Here I go again looking to make yet another new start. I thought I just made a new start but it turned out to be a less-than-new start with ramifications similar to my last new start. In other words, I was doing the same destructive things but in a new place.
I think when you finally get to a place where you realize something has to change and it doesn’t, situations proceed downhill very quickly. That is what just happened to me. I changed jobs thinking the new one was a better fit and it went south, so to speak, at a very accelerated rate. Quicker than most.
I felt drained off all energy. I did not want to do anything, even if I enjoyed it. My health went bad quickly too. I kept saying to myself I will make a change when I have more money saved or have a bill or two paid off. But my mind and body had different ideas and a much different timeframe. I had to jump and jump without a safety net.
So with $42.73 in the savings I quit my job. As soon as I did the pains in my chest went away, my breathing was easier, my appetite came back and the ideas started to flow. I felt a spark again.
Am I scared that I will not be able to come up with something? Yes, of course but I put down on paper all my past failures. The reason for that is those epic fails in my life, and oh there are a lot of them, were actually my training ground, my graduate work if you will. I know what not to do but now I know what I want. It’s a start.
It’s time to use the skills I do have and make a way for myself that is not only a means of support but nourishing to my soul and gives me health. The only thing is that I cannot do this alone as was previously my thought. I could use prayers for guidance and for wisdom.
This time around I’m not going to chase the money. That hasn’t worked yet. Now I want to chase balance, peace, joy and with that I hope to help others and support a lighter lifestyle for me. I want to be a better citizen of the world.
I am blessed that over the years I have left behind many of the trappings I thought were necessary to have. Gone are my longings to own everything I see and viewing my life through other people’s glasses. I no longer feel the need to keep up with anyone. There is freedom in that alone. Once you let go of that which you were gripping so tightly, true peace is achievable.
I’m praying for the strength I need to change my life once again. I’m praying for the wisdom to utilize my resources in the best possible way. I’m praying for the ability to make an impact, no matter the size, on another person.
I have been around the block more than once, so I know nothing is perfect. The intent is not perfection but peace, integrity and stewardship of all things laid before me. My time with the greedy and entitled is going to be less time spent with. My time running here and racing there is to be lessened. I have nothing to give anyone if my tank is always empty.
So starts yet another chapter, another set of defining moments meant to teach and another step closer to being the person I know I am deep down inside. No safety net, no solid plan just faith in my God and faith in the lessons I have learned.
I’m at the edge of the cliff, ready to jump….I will let you know how it feels….Here goes!