Quiet No More

As a passive, intoverted person, words like the title above scare me. I do not like confrontation. I do not like upheavals and the chaos it brings. I steer away from loud declarations. I live and, therefore, allow others to do the same. But our world has changed.

There are opinions, mine included, at every turn. There is now some one who thinks you need to be schooled by them on what is “really” right.

You see, I drank the kool-aid according to some. This is a term I desperately despise. To understand the meaning behind it you have to go back in time a bit to the story of Jim Jones.

He was a very charismatic preacher with a large following. He thought himself to be god like. He convinced over 900 of his followers to go to Jonestown with him to live in utopia. News of wrongdoings and abuse got out and he became a target of investigation. Feeling no way out he convinced his followers to partake in poisoned punch as to ascend to Heaven. It was the largest mass killing in U.S. history until the tragedy of 9/11.

That, of course, was the condensed version. I hope you can see why “drinking the kool-aid” is such a derogatory statement. It implies blind faith in something or someone to the point of losing your ability to think for yourself. Cults know how to manipulate their followers. I understand that this does happen. It is a very sad situation indeed when a person is in such need of stability and love that they leave behind all reason to follow. Think also of the Manson family.

I have heard more and more that if you are a Christian you have drank the kool-aid. That implies that I, as a Christian, have lost all my senses and am following something blindly with no concern of my safety. I am just too stupid and gullable to see the real truth, that it is all a scam.

I understand the concept of Christianity sounds like something out of a mythological story. A Father, Son, a virgin birth and death with resurrection. A God that loves us but let’s bad things happen in order to hit the “jackpot” in Heaven. I have heard the many questions and traps set to trip me up. I just want to say..

I do not like suffering, war, hatred, injustice…shall I go on? These are all created by our fellow humans. When I was in a decade long battle with infertility or in the battle with my own mind or when I felt so trapped I prayed for death, I questioned. I yelled at God. I rebuked Him for giving me so much pain. I went years without believing. I did not follow blindly because there were shiny trinkets promised at the end of it all.

I questioned and yelled and hated and cried until I could do none of those things any longer. Then I saw the clouds lift, saw light and realized that I thought God was a supernatural ATM machine and I wondered why my account was always overdrawn. My emptiness of soul was my own choosing because I was defiant and self-centered.

Once I started to work on myself I clearly saw God’s presence in my life. No platatudes about how the struggles make you stronger. The pain is real and it hurts a lot. Any worthy Christian has questioned the whys. It is part of the process. Some may blindly follow but most I know have chosen to believe in something that brings meaning and purpose into their lives. My personal journey has forever changed me. My beliefs are grounded and stable. I may still waiver but I am steadfast in the end.

So this post is not meant to convert anyone. It is simply a plea to stop dropping every Christian in a box that is thought to be full of ignorant half-wits who are incapable of making their own decisions. I fully understand free will. My decisions to be a Christian are based on decades of life lived in a way you can never know. Just as I have not lived your life. I cannot expect to understand your experiences.

God literally saved me from the perils I brought on myself. He has molded me into a person I can be proud of. Please do not ever discount my faith or the faith of others. We live in a very anti-Christian world. I get that is how it is to be, but I will be quiet no more. I used to be a scared child but now I am a warrior. Please, at the very least, respect the decision and drop the kool-aid narrative from your lexicon. You do not have to agree with my decisions as I may not agree with yours but mutual respect should be expected.

Footnote: I really have no problem being ridiculed for my beliefs. I have been ridiculed for lesser things in my life. I just want to clear up my stand on a comment that was said to me. Being silent sometimes can be misconstrued as agreement. Hence the quiet no more title. If this is too offensive, please do not read my blog any more.

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