen.

This year I really wanted to kick up my spiritual game. I’ve been a baby Christian for decades. Riddled with a history of trying but quitting when it got too hard. This year was going to be different. So I signed up for an online Bible study and I started off.

As I did this study, I got filled and excited and I could not wait till the next time I could study. I learned more in a short time then I did in my Christian walk so far. Lights were going on, ideas were flowing, I had understanding and it was amazing. I was feeling great.

Then a month or so ago, the amazing feeling started to subside. My sleep was interrupted and I felt physically unwell. I knew something was wrong but I could not pinpoint it. Each morning, I thought this is the day I don’t make it through.

My brain was foggy, so much I will be finding mistakes from work for some time. I saw things that weren’t there. I mixed up words and forgot important things. I wondered if I had a stroke or something.

A couple of times I thought I might have to go to the emergency room but I had no words to describe what was wrong. I tried to explain it to my husband but all I could come up with was that I didn’t feel right.

I kept going to work, cleaning and cooking but my only thoughts were when I could go lay down. That was all I wanted. Yet when it was time to sleep I would awaken to thoughts of past deeds and horrible words I had said. I remembered things long since buried deep in my soul.

I was miserable in a way I had never felt before and hopeless to figure it out. This continued for several weeks. My fatigue and brain fog growing ever more deep.

Then this morning came. I woke up exhausted as usual but I felt different. I had an understanding inside me that made me realize it was the evil one who was testing me. For lack of a better description, I felt as if I had gone through some sort of spiritual chemotherapy.

What I mean is my sin was my disease. Lots of things never resolved. The trial was a painful cure that seemed worse than the disease.

You see, when I started to get better, really better, the enemy could not have that. He throw all kinds of things at me…guilt, regret, unease, discomfort, fear, doubt and physical pain. A small part of me even started doubting the Bible wondering how it could be real. I lost myself for those weeks.

I cannot even explain how lost I felt. But then God said enough because even though I may have had a small part of me doubt, a larger part was just clinging to God and praying for something, anything.

He delivered me from that test. I know it’s not like a physical test of an illness or accident. But the pain was real. I have spent my life dealing with depression, this was not that. I was clinging onto a flotation device with all my hope slipping away.

But today is different. Today is a victory. Today I feel like me again only stronger. This trial was unlike any I have had before. I said I have seen God’s hand on my life before but never to this extent.

I guess the moral to this story is to never give up. The old me would have thrown in the towel so fast. This time I just prayed (when I could find words to pray) and hung on. And God was faithful to me!

I am sure more things about this wilderness time will be revealed. I saw how the devil can take over but I also saw how God can pull back the reins and stop the ride.

Don’t give up. Oh how I wanted to, but I didn’t. Get close to God read His word, trust what it says and He will calm the storms and bring back the light. You just have to be standing on His solid ground.